


What to Expect When You're Unsuspecting

by macpetreshock



Category: British Actor RPF, Tom Hiddleston - Fandom, Tom Hiddleston Fandom, Tom Hiddleston RPF, tom hiddleston - RPF
Genre: Actor Tom Hiddleston, Adult Content, Adult Situations, Angst, Angst and Humor, Character Death, Complicated Relationships, Dad Tom Hiddleston, Drama, Emma Hiddleston - Freeform, Eventual Relationships, Explicit Language, F/M, Family, Family Drama, Family Feels, Family Fluff, Family Issues, Father-Daughter Relationship, Fatherhood, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Luke Windsor - Freeform, Male-Female Friendship, Newborn Children, Newborn daughter, Other, RPF, Relationship(s), Single Dad Tom Hiddleston, Single Father-Daughter Relationship, Single Parent Tom Hiddleston, Some Humor, daddy!Tom, not for young teens, off-screen sex, parenting, some adult content, tom hiddleston - Freeform, tom hiddleston rpf - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-02
Updated: 2016-03-31
Packaged: 2018-05-17 21:47:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 28
Words: 42,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5886526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/macpetreshock/pseuds/macpetreshock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was a phone call Luke Windsor never expected and news Tom Hiddleston never suspected he'd receive, much less in the middle of the red carpet premiere of Crimson Peak in NYC. But Tom's willing to temporarily forgive his ex-girlfriend for keeping the pregnancy from him and focus on the arrival of their baby... Then Tom's greatest joy collides with devastating grief, leaving him to raise his daughter alone from birth.</p><p>*contains some adult situations, explicit language, and off-screen sex - Not recommended for younger teen readers*</p><p>(Author Note, May 17, 2018: I haven't forgotten this story, given up writing it, or anything of that nature. Due to my divorce 2 years ago, I've been crazy busy as a single, working mom, and I started going to school to earn my business degree. In what *nonexistent* free time that I have, I'm planning to continue working on some of my fics, which one(s) I focus on will really depend on reader feedback!)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Luke stepped back from the crowd, still keeping an eye on Tom, and took a quick peek at his phone. Everyone at the office knew he was at the Crimson Peak premiere in NYC with Tom and should know better than to bother him. He could only assume it must be an emergency with the way his phone had been repeatedly vibrating in his jacket pocket for at least the past twenty minutes.

Emma? Fuck. Tom’s sister wouldn’t be so persistent for something trivial, and if anything would cause Tom Hiddleston to cut ties with Prosper PR and tell Luke Windsor to bloody well fuck the hell off, it would be Luke making the decision on what did or did not constitute ‘important’ when it came to his family.

“Olly, stay with Tom. I have to return this call. It’s urgent.” There were times when he genuinely appreciated the fact Tom finally realized his need to hire a personal assistant, and this was one of them. The moment he found a semi-quiet spot, Luke returned Emma’s call. “What is going on that you’ve called me fourteen times and not left a single voicemail?” he asked, cutting straight to the chase.

“Look, I know my brother’s busy at his big premiere, and it’s oh-so critical to his ever-rising star of Hollywood fame, but he needs to know something and decide for himself where his priorities lie, Luke. Don’t you dare withhold this information from him… I swear.” Emma took a deep breath. “Just don’t.”

“Fine. Fine. What is it, Emma? I need to get back to him before he gets suspicious.”

Nothing could have prepared Luke for what he was about to hear, and he certainly didn’t want to be the bearer of such news to Tom, but he promised. Navigating his way back to Tom, he ran through the various ways to tell his client, his friend something so life-altering… Life-altering dependent on Tom’s reaction… But Luke knew Tom.

Luke gently guided Tom away from the throngs of fans gathered outside the theater, all wanting to catch a glimpse of the man they adored, hoping good fortune would shine down in the form of an autograph, or better yet, a selfie with _the_ Tom Hiddleston. Tom apologized profusely to his fans and grumbled under his breath at Luke about still having plenty of time, to quit fussing.

Until he caught sight of the expression on Luke’s face. “What’s wrong? Where’d you disappear off to a bit ago? What happened?”

There wasn’t a good way to explain what he had to say, any easy way to do it. “Your sister Emma kept calling without leaving a message until I finally got the hint and called her back.”

Tom’s face paled. “Mum? Has something—”

“No. No, nothing like that. They’re all fine, but Emma got a call from Mari about Julianne and felt you needed to know immediately, regardless what she interrupted, Tom.”

Luke gave him a moment to collect himself, knowing what the simple mention of Julianne could do to Tom. It was a PR miracle they’d managed to keep the relationship a secret since it began New Year’s Eve of 2012, and Luke hadn’t seen Tom happier in his private life for as long as he’d known the guy. But the secretive nature of their relationship, something Tom felt protected her, and his priorities at the time, career goals first, relationship goals later, eventually drove them apart. Valentine’s Day 2015 became bittersweet, admitting how much they loved each other, but the timing wasn’t right, something they couldn’t work beyond.

“Please tell me she’s alright.” His voice was thick with emotion, his eyes stinging as he blinked back tears. “Please don’t tell me she’s gone, Luke.”

“Rather the opposite,” Luke responded, garnering a strange look from Tom. “She’s at Mount Sinai St. Luke’s… in the Roosevelt Birthing Center… Tom, Julianne is in labor with your baby and would love you to be there… if you want to be a part of it.” For once, Tom had an absolutely dumbfounded expression, and Luke wished it would be appropriate to take a photo. “She also sends her apologies that your daughter couldn’t be more considerate of your career schedule.”

Luke had promised to deliver the entire message, but he knew damn well that would be Tom’s breaking point. The tears confirmed it, and Tom’s low, trembling voice spoke volumes to the gamut of emotions coursing through him at that moment. “A daughter? My god, Luke, I’m about to be a father, to have a baby girl… I have to go. I have to now. Tell Guillermo, Jess, and Mia, and do your PR thing on the rest.” Tom finally smiled, a shaky, tearful smile, but Luke could see the hope, determination, and utter joy in his friend’s eyes. “I’m off to see my daughter come into the world.”

Quickly, Luke sent two of their security guards with Tom who had already bolted off, not really knowing where he was headed, but damn determined to get the hell out of there and make it to Julianne one way or another.

She was the one Tom let get away, and Luke knew not a day passed that Tom’s refusal to forgive himself lessened. Still affable, kind, and a perfect gentleman, Luke hadn’t missed how distant Tom had become, the way heartbreak left him withdrawn in ways he’d not been in the past.

If given another chance, if by some miracle Tom managed to come out of this disaster with a happy family, Luke had his work cut out for him giving this the right PR spin to make it a tragic love story with a happy ending rather than either Tom or Julianne as the bad guy, which wouldn’t go over well with fans.

Some days, Luke really hated his job.


	2. Chapter 2

Eighteen minutes.

It took eighteen minutes on the road to arrive at the hospital from Lincoln Square, and Tom felt every bit as excited, terrified, and angry as he had been the moment he climbed into the car security called for him.

He was going to be a father, going to witness the birth of his first child soon, a wondrous miracle, an emotionally private memory, a moment to cherish till the day he died.

He was going to be a father, something his own father didn’t exactly excel at, and for all his Eton and Cambridge education, something he didn’t know if he could do any better.

He was going to be a father, a rather important piece of information that perhaps should have been shared at a time well before Julianne was in labor. What might have been an amazing part of his life, she gave him no opportunity or choice in whether he wished to be involved, a first in life which had come and gone without him. He’d missed announcing he was an expectant father to everyone important to him, all the doctor’s appointments, the sonograms, the first time feeling his baby move within Julianne’s belly, finding out their baby was a girl… watching how Julianne’s body changed as their daughter grew inside the woman he loved.

And he couldn’t get it back.

“Good evening, sir. May I help you?”

Tom turned from his thoughts to a petite, dark-haired nurse, waiting patiently. Mind wandering, he’d still managed to follow the signs to the birthing center without any difficulties. “Ah, yes, or at least I hope you can. I’m looking for Julianne Keaton. I was told to meet her here.”

At the mention of Julianne’s name, the nurse began walking toward the long, raised desk, the nurse’s station, Tom surmised, glancing back at him a few times, and he had no doubt he looked quite out of place in a designer suit, outfitted for a film premiere, not a delivery room. There were several nurses and at least two doctors, as best Tom could tell, in the area, working on various paperwork, busy, but not too busy to notice him. The first nurse went behind the desk and typed something into the computer.

“Ms. Keaton has strict instructions regarding privacy during labor and visitors during her stay. I’ll need to see photo ID to verify that you match either two of her authorized labor support.”

“Of course… of course,” he said, nodding as he pulled out his driver’s license and handed it to her. “Hope you don’t mind that it’s foreign.” Tom laughed nervously, but he suspected he and Julianne’s sister were the only two authorized labor support since the twins were emotionally inseparable, despite Marianne being all the way in Savannah. And he couldn’t imagine her reaching out to him then not permitting him to be with her, though he supposed Julianne had every right to resent him.

Blushing, the nurse, along with most of the rest of the staff sitting or standing in the area, looked up at Tom. “Well, Mr. Hiddleston… or is it alright for us to call you Tom?”

“Tom’s fine.”

“Well then, Tom, I’m Rosita, one of the nurses here. Follow me.” She led him along a corridor at a hurried pace that seemed normal for her, which he didn’t find all that surprising given she was an obstetrics nurse, and to the stairwell, where they quickly went down one floor. “Her nurse-midwife Karen popped in to check on her a bit ago, and you haven’t missed anything yet. Julianne’s contractions are about three minutes apart, and she’s one hundred percent effaced, but she’s only three centimeters dilated, so you two likely still have a long night ahead. Everything looks good with your daughter. She’s perfectly in place with a strong heart rate in the one-forties, no signs of distress or cause for concern.” Stopping outside one of the doors, one with Julianne’s name on a small sign outside of it, Tom’s heart rate quickened, and Rosita paused.

“We’re all really glad you could make it, Tom. Her sister can’t get a flight here until the morning, though she said she’d keep trying to find something. But Julianne’s been a mess emotionally, crying a lot, and telling anyone on staff that she wants to be left alone unless you got here. All she’s said is that she really fucked up, her words, not mine, and needed you…” Gesturing towards the door, she offered a sad smile. “The Birthing Center is meant to imitate a home birthing experience but have all the convenience of modern medicine at hand, so you should find it comfortable… And I’ll get you a set of scrubs to change into. I know that’s not exactly what you’d wear around the house, but they’re a bit more delivery appropriate than a suit. I’ll give you guys some time alone before I come back with them though.”

Tom took a deep breath, hoping to inhale some courage but with no such luck, before turning the knob as quietly as possible and opening the door in what may as well have been slow motion. The room definitely didn’t look like a typical hospital room, nor did it sound like one, no beeping monitors or some such medical equipment. It had the appearance of a well-decorated hotel room; however, the song playing from what he guessed was her iPod, and the sound of Julianne crying made it clear he was indeed in the correct room.

That wasn’t soft crying or crying in physical pain. That was mournful, heart broken, torn from your chest, and shattered crying. That was crying Tom knew well, the kind that kept him up more nights than not, listening to his playlist for heartache, and scrolling through the photos of him and Julianne he couldn’t bear to delete from his phone.

“Jules,” he said, stepping through the door then closing and leaning against it, waiting for her to look up at him from where she sat curled as small as she could make herself, on the sofa in the room. The redness and sleep-deprived circles of her blue eyes were clear with her dark hair pulled up into a messy bun.

A contraction hit, and Jules squeezed her eyes shut, gritting her teeth as she tried to breathe through it. Tom didn’t wait for instructions or her permission, stripping out of his jacket and tie faster than he’d ever done before, tossing them on the back of the sofa, and dropped to his knees beside her. Gently rubbing circles on her belly, he took her hands in his, offering it to hold, to squeeze, to break if it lessened her pain, and she accepted the offer, gripping his thumb with one hand and two fingers with the other.

“Darling, breathe with me, and try to relax. I know it hurts.” Recalling breathing exercises from yoga classes he’d taken in the past, Tom simply took deep, exaggerated breaths, inhaling through the nose, exhaling from the mouth.

As it slowly subsided, she released his hand, opening her eyes to meet his, and ran her fingers over his cheeks. “You came,” she whispered, tears streaming down her face. “I didn’t think you would. You have every reason to hate me for this, for not telling you, but if I wasn’t enough to hold onto, Tom, I didn’t want to feel like I guilted you into staying.”

“Then why now, Jules?”

“Because I knew you were in town, and when I went into labor a week early on the night of your premiere, it felt like a sign, fate, I suppose.” Tom wiped the tears from her cheeks with his free hand, still rubbing her belly with the other, unable to stop touching her, knowing their child was inside, waiting to come out soon. “If your priorities hadn’t changed, I thought maybe you’d at least visit before you left New York, and if they had, I hoped you’d come.”

“There’ll be other premieres. Our daughter will only be born once.” Taking one hand then the other, kissing her palms, Tom finally let Julianne see him cry, see what he’d done to himself in the aftermath of the choice he’d made. “As soon as I let you go, I knew I’d made a mistake, but I was too proud to admit it. If you had said something, anything, I wouldn’t have given up… Julianne, I love you and don’t think I can get past _us_ to love someone else down the road. A sign, fate, whatever you choose to call it, this is what I needed to find my way back.”

“So you’re not mad that I didn’t tell you?”

“Not mad you didn’t tell me you were pregnant?” Tom clenched his jaw and drew in a breath. “Bloody hell, I’m fucking furious, Jules, but this isn’t the time nor the place to deal with it.” He could see her bearing down with the onset of another contraction, and shook his head. “Let’s just focus on one thing at a time, love. We’ll have plenty of time to worry about the rest later.”


	3. Chapter 3

Tom sat in green scrubs at the end of the bed, an arm around Julianne, supporting her as she tried sitting on the birthing ball, leaning forward into his chest, and relaxing her body with each contraction, but it was difficult for either of them to concentrate with Luke yammering on the phone.

“… more than a fair number of paps stalking the hotel for any sign of you. Your disappearing act sent the media into quite a tizzy, and nothing I said settled their bloodthirsty frenzy. However, Jessica and Guillermo could barely contain their excitement and want to know as soon as the baby’s born. Both want to come visit. Mia says congratulations and wishes you all the best but doesn’t feel that intruding on what she sees as a very personal event for you and your family would be polite.”

He smiled, continuing to rub Julianne’s back. It was the first time he’d heard someone else say it, and he admittedly loved the sound of it. “Tom’s family” would no longer simply be a reference to his mother and sisters. Tom, Julianne, and baby were a family. Jules and their daughter were _his_ family. He held a responsibility for them and a commitment to them above all else. He’d had his priorities out of order for too long, and this event careened into his life, shaking it up, and reordering those priorities.

“Luke, bring my things from the hotel over here to the hospital. I’ll be staying with Jules and our baby for as long as they’re here. We’ll figure out the rest from there.”

“Have you considered how you want to handle this sudden emergence of ‘Tom the Family Man’ from absolutely nowhere?” Luke asked hesitantly. “I’ve been running through a few ideas.”

“Jules and I agree we should just go with the truth, more or less. Our relationship was a secret we kept well. The pregnancy remained a secret, which we won’t mention was also a secret from me and that we weren’t together at the time. However, we’ll go public with the announcement of our daughter’s arrival and our relationship then.” Tom laughed. “Maybe I’ll just post a selfie with the baby on Twitter. #NewDad #BabyHiddles”

Tom couldn’t tell if Jules was laughing or groaning in pain the way her face was buried in his shirt, but Luke gave a curt laugh. “Don’t joke about that, Tom. It’s actually one of the options I’ve considered. From Twitter, it would undoubtedly hit Tumblr and blow up the internet. We could gauge the fandom response and determine how to proceed from there, so it could be the ideal opening gambit.”

“Oh fuck, Luke, just get my things over here, and stop talking.” With that, Tom ended the call and tossed his mobile on the bed. “Sorry about that, darling, but you remember how he is.”

“Mhmm… Tom, will you help me with the tub? Karen says the hydrotherapy can really help labor go faster, and less than three hours from my first contraction, I’m already exhausted, so I’d like to get this show on the road if at all possible.”

Within fifteen minutes, Tom had the hydrotherapy tub set up, Julianne comfortably immersed, and he sat perched on the side, pant legs rolled up, rubbing her shoulders and anything else she needed. Indeed, the contractions soon increased in both frequency and duration, but the water kept her calm and relaxed through them better than any other method they’d tried.

Soon, it would be time. Tom could feel it coming as if some paternal sixth sense had emerged, tuning him in to all things fatherly. He wondered if his own father lacked such a sense for his children, perhaps being the reason they’d long drifted apart, well before boarding schools and adulthood.

“Tom!” Julianne’s yelp brought him directly back to the here and now in a flash, realizing she had death grips on both his arms.

“What’s wrong, sweetheart? You’ve done beautifully so far, what’s changed?”

“I think I’m in labor labor, like the for real labor. She feels so low like she could fall out, and… Oh god, Tom… I _need_ to push. I can’t stop it. Get me out of this.”

Scrambling over and out of the tub, Tom carefully lifted Jules into his arms, carried her to the double bed in the room, and gently laid her down, grabbing pillows to help her sit up. Quickly, he pressed the button that notified the midwife and whomever else necessary that they needed them ASAP.

In less than a minute, Karen and Rosita both came hurrying through the door. “Are we ready to have this baby?” the midwife asked, doing a quick vaginal exam on Julianne. “Oh yeah. Honey, this is gonna go quick… Dad,” she said, looking at Tom, “you need to kneel on the bed beside Julianne on that side like Rosita’s doing on her left, and lock your arms behind her back and under her knee to help her push every time she needs to… Great.”

With his arm around Jules, he held her close, and she wrapped an arm around his shoulders and neck for additional support, keeping him closer.

“AAAAHHH. FUCK.” Jules screamed and began trying to push, but the exhaustion of the five plus hours before had her relying heavily on Tom and Rosita to do what she couldn’t on her own.

“That was great, Julianne,” the midwife encouraged. “I can see her head. A few more good ones like that, and you’ll be holding your little girl.”

Barely recovered from the first push, it took three more, long and physically draining, before Tom saw his baby in Karen’s hands, tears of joy overwhelming him as he slowly released Jules into a comfortable resting position against the pillows.

“Dad, do you wanna cut the cord?”

Tom looked hesitantly at the umbilical cord, already clamped in two spots, the center of which he assumed was where the suggested cutting would take place. Nerves had his hand shaking as he took the surgical scissors from Karen, but this was a rite of passage, part of going from childless to becoming a father, part of accepting this as his new life.

Umbilical cords are slippery and rather tough things to cut, but Tom managed, and was rewarded by Rosita taking the scissors and Karen handing him his daughter. She was naked and crying, and he felt the need to protect her, holding her close, her head fitting in the palm of his hand.

“Jules, she’s perfect,” he said as he turned back to the mother of his child, but her eyes were closed, her face pale. “Karen, Rosita, shouldn’t she be awake?” Tom began panicking, eyes darting between Jules’s face and Karen hurriedly working on her, shouting orders to Rosita who was on the phone. In the blur of it all, he simply saw blood, an increasing and ungodly amount of blood, and heard things like ‘O.R.’ and ‘emergency’ tossed around.

In minutes which felt like hours, a team came rushing in, lifting Jules onto a stretcher and Karen rushed away with them. He was left, still holding their baby with Rosita silently watching him.

“Tom, I know this is a lot to take in right now, but Julianne began hemorrhaging after birth. It started with what seemed to be a common bleed, nothing overly concerning, but it didn’t stop. The surgical staff will determine the best course of action to take in caring for her.” Rosita came over to him, taking a peek at his daughter. “But for now, your responsibility is to your baby. We’re going to take her to clean her up, weigh her, measure her, and get her into something to keep her warm. And while we do all that, your job is to never let her out of your sight. We’ll also get you matching encoded bracelets, matching the code already in the system for Julianne, and that will be how, if for any reason at all, you should have to leave her in our care for a bit, we can verify the two of you belong together when you return. Is that alright?”

Nodding numbly, he followed her out of the room where Jules’s blood crept across the wood floor and hoped he never had to go back in there.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a short chapter, but the feels are large and may require tissues. I apologize in advance.

Though there wasn’t anything particularly unusual or interesting to most people about what the nurses were doing with his daughter, Tom found the entire process fascinating and remained riveted by their every move. Since the nurses didn’t mind, he took photo after photo with his iPhone, aware he’d be as bad as Chris, RDJ, and Jeremy emailing the whole group ‘proud papa pics’ as Scarlett called them.

“Six pounds, nine ounces,” one nurse called out as another noted it down.

“Baby Girl Keaton, six pounds, nine ounces.”

“Hiddleston,” Tom interjected. “Julianne said despite not being married, our daughter could have my surname if I wished, and I most certainly do.”

Rosita smiled. “I’m sure we can accommodate somehow… She must have the patient’s last name on her band, but I’ll call down to registration real quick and see if we can list your daughter as ‘Keaton-Hiddleston’ under the circumstances.”

The nurse who had just weighed the baby piped up. “Twenty-one and a half inches long. She’s tall, like her daddy… And speaking of names, do you have a name for her yet, or do we keep calling her Baby Girl Hiddleston?”

Tom thought of Julianne, in surgery with no update yet on her status. They hadn’t discussed names, and he had no idea if Jules had something particularly in mind, but he knew he’d not been given any say in anything regarding his daughter before this. Finally, Tom had the opportunity to have his voice heard in what was his momentous event as well. “Lilly Grace Hiddleston.”

“Wow. That’s beautiful, Tom,” one of the nurses commented. “Did it take you and Julianne a while to decide on a name?”

“Not at all. We never discussed them, but it’s the name I’ve chosen for my daughter, and it won’t be changed.” Tom smiled to himself, thinking over the name he’d given her. “Lilly with two ls, the preferred English spelling, because lilies symbolize purity, innocence, and refined beauty, Grace for the Shakespearean quote ‘Virtue and genuine graces in themselves speak what no words can utter.’ I intend to raise her to know her actions speak louder than words, that the person you are matters more than anything you say, and want her to remember that always.”

 Just as the nurses were all doting over Lilly and what a beautiful choice in names Tom made, a nurse entered with surgical scrubs on, mask hanging around her neck, and Tom froze. “Mr. Hiddleston, Dr. O’Reilly is ready to speak with you, if you could please come with me.”

Rosita grabbed his arm. “Hold on one second.” She branded him with a hospital bracelet that stated ‘Keaton-Hiddleston’ and had a QR code on it. “I already put Lilly’s on her, but if you don’t have one, you can’t take her out of the nursery no matter that we recognize you… And good luck, Tom.”

The small, private room with four chairs where he waited a grueling three minutes for the doctor was drab and rather depressing, not helping his mood at the moment. He wanted Jules to be alright. He wanted to be with Lilly. He did not want to be sitting and waiting. And waiting.

Nothing about the somber expression the doctor wore as he came in and soberly introduced himself before taking a seat made Tom comfortable. Completely uneasy, quickly bordering on terrified was the direction his emotions moved.

“Mr. Hiddleston, I did everything I could for Julianne. We all did. The hemorrhaging was far worse than we could have foreseen, and a full hysterectomy was the only option… But her vitals weren’t stable. She’d lost too much blood and crashed on the operating table three times.” The doctor paused for a moment as everything he was saying sank into Tom, and Tom knew it… knew he was giving him time to prepare for the final blow... knew the fate of the woman he loved. Tears stung his eyes, and he held his breath, waiting to hear the words aloud. “We were able to revive her the first two times, but on the third, nothing we did would bring her back. Nothing we could have done would have done so… I am so sorry, but she’s gone. Julianne didn’t make it… I suggest you try to focus on your daughter now. You can’t change what’s happened with Julianne, and your daughter needs you. She needs to be your number one priority,” Dr. O’Reilly told him.

But Tom heard, “The wrong priorities bloody well lost you Julianne. Don’t fuck this up as well.”

Reentering the nursery, Tom could tell the nurses had been informed, the way they hushed immediately and watched him so sadly. One of the nurses who’d helped with recording Lilly’s weight and height was seated in a rocking chair, feeding her a bottle of formula, and he went directly to her. “I’d prefer to do that myself, please.”

“Of course.” She held the bottle as Tom took his daughter then slipped out of the chair, allowing him to take her place, and handed the bottle over to him. “We absolutely respect your right to care for Lilly, just know we’re here to help you with anything you need,” she said quietly before walking away, giving him the space he needed more than anything else.

Taking in every tiny feature of his perfect little girl, Tom cried. He cried for how beautifully sweet Lilly looked in her pink hospital hat, wrapped in a pink blanket. He cried for his loss, pushing Julianne away only to find that ‘one day’ he hoped would come no longer existed. He cried for their family of two, missing the partner and mother he held in his arms such a short time ago as they brought their daughter into the world. He cried for all the fear inside of making mistakes when Lilly depended on him for everything.

And Tom cried for the immensity of love he felt for Lilly Grace, so great it seemed uncontainable, as though he’d burst from how much she filled his heart.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After the last chapter, I felt the need to add another today to make up for wrecking your feels.

Marianne’s arrival turned out to be more helpful than Tom feared. Jules’s twin sister being a family law attorney had begun worrying him once he’d gotten past the initial shock of Julianne’s death. Their unmarried status left him terrorized by thoughts of Mari contesting paternity, or worse, contesting custody.

However, she arrived with legal documents in hand that Julianne had drawn up ‘in the event of necessity’ by her sister, appropriately signed and recorded on file. They’d prepared a statement declaring Tom’s paternity, should he choose to acknowledge it, which nobody had to ask him twice to fill out the Acknowledgement of Paternity Form required for his name to be on Lilly’s birth certificate, already completed before Mari arrived Thursday morning. And there had been a legal document in which Julianne stated, even were they not married or together in any way, in the case of her incapacitation or death, Tom held primary rights to sole custody of their daughter, if he should so desire.

“Honestly, Tom, Jules always knew you were the one and hoped you’d come around to the same conclusion one day,” Mari commented as they stood in the private room nearest the nursery that Luke worked with the hospital to arrange for Lilly during her stay. The hospital had seen its fair share of celebrities in the past, but none with Tom’s unique circumstances or of his fandom status and wanted to maintain their professional reputation by helping Tom maintain his desired privacy.

The topic of their failed relationship wasn’t one Tom wished to discuss, particularly now that there would not be another opportunity to make amends. “Are you making final arrangements?” Tom didn’t particularly want to discuss that either, but it was necessary he knew before arranging his plans for travel back home to London, taking Lilly with him.

“She never wanted a funeral of any type, simply to be cremated. Jules hated funerals with a passion, always thought they were damned creepy.” Sighing, Julianne’s twin shook her head and laughed quietly. “I’ve already taken care of everything… Anyway, I prodded the hospital records department, and they’ll have Lilly’s birth certificate expedited from the state to the British Consulate and swear it’ll be there by Monday morning. Luke and I both spoke to various officials at the consulate. Sounds like there won’t be any problem with her holding dual citizenship, and they can arrange a British passport for her as soon as they have the birth certificate… Don’t hold me to this, but I’m pretty sure you’re paying a shit ton extra for these lovely services, and Luke just hasn’t mentioned it to you yet.”

Frustrated, Tom took Lilly from Mari’s arms, holding his daughter calming the building stress of everything happening. Mari simply relinquished the baby and watched how gentle and loving he was with her. “I don’t care about the money. I just want to get her home.” For a moment, Tom bit his lower lip, taking a shuddering breath. “Jules would have had clothes, blankets, and such already arranged for Lilly’s arrival at her place, I believe. Would you mind packing for her? I don’t want to go back there, too full of memories, but she’ll need things at the hotel and at home before Mum and... Bloody fucking hell… Fucking fuck me… I haven’t phoned Mum about any of this. She has no bloody idea. She’s going to bloody well murder me.”

“I’d suggest you do that then. Oh, and can you please promise me that my niece’s first words won’t be any Brit slang cursing, Tom?”

Tom blushed sheepishly, daughter tucked in one arm, close to his chest, mobile in the other hand. “I suppose the new Dad Tom needs to mind his mouth better than the old Not Dad Tom.”

Shaking her head, Mari started toward the door. “I’ll head over and take care of that packing. Good luck with your mother. I have a feeling you’re gonna need it. You’ve been a naughty little boy, Thomas.”

“Blow me, Mari.”

“Ah, language, Thomas… Saying such things in front of your daughter.”

“Who better not even know what that means for another thirty-five years,” Tom retorted.

As Marianne left the room, Tom realized just how good it felt to smile, laugh, and joke around, and somehow, it only seemed right to first act normal that way with Julianne’s sister. She would know better than anyone what was appropriate in the wake of losing her, while Tom wallowed in confusion and pain. Mari had no qualms about yanking him out of it and setting him back to rights, the way he needed to be if he honestly expected to be good for Lilly.

“You’ll always be Daddy’s girl, won’t you, Lilly?” he whispered to the soundly sleeping bundle of pink in his arm, smiling down at her. Tearing his eyes from her, he dialed his mum and prepared for the worst. “Mum? Oh, I didn’t interrupt something, did I? I could always phone back later, later when you’re not busy… Oh. Oh… Well then… I, uh, have something I need to tell you, Mum, but I think you should have a seat before I tell you. Get comfortable… Maybe even lie down… What? No. I’m not stalling… Okay. Yes. I am… Do you want the long version or the short version then the explanation?”

Tom sat in the room’s rocking chair, wondering if perhaps he needed to lie down in order to tell his mum. “Alright then. You’re a grandmother… No, Mum. You _are_ , as in Lilly Grace Hiddleston was born at 11:27 last night here in New York, six pounds, nine ounces, twenty-one and a half inches, absolutely perfect, and sound asleep as I’m holding her at the moment… I didn’t tell you because I didn’t know… Julianne… She’s… Um, there were complications, Mum. I’ll be returning home with Lilly. Alone. It’s just the two of us from here on out.”

The call didn’t go as horribly as Tom expected, though there’d been more crying, on both his part and his mother’s. Overall, she was warm and understanding, more concerned for Tom and excited about Lilly than upset over his failure to inform her sooner. And with him not returning until late Monday, possibly even Tuesday or later, she offered to get Emma on board and transform the guest room beside Tom’s bedroom into a nursery before he and Lilly arrived.

A knock on the door interrupted him taking more photos of Lilly sleeping, and Sandra, the dayshift nurse assigned to Lilly given their private-patient status, entered. “Sorry to bother you, Tom, but we have a few people at the desk asking to visit and need to know if they have your permission or if you’d like us to call security.” She pulled out a piece of paper. “Luke Windsor, Guillermo del Toro, Jessica Chastain, and an Olly Old.”

“Auld. Olly Auld, he’s my personal assistant, and yes, they’re all fine. Luke is my publicist, Jessica a recent costar in the film directed by Guillermo. All great people. Most definitely send them in.” Lilly woke up and started fussing a bit, wiggling in Tom’s arms, turning to rub her face against his shirt, mouth open, serving to remind Tom once more of Julianne’s permanent absence from their lives. “And it seems Lilly’s ready to be fed again. Would you mind preparing her bottle while I change her? Don’t want her ill-tempered with guests, and my publicist might have an aneurysm to think he not only has to deal with my sudden fatherhood but a screaming, uncooperative baby as well,” Tom said, laughing as Sandra grinned, agreeably hurrying out to get the formula and authorize their guests.

Tom insisted on being the only one to change Lilly’s diaper or feed her and that the nurses explain how he should do anything else necessary while looking on, but not do it for him. Early that morning Tom had an interesting lesson in sponge bathing a baby, umbilical cord care, and the nerve-wracking experience of trimming his daughter’s fingernails for the first time. He wasn’t keen on being told that would need to be done relatively frequently.

Their private room included an oversized chair which opened up into a bed for him, allowing him to remain right with Lilly, waking when she did through the night. It wasn’t the most comfortable set up, but Tom made the best of it. Luke had dropped his suitcase off shortly after Tom learnt of Julianne’s death, and wanting to be left alone, he asked security to please bring it to the room, no visitors for the night.

But he felt slightly better and ready to see the others. He’d showered, wheeling Lilly’s hospital crib next to the bathroom door and propping it ajar in order to hear her and respond quickly if necessary. She slept through everything but him getting a shirt on. His daughter already had a knack for timing, Sandra showing up to check on them for the first time on her shift as Tom stood there freshly showered, hair damp, wearing nothing but jeans, and holding Lilly. It was quite the introduction, though it didn’t faze Tom, Sandra blushed bright red and still blushed lightly each time she saw him since.

Now relaxed in his favorite blue t-shirt, Tom had just finished swaddling Lilly back up in her blanket when he heard Guillermo’s voice in the hallway. “Hush! Lilly may be sleeping.” And Tom laughed. Of course, the father among them would be scolding the rest so as not to disturb the baby.

Lilly was back in Tom’s arms, him gently rocking her to stay settled until her bottle arrived, though she wasn’t having any of it. She was hungry. Thankfully, the nurse was just ahead of the group, and Tom had her quieting down as they filed into the room, Sandra slipping out behind them.

Proudly holding and feeding his daughter, Tom looked up to smile at his friends. “Hey. I’d like you to meet Lilly Grace Hiddleston.”


	6. Chapter 6

“Tom, I know this isn’t an easy time for you, but a press release is necessary. You disappeared from the Crimson premiere. You’re cancelling the entire Nashville trip and all plans involved. Now you’ve decided to drop out of Skull Island when you’ve been one of the most enthusiastic supporters of that film project?”

Guillermo and Jessica couldn’t stay terribly long, still a lot of promo interviews and such happening for Crimson Peak, even more for them now that they were trying to cover for Tom’s absence. But Luke had business to discuss and wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon.

“Olly, would you please find a book shop nearby and purchase a selection of young children’s books, ones appropriate for reading aloud to Lilly? I want to introduce her to the love of books and reading and don’t believe I can possibly begin too early.” Not only that, but he was quite sure Olly couldn’t get out of the room fast enough when Luke was like this. “Thank you.”

His personal assistant practically bolted from the room.

“Tom, if we don’t make a statement to the media, give them something, let anyone know the truth behind you suddenly falling off the planet, you’re not going to have a film career left. Right now, this all just happened, and you’ll have people’s sympathy and support, but keep waiting, sitting on this, and everyone will feel betrayed by your silence,” Luke insisted.

Rising from the rocking chair, Tom began slowly walking the room, looking more at the baby in his arms than anything else, but feeling the need to move. “What are you suggesting?”

“Of course, there are the obvious standard press releases, but as with any tidbit of newsworthy celebrity information, and anything regarding your personal life definitely qualifies, we run into the issue of media outlets feeling that we play favorites with certain ones if we divulge that info in any way they see as unfairly, especially something as huge as this.” Sighing in frustration with the countless hours he could already see going into this debacle, Luke leaned to take a look out the window. At least no one seemed to have figured out where Tom was… yet. “I’ve discussed this with the team, and we all agree it may be best to keep this in house with Prosper, allow you to disperse it further, and then the internet will do the rest. The first few noteworthy interview requests that come in, we’ll discuss with you, but I highly recommend that you agree to them.”

“And what do you mean by ‘in house’ exactly?”

“A simple tweet from Prosper’s Twitter. It’s already been carefully written.” Pulling out his phone, Luke read it out. “’Congratulations to @twhiddleston on the birth of his daughter Lilly Grace & our deepest sympathies for the loss of his longtime SO Julianne.’ Then you would retweet it as a quoted tweet and add a simple message such as ‘Lilly and I greatly appreciate the kindness and support offered during this difficult time.’ And add this photo I caught of the two of you while Guillermo and Jess were still here.”

It was a simple candid shot of Tom standing near the window, holding Lilly and kissing her tiny hand as she grasped his finger, softened by the natural light filtered through the tinted windows. The purity of the moment and depth of love caught on camera were astonishing to Tom. “You are sending me that right now, aren’t you? You best be.”

“Check your phone. It’s already sent.”

Indeed, Tom checked his phone, saved the photo, and set it as his phone’s wallpaper and lock screen. He had a feeling that for quite a long time to come, Lilly would be featured heavily in the background of every device he owned.

“I’m not sure about using Twitter to announce such news, Luke. One hundred forty characters isn’t enough to explain.”

“Then take to your official Facebook page. Write what you feel must be said, but still include the photo. The visual impact of that will help sway anyone on the fence about the issue,” he reiterated.

“I’ll work on it once I lay her down again and have some peace and quiet, time alone to think on what I want to say. You’re not micromanaging this one. My life is different now, Luke. I’m a single father to a newborn for Christ’s sake. When it involves Lilly in any way, you need to back off and leave me to consider matters, how they will affect my daughter, before I decide how we proceed.” Tom’s stern, nearly threatening expression wasn’t a familiar sight on the typically affable man Luke knew, and he merely nodded in reply.

Eventually, Olly returned with a small selection of books, apologizing for not honestly knowing what Tom would prefer in that realm of interests, though no one had expressed the slightest disappointment. With Olly’s return came Luke’s casual announcement they needed to be going and would come again tomorrow. He had a lot of work still to be done and needed Olly’s assistance for the time being.

Tom sighed with relief as the door shut behind them. Although Lilly had been asleep for some time, he wouldn’t put her down and give Luke reason to push him into writing that Facebook post while he could watch over Tom’s shoulder. He genuinely wanted his fans to understand what was happening, to know he didn’t mean to upset them by not showing at these events where they expected him, but by no means did he want his message to them to be crafted carefully for the sake of image and be disingenuous in any way.

With Lilly in the hospital crib, wheeled next to Tom’s chair, he sat back with his laptop, one of the many things now at his disposal since receiving all of his belongings from the hotel room. First things first, he emailed the photo to himself and saved it.

After logging in, he noticed “Team Tom” wasn’t responding to fan questions and complaints regarding his disappearance from the premiere, something he appreciated. He wanted to be the one his fans heard this from, not filtered through his publicist, exaggerated by the media, or guessed at by those who knew nothing. Still, he sat staring at the screen, tapping the chair’s arm, glancing at Lilly several times, before deciding what to write on Facebook, yet first, he did one other thing to prepare for the post he planned.

            _The support of my fans has long been extraordinary, and I hope not to lose you after what I’m about to confess and explain._

_Since New Year’s Eve of 2012, I’d been privately involved in a serious relationship with Julianne Marie Keaton, best known as New York Times bestselling psychological thriller author JM Keaton. On Wednesday, fourteenth October, during the NYC Crimson Peak premiere, Julianne went into labor with our daughter one week early._

_Lilly Grace Hiddleston was born at 11:27 that night, weighing six pounds and nine ounces at twenty-one and a half inches long. She’s beautifully perfect in every way. However, following delivery, there were significant complications for Julianne, and soon after welcoming our daughter into the world, I faced the devastating loss of my partner, love of my life, and mother of my child._

_It is in light of these events that I am not continuing with several of my previously scheduled promotional and filming engagements. My priority above all else is as a father to Lilly, and I prefer to care for her myself in these early months, giving us time to bond and me time to grieve for Julianne._

_I promise to resume working when the time comes for filming Thor 3. In the meantime, I’ve created an Instagram account for those of you interested in ‘bragging daddy’ photos, @twhiddleston. For now, I’ll leave you with this photo taken by Luke while Lilly and I had a few visitors this morning. Thank you for all the love and support you’ve given me over the years. Lots of Love, Tom x_

Attaching the photo, Tom clicked ‘post’ then watched as replies began pouring in within a minute, downloading the Instagram app onto his phone and posting one photo of Lilly being weighed right after birth and another he’d taken of her sleeping in his arms near dawn, shortly before his shower. He’d set his profile picture as one the nurses took of him feeding her for the first time, profile description reading ‘Father. Actor. In that order.’ Then deciding he liked the sound of that, he changed his Twitter bio to read the same.

Comments to the post were positive reactions as of yet, from simply sad or crying emojis to congratulations and sympathies to longer replies of love, sadness for his loss, and understanding of his desire to spend time with his new baby. Outrage would undoubtedly arise within the fandom, but Tom always knew he couldn’t have any manner of a personal life _and_ satisfy them all forever.


	7. Chapter 7

“… And a quiet old lady who was whispering “hush”. Goodnight room. Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight light and the red balloon. Goodnight bears. Goodnight chairs.” As Tom continued turning the board book’s pages and reading, he rocked Lilly who appeared as if she wanted to stare up at her daddy’s face, but her eyelids kept drooping closed, refusing to cooperate in her sleepy state. “Goodnight kittens. And goodnight mittens. Goodnight clocks. And goodnight socks. Goodnight little house. And goodnight mouse. Goodnight comb. And goodnight brush. Goodnight nobody. Goodnight mush. And goodnight to the old lady whispering “hush”. Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight noises everywhere.”

Marianne slipped into the room almost soundlessly. “Everything’s loaded into the first car, and they’re headed over to the hotel.” Today, she was dressed as if she had court, black skirt suit, crisp white button down, and lethal high heels, all in preparation for Tom and Lilly leaving the hospital now that word had leaked which hospital he could be found. “Whenever you’re ready, Tom… Not to rush you, but you can’t just hide here. You have to face the world head-on eventually.”

“I know… Just… Just give me a minute, please,” Tom requested softly and watched Mari back away, leaving him alone with Lilly once again. Alone with Lilly. He’d admitted to himself in the hours at the hospital that this wasn’t how he imagined it working out when he left the premiere to be present at his daughter’s birth. This was supposed to be how everything came together, he and Julianne with Lilly, the closure of his single, childless years and beginning of a new chapter in his life.

“This wasn’t the new beginning I expected, Lilly, though I suppose you didn’t either. You may not realize it now, but you came into this world needing your mother, as all babies do, and you’re left alone with me.” Tom carried her over to the Maxi-Cosi infant car seat/carrier Jessica had brought as a gift, gently placing her inside and buckling it exactly as Rosita assured him was proper. “Once we leave here, there won’t be any nurses to call if I’m unsure what I’m doing, sweetheart. We’ll have people hovering about at the hotel for the next few days, but once we’re home, it’s just us… And I’m afraid I have a lot to learn, will make mistakes, may sometimes cry as miserably as you, but know this: You are Daddy’s little girl, and I will always love you.”

Once in his overcoat, Tom donned the Armani messenger-style diaper bag Guillermo gave him, double-checked Lilly’s blankets were tucked snuggly around her then picked her up in the carrier and headed out to face the reality of his new life with Lilly Grace… paps, fans, and everything else it entailed now.

Tom estimated roughly twenty feet between the relative safety of the hospital and its security to the relative safety of the black SUV parked waiting for he and Lilly. But Luke and Marianne weren’t exaggerating when they said word had spread they would be leaving the hospital around noon on Friday. Lilly was a textbook healthy newborn, giving the hospital no reason not to discharge her after thirty-six hours. As glad as Tom was there were no worrisome issues with his daughter’s health, looking out at the number of fans and press awaiting them, significant enough for the hospital to call out New York’s finest to maintain order, he almost wished there were reasons to stay.

Standing beside him, Luke exhaled loudly. “ _This_ is insane. I mean, I’ve never seen anything like it for something such as a simple hospital exit.” He shook his head and turned to Tom. “Everyone wants photos of you, wants to see you being Daddy Tom, so Mari and I will be one either side of you about a step back to give clear shots for the cameras, two of the hospital’s best security guys shadowing all of us. We’ll follow your lead, Tom. How you handle this is completely up to you.”

It was a relief to hear Luke finally getting the idea Tom wouldn’t be pushed around when it came to anything involving his daughter. However, until he stepped outside the hospital doors, he had no idea what he’d feel was best. He could only hope his fatherly instincts to protect Lilly fully functioned, that he would simply _know_ what to do.

Taking a deep breath, Tom gripped Lilly’s carrier tightly as he held it in front of him where he could see her face. “Let’s go.”

One of the security guards who would fall in line behind them opened the door, and Tom immediately heard the excitement of those outside rise. As soon as he stepped out, a cacophony of cameras, calls for him to look this way or that, fans expressing love and support in various ways, but what caught his attention were the many signs his fans held, not the typical declarations of love to him. ‘Tom & Lilly we love you! #LillyHiddles’ ‘Hiddlestoners <3 Tom & Lilly #LillyHiddles’ and many other signs simply saying ‘#LillyHiddles’ with no further explanation.

“Luke, get a photo of me with Lilly and the fans in the background. Try to get as many of the signs in it as you can.”

“Is this for your Instagram you started last night?” his publicist asked with a mild eye roll. “I’ve told you, I want a heads up before you join more social media… But fine.”

He set his phone’s camera to take a 1:1 ratio photo to fit on Instagram then easily snapped several shots as Tom beamed with pride, holding his daughter in her carrier, many fans behind the police blockade, stretching to make their signs seen. Perhaps this whole incident wasn’t going to be the PR nightmare Luke envisioned, not when over a hundred fans showed up simply to see Tom and his daughter leave the hospital. It seemed Daddy Tom was an even bigger winner in fans’ hearts than Prince Charming Tom, a role Tom had grown tired of Luke perpetuating.

Eventually, they made it to the SUV, Tom waving before climbing inside and latching Lilly’s seat into place, Mari on the other side, Luke sitting in front. As soon as he was sure his daughter was secure, he told the driver to go on.

On the way, Tom posted the best of the photos Luke took and texted to him onto his Instagram, thanking his fans for their incredible support. Then he went to Twitter to find out about this #LillyHiddles from the signs. He couldn’t believe his eyes to see it among Twitter’s trending topics. It appeared to simply be the hashtag everyone was using in discussing the topic of Tom’s new fatherhood, and according to Google, #LillyHiddles was being used across all the various social media platforms. Although he suspected it was in heaviest usage on Twitter and Tumblr, it seemed Instagram was full of photos using the hashtag, many of fans showing signs of support, some of baby gifts about to be shipped.

“They’re not mostly benign,” he said to himself more than anyone, thinking back to his comment on The Graham Norton Show. “They’re mostly kind and compassionate.”

The drive between Mount Sinai and the Four Seasons Hotel barely took more than twenty minutes in the light, midday traffic, and though Tom typically didn’t care much about what kind of room he stayed in at any given hotel anywhere in the world, this time was different. He’d specifically requested a suite to give him more privacy, one with a bedroom for him where he had asked that a crib be placed, wanting to stay near Lilly at all times. They offered diaper genies, bottle warmers, and promised their forty-third floor Manhattan Suite would be completely prepared for Tom’s arrival with his newborn daughter. The hotel would ensure Tom and Lilly needed for nothing during their stay.

Ten minutes into the ride, Lilly was full-on crying in the car seat to the point Tom freed her from it the second the SUV parked, asking Mari to please get it, but hotel staff were on duty to take care of everything for them. Tom held Lilly protectively against his chest, one palm nearly covering her head as he gently stroked her cheek with his fingers to calm her, letting her suck on his pinky to distract her until they were upstairs where he could feed her, while wishing he were more capable a father, better organized, thought ahead.

As they walked through the lobby with women noticing him and thinking what a wonderful father Tom appeared to be, Tom didn’t notice, too busy mentally listing his every fault and smallest failure to care for Lilly in the best way possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize, but there won't be new chapters posted on weekends. I'm generally offline, spending time with my husband and kids then.


	8. Chapter 8

To be fair, Tom paid for Mari to stay at the Four Seasons in a nearby room, giving her easier access to spend time with her niece before returning to Savannah. In all honesty however, a large part of him resented her presence and could barely stand to look at her at times.

Marianne and Julianne weren’t identical twins, but there were far too many similarities for Mari not to be a constant, painful reminder of Jules. He and Mari got on just fine, always had, yet he couldn’t find it in him to be disappointed when an emergency arose with her own son, and she had to fly out Monday afternoon.

“I gave Luke all the information I’d noted, but as of 9:30 this morning, Lilly’s birth certificate was en route to the British Consulate, so it should be there by now, and they were expecting its arrival.” Holding Lilly, Mari played with her tiny fingers as she spoke. “The consulate doesn’t typically deal with any of this shit, so count yourself lucky they were willing to do the legwork on the UK end of things to deal with this… But apparently someone important there has a daughter who’s a huge fan and figures having you owe him a favor is advantageous. Basically, I think Luke is selling your soul to make this happen.”

Shaking his head, Tom took Lilly back into his arms when Mari glanced at her watch and began gathering her things. “My only concern is getting Lilly home, what it costs or who I owe favors in the end matters none.”

“I know. I know. You said it before.” Laptop bag slung over her shoulder, purse in hand, Marianne walked toward the door with Tom trailing behind. “I wish I could stay longer, but you’ve got this, Tom. Don’t psyche yourself out worrying so much,” she said, turning to him, one hand on the door handle. “If I didn’t wholly believe I could trust you with my niece, I wouldn’t have lifted a finger to get her home ASAP. Home. In London. With her father. Tom, you’re inexperienced, but so is every other new parent. Kids don’t come with instruction books unfortunately. From what I’ve seen, you’ve shown yourself as more than capable of doing this on your own. Nobody’s perfect, and you may go days at a time without a shower because you’re just too damned busy with her, and half your wardrobe may end up with various baby-caused stains on it, but I know you’ll take care of the important stuff. Lilly won’t go hungry, lack proper healthcare or a good education, or want for much of anything I’d imagine, but she also won’t go without the love and affection kids need. Hell, most dads I know could take a lesson or two from you on how to let down their walls and simply bond with their children.”

Tom’s perplexed expression amused Mari, but given the circumstances, she said nothing. “I don’t… I can’t see how any father could _not_ feel this way.” Yet it gnawed at him that perhaps his own father lacked this very basic connection to his children.

Giving Lilly and Tom each a quick kiss on the cheek, she opened the door and stepped into the hallway. “That’s because you’re a natural, Thomas, born to be a dad… You know how to reach me if you ever need anything, anything at all, but I’ve gotta run before I miss my flight. Love you both.”

Finally, Tom had the suite and Lilly completely to himself. The entire weekend had been a bustling stream of people in and out. Now Lilly was clean, fed, and awake from her latest nap, once again staring at Tom’s face, which he thought she did an inordinate amount of time but didn’t mind it one bit. He could stare at her all day as well.

“We should do something, sweetheart. What do you say? You like that idea?” Tom rubbed her little hand with a finger, grinning at the way she instinctively grasped it. “I doubt I could ever tire of that and do believe it may break my heart the day you outgrow holding my hand… But that won’t be for a very, very long time, will it?”

An idea popping into his head, he carried her into their bedroom, laying Lilly on her side of the bed, propped up against pillows and carefully barricaded with additional pillows from any risk of moving anywhere. Positive he’d made her safe, Tom got his guitar case from beside the unused crib. Then with guitar in hand, he positioned himself so Lilly could see him right in front of her. “Should Daddy sing to you?” He paused, as if waiting for a response. “Well, you didn’t scream or cry at the idea, and you’re a captive audience, rather literally, so let’s see how you like it.”

At first simply picking at the strings and humming nothing in particular, more playing around with making combinations of sounds he thought Lilly would enjoy, Tom soon began attempting to play what he thought was just the right song, if he didn’t mangle it. Or perhaps it would simply be his unique version of it since he didn’t really know the proper chords or anything.

“Fly me to the moon, and let me play among the stars… Let me see what spring is like on Jupitar and Mars. In other words, ho-ld my hand… In other words, ba-by, kiss me… Fill my heart with song, and let me si-ng forevermo-ore… You are all I long for, all I worship and adore… In other words, plea-ease be true… In other words… I love you…” Tom continued humming and improvising a slightly jazzy ending. “That wasn’t too bad, was it?”

The unexpected single-person applause from the doorway startled Tom, causing Lilly to start crying. Quickly setting his guitar aside, he scooped her up, and glared daggers at Luke. “Have you forgotten how to knock?”

“I have my own key card and didn’t want to disturb Lilly if she was sleeping or make you have to get up if you were feeding her… But I will admit,” Luke said with a grin, holding up his phone, “this turned out to be ideal. You were too occupied performing for her to even hear me come in, and the doors were open, so I came in to talk to you only to walk in on the most spectacular opportunity. I mean, I didn’t get all of it, but there’s more than enough to be worthwhile.”

“Luke…” Tom inhaled deeply, trying to maintain his calm so as not to further upset Lilly. “I don’t want you posting such things on YouTube or whatever.”

“Not YouTube. Prosper’s Instagram. Just a fifteen second snippet… And I wouldn’t post it until we’re promoting you for the ELLE photoshoot and interview they want you for when we get home.”

“Get out of my bedroom, Luke. I’ll be out to speak with you shortly.” For a moment, he thought the other man was about to argue but clearly thought better of it and left. “I don’t know about this, Lilly... Should I be hiding you from the world the way Ben does Christopher?” Tom shook his head. “No… I don’t want to become like that, so withdrawn from fans, constantly stalked by anyone with a camera who might be the lucky one to catch a glimpse of his child… _We_ are not hiding away in the house all the time, Lilly. It’s not fair to either of us. Normal parents post photos and videos of their children on social media all the time, normal, proud parents… I may possibly have a few million more followers than they do, but the concept doesn’t change, right?” He kissed her little hand, grasped tightly around his finger, her calm almost immediately in the arms of her daddy. “No, it doesn’t. The entire population of this planet could follow me, and it wouldn’t matter. I love you more than anything or anyone. Hopefully your nana won’t take it too hard that she’s been knocked down a notch by her granddaughter.” Sighing, Tom took a moment to simply study her face. “You are perfection, Lilly Grace… I suppose we should go deal with Luke before he gets too impatient with Daddy.”

As expected, Luke was pacing impatiently in his wait. “Finally! Tom, look, we can deal with the video later. I came with much more important news… A courier will be here by three o’clock with all of Lilly’s necessary documents for travel. We can book a flight back home now… And ELLE would like you to do a photoshoot with Lilly and an interview Wednesday morning.”

Tom stared at his publicist, mouth agape while processing this new information. “I can… I can take Lilly home. Lilly, we’re going home!” he exclaimed, spinning around with her, unable to stop smiling, thinking of having her in his home… their home. “I don’t want her on a commercial flight, not with God knows what germs and such. She’s too young. Book a private jet for the four of us, something early this evening preferably. A photoshoot and interview with ELLE is fine, but see if afternoon would work for them.”

“What’s wrong with Wednesday morning?”

“Lilly is supposed to start seeing a pediatrician at about five days old. Being optimistic, I already made an appointment with one in London for tomorrow afternoon. That means we’ll have arrived ridiculously early in the morning, and I’ll spend the afternoon with her at the doctor, so I’d like a chance to rest up a bit before meeting with ELLE.”

Nodding, Luke was already on his phone, typing away. “Okay. Email sent to ELLE,” he said, not even looking up from his phone. “Something tells me they’ll fall all over themselves to accommodate you if it means getting an exclusive photoshoot with Tom Hiddleston and his newborn daughter. You have no idea how many requests we’ve had… Oh, and there’s a private charter company that should be able to…” Sentence unfinished, he held the phone to his ear and walked off to work out the details.

“I suppose I should figure out how to tell Jaguar that I can’t drive their car around anymore. A two-seater sport coupe isn’t exactly practical with an infant car seat, Lilly. Daddy needs a new car.” With a heavy sigh, Tom admitted to himself changing his life to accommodate a baby affected more than he’d considered while at the hospital… He did love driving the Jag.

Some changes were going to be more difficult than others.


	9. Chapter 9

Home.

Tom’s schedule hadn’t included a return trip home to stay for any length of time until Spring, but Lilly changed that, wiping away all but unadulterated family time over the next eight months before filming began for Thor 3. Well, perhaps not completely unadulterated thanks to Luke’s plans for keeping Tom’s image and career alive despite the setbacks. And he’d have to figure out something when it came time for I Saw the Light to release in the US in late March.

But as Tom laid sprawled across his bed, one arm curved around a soundly sleeping Lilly, he simply wanted to enjoy the fact he was home. _They_ were home. He had no intention of moving to another house and could already imagine Lilly filling this house with little footsteps running down the hall, giggles, and happiness and love and pink paraphernalia of all varieties. It would be her childhood home, the place she could always return to, her safety net.

Nothing could change Julianne being an ever-missing piece of Lilly’s life, but as they lay there, Tom watching her chest rise and fall with each breath, he swore, if he couldn’t give his daughter her mother, he would give her stability. “You’ll always have me, Lilly Grace, and you’ll always have this home. I won’t leave you, and I won’t take this from you.”

As if his parents’ divorce hadn’t been hard enough on Tom, the sale of his childhood home so they could each move on with their separate lives hit him harder. The foundation of his life crumbled, a family fractured into pieces, a home that wasn’t truly _home_ to him left in the wake. That was a feeling from which he would spare his own daughter.

“Sleep deprivation is making Daddy overly emotional, Lilly. Here I am worrying over how you’ll look back on your childhood years down the road, and what I should be doing is dragging myself off this bed and changing clothes for your first doctor’s appointment.” The doorbell rang before he did anything, putting a halt on plans for a shirt without baby spit up and drool on it.

Tom peeked out the window, seeing a man in a finely tailored suit, and opened the door, knowing damn well he looked a mess. “Can I help you,” he asked.

The man smiled and gave a polite nod. “Mr. Hiddleston, I have a delivery for you.” Producing a fancy, high-quality envelope from his inner jacket pocket, he handed it over and took a step back, giving Tom a minute to read its contents with a measure of privacy.

_Dear Mr. Hiddleston,_

_Congratulations on the birth of your daughter, and please accept this gift. We believe it will far better suit your current needs and maintain our prosperous professional relationship. Transport Lilly Grace in style and assured safety in the UK’s first 2016 Jaguar F-Pace._

_All the best,_

_Jaguar_

Shocked, Tom stepped outside the door to look around, finding the sleek, white, sporty crossover parked in front of his garage. “Sir, you’ll need these,” the man in the suit said, handing Tom the key fobs. “And if you would sign here, here, and here and initial here, you will be the proud owner of Jaguar’s only early release F-Pace. They won’t be available to the general public until April.”

Tom signed and initialed, receiving a copy of the paperwork he’d just signed. “I’m not sure I know what to say. Thank you doesn’t seem quite enough.”

“I’m merely the messenger and delivery man, Mr. Hiddleston. This gift comes from the highest levels of corporate.” Shaking Tom’s hand, the man nodded politely once again. “It’s been a pleasure.” Then he walked off to meet another man in a black Jag parked in front of Tom’s house and left.

Hurrying back into the house, Tom ran to his bedroom, hearing Lilly starting to cry out. So much for changing clothes while she slept quietly… But at least the lack of a family car managed to miraculously solve itself with a little assistance from Jaguar and his celebrity status.

“You cannot possibly be hungry again, Lilly, not with how much you actually ate earlier.” Offering his pinky to suckle, she turned away, confirming hunger wasn’t the problem. Still, he scooped her into his arms, resting her head on his shoulder and walked around the room with a little bounce in his step, patting her back… until she burped, wet and messy right on his shoulder and down the back of his shirt. “I certainly hope you feel better because I _must_ shower before we leave.”

Setting Lilly in the bouncy seat his mum had bought and put in the nursery, Tom brought her into the en suite with him, talking to her while he showered, shaved, and somewhat styled his hair. Then still wearing nothing but a towel himself, he stripped her down, gave her a speedy sponge bath, treated her umbilical cord stump, and whisked her into the nursery to find something for her to wear in her open, but not unpacked, suitcase. “This is your room, princess, and the idea is that one day, you _will_ eventually sleep in here instead of in bed with me.”

He hadn’t done it intentionally the first time, falling asleep while feeding her in the hotel bed, not putting her into the crib. However, it was so much simpler, saved time, and seemed to make her sleep longer, in turn, giving him more sleep. Lilly never did see the inside of that hotel crib, and Tom honestly doubted she’d be seeing the inside of the one in the nursery his mum and Emma worked so hard to put together anytime soon either.

“We call it ‘attachment parenting,’ and though it is considered rather controversial, I happen to agree with some of the basic developmental reasons behind it,” explained Dr. Ayres as they sat in her office after the exam determined Lilly was right on track in her desired growth and still showed no signs of less than excellent health. “If you intend to continue co-sleeping, I highly recommend purchasing some manner of infant co-sleeper which protects Lilly from rolling over and off the bed when the time comes, and you won’t necessarily know when that time has come until it’s too late. However, you may have to order it online as this isn’t the most common of parenting methods here.”

Tom felt a bit uncomfortable with the idea the pediatrician was somewhat judging him for his choices or that perhaps he wasn’t doing the best thing for his daughter. “Is… is it something I should stop? Should I force her to sleep in the nursery?” His voice gave way to his emotions, tears pricking his eyes at the mere thought of his tiny baby girl so far from him. “It’s just that I… I…”

“It’s alright, Tom. You’re doing just fine. Given your specific and unusual situation, I believe you’ve followed your gut instinct to determine what is best for both of you, and I can clearly see that you both benefit from the physical proximity and affectional bond. There are plenty of books to be found on the topic, but the fundamental principles require a parent to be sensitive, investing themselves emotionally and physically in nurturing their child.” The doctor watched Tom with Lilly, his gentle and affectionate care for her every need since they entered. “It seems this is what you’re most naturally comfortable with, Tom, but you do need to consider how you intend to handle returning to work as a single father to an infant who doesn’t know what separation from you feels like. Be aware there can be a great deal of very upsetting separation anxiety, often for both the parent and child.”

“We have eight months before my next filming engagement, Dr. Ayres. I’m sure Lilly and I will find a way to get through it just fine,” Tom stated confidently, too absorbed in Lilly to notice the concern in the doctor’s eyes.


	10. Chapter 10

_Many thanks to @jaguar for the superb baby gift. Lilly enjoys riding in our new F-Pace, a sleek, white carriage fit for my princess with plenty of horsepower for her daddy. #jaguar #LillyHiddles_

Tom posted a selfie on Instagram of him with Lilly in her car seat in the back of their F-Pace, angling it to capture the dashboard controls and steering wheel in the background. By the time they arrived to meet up with ELLE’s photographer and interviewer, the post had over fifty thousand likes, and Jaguar had commented in return.

_You’re welcome, @twhiddleston. It may be good to be bad, but the best villains will stop at nothing to protect their own. We wouldn’t dare give you less than the best for your princess._

“Ehehehe… You don’t think Daddy’s a bad guy, do you, Lilly?” Tom playfully asked, talking to his baby as he took her out of her car seat and arranged her in the baby carrier he’d stopped and bought at Mothercare on the way home from the doctor’s yesterday. Wearing her in the carrier simplified his life, keeping her with him yet freeing his arms, allowing him to get a few things done, like unpacking the suitcase full of her clothes… And attempting to treat his own to remove stains, which was possibly a lost cause. “Let me just grab the diaper bag, and we’re off. Are you ready to be photographed? You should be used to it already with how many photos I’ve taken of you.”

For the first time in so long he couldn’t remember, Tom had butterflies about a photoshoot, this photoshoot. How would they style him? What about Lilly? Would they look natural or appear forced? Question after question ran through his head until he reached the twelfth floor to find familiar faces of the same women he’d worked with for the video and shoot back in late 2013.

 After the requisite ‘oohing’ and ‘aahing’ over Lilly from Annabel, Molly, and the rest of Team ELLE, Tom had relaxed significantly, chatting about the shoot with Mari Sarai while everyone fussed over his daughter. A videographer was capturing ‘behind the scenes’ footage from the moment they arrived. The shoot itself would be primarily black and white, no makeup used on Lilly, mainly aimed at capturing the natural bond between Tom and Lilly and, as Molly admitted, Tom’s ‘unnaturally irresistible sex appeal.’

The last comment made Tom blush bright pink. “No selling the sex appeal too hard… I’m not on the market.” Silence fell awkwardly, and Molly opened her mouth to speak. “No need to apologize,” Tom interrupted. “I’m not offended… I just… Maybe we should get on with this.”

A stylist took care of Tom’s hair, but he requested no makeup, to do the whole shoot au natural. Mari Sarai took a few test shots, and Team ELLE agreed, Tom was devastatingly handsome without touch ups, his every line and imperfection simply drew them in further, the depth of character in his features enough to stare at forever and a day, though they managed not to fangirl gush to such an extent in front of him.

First up wasn’t what Tom would necessarily call a simple clothing choice, but definitely a familiar one. While he changed into the tux, he couldn’t help but be curious what they were changing Lilly into in the other room. Adjusting the French cuffs as he stepped out from dressing, he looked up to see Annabel holding Lilly, who was now more dress than baby. Layers of lavender taffeta trimmed in rosettes and pearl details covered all but her arms and head, which had a lavender headband bearing coordinating rosettes and pearls.

“Is this my date for the evening? She’s quite lovely,” Tom teased, taking his daughter into his arms.

“That’s the idea… You and Lilly are red carpet ready,” Molly chimed in.

It didn’t take long to have more than enough magazine layout worthy photos… or for Lilly to have had her fill of wearing the taffeta concoction. “Tom, while we get her out of this, go ahead and get into the dark wash jeans and white button down for these next shots.” Annabel smiled as she held Lilly to her shoulder and began carefully unzipping the dress. “We’ll have her ready in a minute.”

Once changed, Tom joined the rest of them in the main room, which resembled a lounge; sofa, chairs, lamps, and all the trappings. Annabel was holding a completely naked Lilly now as she approached him. “This is where we’re really looking to capture that intimate bond on camera. We envisioned more skin-to-skin contact, so if you wouldn’t mind unbuttoning your shirt, rolling up the sleeves then taking Lilly and getting comfortable on the sofa as if you were taking a nap together.”

Tom rolled the shirtsleeves up first then unbuttoned the shirt, feeling every pair of eyes in the room on him as he did. He’d done his share of nudity on film, but not been quite so revealing of himself in a photoshoot before. However, skin-to-skin contact was something he’d read about online while researching attachment parenting, so he reasoned it wouldn’t be at all unnatural of him to be this way with Lilly.

And he was right. The moment he had Lilly pressed to his chest, naked and seeking warmth from him, he didn’t feel provocative. He felt protective.

All of Team ELLE were abuzz over how beautiful the photos were going to be, watching him lying on the sofa, Lilly curled up with her head resting on his chest. Mari did most of the moving as she photographed them, having Tom change positions of his arms or legs or the way his hands were on Lilly, sometimes eyes closed as if sleeping, other shots he simply gazed at his daughter, and a few his eyes were straight on the camera.

Soon, Mari Sarai declared the photoshoot complete, sure she had more than enough photos for ELLE’s layout, and Tom went to change back into his own clothes while she loaded them onto her laptop for a preview and Annabel redressed Lilly. He returned to Molly cuddling Lilly and the entire team crowded around the monitor, occasionally squealing with delight at one particular photo or another.

“I’ll try to make this easy on you, not delve too far into topics you may not want to discuss,” Annabel began explaining as they settled in on the sofa for the interview, “but I’m sure you can imagine your fans have a lot of questions and want to know more about this ‘new’ Tom we’re seeing.”

Tom nodded, somewhat apprehensive regarding this portion of the day. “Let me say outright, I won’t discuss Julianne except to state: Julianne Keaton was the love of my life, and I don’t know how one’s heart mends in the wake of such a loss… or if it even can.” He focused on the task of feeding Lilly rather than acknowledging Team ELLE looking on with pity in their eyes. “However, once started, I may never stop talking about Lilly and being a dad. She’s the center of my universe.”

“This is a side of you no one’s seen before, not even for a role in a film, you as the doting dad. I have to tell you, watching you during the photoshoot and even just walking in here wearing her in a baby carrier, diaper bag slung over your shoulder, you appear amazingly at ease. I’ve seen experienced fathers with less confidence when it comes to handling a newborn, and Lilly’s only a week old, right?” asked the interviewer, admiring Tom with his daughter.

“One week today.” He gently rubbed a finger under Lilly’s chin, encouraging her to keep feeding, hoping finishing the bottle might mean a long nap. “To be honest, I was terrified at first. The midwife asked me to cut the cord, so I did then a nurse gave me my daughter to hold for the very first time, right after delivery, still a bit slippery and all the things they don’t show on the telly when a new dad is holding his clean, pink-faced newborn. But none of that bothered me. I felt the need to protect her from the first moment I held her, and so I held her close.”

A chorus of ‘awwws’ came from around the room before Molly chimed into the interview with a few questions. “What made you decide to join Instagram and post baby pictures? From a fan’s perspective, it’s wonderful, and we all love it, but you’ve never done Instagram in the past or shared much from your personal life. Why now?”

“Because I want to be like any other dad, the guys I know posting photos of their children, boasting of this or that, being a proud parent, enjoying the fun of it. How many followers I have doesn’t truly matter. No one can change the fact that I’m a father now, nor can anyone change who I am, but I’ll be damned if I can’t be a normal single father who happens to be rather well known,” Tom insisted, tossing a cloth over his shoulder to burp Lilly. “You see this?” he asked, gesturing to the cloth. “Nobody mentioned things like this in all their advice on how to care for a newborn. I’ve lost possibly a half dozen shirts to stains and finally learned on my own.”

Molly and a few others giggled at that, Tom rewarding their giggles with one of his heart-stopping smiles.

“As a celebrity, someone of your financial status, do you really consider yourself a _normal single father_? Don’t you have assistance, a nanny or someone to help ease some of the burden?” Once again, it was Molly with the question, but she regretted it the moment she saw the responding expression on Tom’s face.

“No. I don’t,” he replied coolly. “When the US premiere of I Saw the Light comes around, I’ll likely ask my mum to travel with me for assistance… Other than that, I’m doing this on my own for the next eight months before Thor 3. Then I’ll obviously have to figure out something, but I still intend on Lilly traveling with me, allowing me to care for her myself every opportunity I have.” Tom kissed Lilly’s head, running his hand gently up and down her back as she dozed off on his shoulder. “I’m her father, and her mother is gone. From my perspective, that makes Lilly solidly my responsibility, and I’ve made a commitment to her above all. I won’t pass her off on someone else.”

“I meant no offence.”

Tom nodded in concession. “None taken. Plenty of fathers do far worse than pass off childcare responsibilities to hired help.” Laying her back in his arms, he watched Lilly sleep as he talked. “Quite frankly, for years, I feared being a disappointment as a father, falling short of my children’s expectations or that of their mother, but doing this on my own has altered my view. When we’re alone in the quiet at home, I sometimes have these overwhelmingly poignant moments of realization and clarity. Lilly and I are a family, a small one, but a family all the same, and through the years, we _will_ have times when we disappoint each other… and times when we’re proud of one another, because we _are_ a family, and we’ll celebrate like one, fight like one, and love like one… Be it a family of two or twenty, that’s all part of it.”

Tom with Lilly Grace

_(Manip by me)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have chapter 11 written and will warn that it's VERY rough emotionally, but if you guys want it posted today, let me know in the comments, and I'll put it up before the weekend rather than waiting till Monday since I don't update on weekends. I'll leave it up to you if you'd like your feels wrecked on a Friday or not. :-)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You asked for, so I'm giving it. Please comment after reading. This was a very difficult chapter to write, but Tom has his own emotional baggage, and I couldn't ignore it.

Diana Hiddleston never was the overbearing type, much of her son’s affable nature being traits inherited from her, and understanding the personal space Tom preferred when under stress, she let him be for the first few days after he and Lilly arrived in London. She and Emma had the nursery prepared, and she desperately wanted to meet her granddaughter, but still, Diana waited until Saturday morning to ring her son and insist he come for Sunday roast.

Increasingly more used to juggling Lilly, five other things, and opening doors or other feats of fatherhood, Tom didn’t bother to ring the bell, entering his mum’s house as he always had. “Oh, you’re here! Why, you should have buzzed, Thomas. I would have helped,” she began, kissing his cheeks as he leaned down to do the same. “Now let me see that baby of yours.” Tom didn’t have a chance to protest before his mother stole his daughter right out of his arms.

And Lilly began wailing, mounting her own protest.

“Is it time for you to eat, dear? Has Daddy not fed you?” his mum cooed as Tom stood grimacing.

“She shouldn’t be hungry for at least another hour. And no, she’s not tired either,” he answered, predicting her next question while dropping the diaper bag and bouncy seat in the foyer to free his hands completely. “Lilly, sweetheart, shhh.” With his mum still holding his daughter, Tom got close enough for her to look at his face, as she most often did, and let her grasp his finger, her wailing stopping. “Lilly isn’t keen on being away from me, and I think the way you suddenly took her from me startled her.”

Afraid his mum would be angry with him or perhaps prepared to lecture him on spoiling Lilly, Tom dared a glance away from his daughter to find Diana smiling down at him, a wistfulness in her eyes as if she might cry. “I always knew if a time came that you had children, you would be an excellent father, Thomas. You’re loving, gentle, and sensitive, always have been. After we spoke on the phone and you told me about Lilly… and Julianne… I had the utmost faith that you would be everything she needed because you would do your best with what you knew, and what you didn’t know, you would quickly learn.”

Tom swallowed the lump in his throat, averting his gaze back to Lilly. “In the process, I fear I’ve created a monster. Not even two weeks old, and she can’t bear to be parted from me.”

Diana laughed. “My dear, it’s still plenty early to break that habit before it’s too terribly engrained.”

Frowning, Tom shook his head, eyes transfixed on Lilly. “I’m afraid the bigger monster is the dad who can’t bear to be parted from his daughter. I want to maintain this bond as long as possible, Mum. If I only have eight uninterrupted months with her then I want to make the most of every moment.”

“I won’t tell you how to be a parent, Thomas. You make your own decisions, and as long as you’re happy then I’m happy… And if you’re miserable then it’s not by any fault of poor advice on my part.”

As if on cue, Tom awkwardly unsure how to respond to his mum, Emma showed up, popping in the front door excitedly. “Is that my niece? Awww, she’s absolutely adorable, Tommy. Lucky little girl must’ve got all her good looks from her mother. You sure she’s yours? She’s way too cute to be yours.” Tom went rigid then pulled Lilly into his arms and left them standing in the foyer, shocked into absolute silence.

“Emma, you go make amends with your brother right now.” Diana warned. “Under normal circumstances, such teasing would be all in fun and fair play, but that was terribly hurtful, and you know it.”

Properly chastised, the youngest of the Hiddleston children covered her face in embarrassment. “I don’t know what I was thinking, Mum. It just came out, teasing the way we always do. I’m so sorry. You know me better than to—”

“I’m not the one you owe an apology, young lady. Find Thomas, and set this right.” Diana’s stern glare left no room for arguments, and Emma dashed off through the house in search of her only brother.

She should have known he wouldn’t be in the lounge or the kitchen or even his old bedroom. Of course Tom would be in their mother’s library, quietly talking to Lilly about various books on the many shelves, not because she could understand what he said but because he loved the books, and Lilly loved hearing his voice.

But his voice wasn’t its usual clear, deep, soothing tone, didn’t possess the smooth, reassuring confidence she often sought on a bad day, calling just to talk, to hear her big brother simply because he made her feel better. No, Emma heard the tears in his voice, the way he tried to calm himself by getting lost in a library full of books, but was already lost to a pain she’d unleashed in her thoughtless words.

“Tommy…” She hesitated in the doorway, unable to recall the last time she’d done anything to cause discord between them. “I’m sorry. That was horrid of me.”

“Luke suggested I have a paternity test done, saying my career would suffer less without the complications of being a single father, and I shouldn’t be so trusting of everything Julianne said,” Tom responded slowly, back still to his sister. “But she was _here_ in London with _me_ from after Christmas until we parted ways the week following our failed Valentine’s Day… I fucked it all to bloody hell, Em.” Turning to face Emma, his bloodshot eyes and tear-stained cheeks, the way he held onto Lilly as if his life depended on it tore at her heart. “I knew Jules was pregnant… At least I had a feeling that she was… While here, she couldn’t get her birth control prescription refilled because she was allergic to the only ones available, so we agreed to forgo pills and use other methods, except with as long as we’d been together and as serious as we were, _we didn’t_.” He paused, gently stroking his daughter’s cheek with a fingertip, lips trembling. “I wasn’t cautious at all, Em, because Jules was the one. I knew I wanted to marry her and have a family with her, so I didn’t care. When I had a feeling she’d become pregnant, I didn’t ask, and she never told me, and all I could think of was that I’d end up like Dad, wouldn’t be a good enough father or husband, tearing everything apart in the end, so I pushed her away and ran.”

“Fucking hell, Tommy…” His younger sister moved from the doorway to the nearest chair, more than a little shocked by her brother’s confession. “Why didn’t you say anything before? We’ve always talked about everything, no secrets, and you tell me none of this… All this time… Dammit. What is wrong with you?”

“Exactly why I said nothing. _What is wrong with me_? How could I be so heartless? What kind of man am I to have done this to my daughter, Em?” Tears streamed down his face as he looked at Lilly, heart heavy with guilt. “If I’m honest, I have to admit it’s my fault Jules is gone, that Lilly doesn’t have her mother. Had I been man enough to accept this then, Julianne would have stayed in London, would have received medical care here, and delivered our daughter here… If things were different, perhaps the outcome would have been as well. This is all my fault. I did this. Julianne’s gone… dead, because of me… I was so afraid of being like Dad that I did so much worse, unforgivably worse, Em.”

“You don’t know that. You can’t know that. No one can. God, Tommy, you can’t place all the blame on yourself. Look at your daughter, a tiny, helpless baby who needs her father, needs you to keep your shit together.”

Holding Lilly close in one arm, Tom wiped at his face with his free hand, trying to pull himself together. “I do, constantly. I look at her and swear I’ll never do anything to hurt her ever again, that she will always come first in my life. I promise Lilly that no child will ever have a more devoted father or be more loved than her… She deserves it… I’ve done enough harm for a thousand lifetimes already.”


	12. Chapter 12

_“When I didn’t hear from her after a month or so, I convinced myself I was wrong, that if she were pregnant, she wouldn’t have let me off so easily. The months went by with no word, and I went on as if nothing happened… At the premiere, after you called, it brought back the regret and guilt and anger I felt… and brought the chance to redeem myself, yet I was furious she never told me, never tried harder, never made me listen to reason… And that’s how she died, Em. With nothing truly resolved between us, not knowing how deeply I really loved her.”_

After the conversation at their mum’s house, Emma spent nearly every day with her brother that week, worried over his state of mind. But Tom said not one more word on the topic, instead, throwing himself into Lilly’s upcoming first Halloween, deciding though they’d never done much with it as children, he would make every holiday possible a memorable experience for his daughter.

Not convinced Tom was nearly as alright as he appeared on the surface, Emma stuck around, helping with the elaborate outdoor decorations leading to the front door of his house, carving pumpkins into jack-o-lanterns, and assisting with their costumes. He’d already settled on Lilly being a princess and him being a king, going so far as to stop shaving in an effort to regain somewhat of his Henry V look, but there were calls to make to various costume designers Tom knew through his theater work and errands to run to put it all together.

By Saturday night, Lilly had a very pink and less-than-historically-accurate princess dress, a tiny hat with a tiara attached to it completing her ensemble and keeping her warm. Tom, on the other hand, wore authentic garb, golden crown, sword at his side, and leather sheathing his well-built body, with a neatly trimmed beard like a short-haired, blond King Harry.

Emma would never tell her brother this, not dare inflate his ego, but she imagined all the mums walking their children around the neighborhood to collect sweets would think Tom was the treat when he opened the door, looking as he did and holding his newborn princess.

“Well, I’m off. Don’t wanna be late to the party, and I still have to go home and change,” Emma remarked after taking several photos of Tom and Lilly with both her phone and his. “You two have fun handing out sweets tonight.”

“I’m sure we will, Em. If she’s walking next year, we’ll probably trick-or-treat at a few houses. Maybe you’ll stay for the evening then, yeah?”

“Yeah, I will.” She had to admit, despite her worries, knowing his new priorities meant her brother spending more time in London rather than gallivanting all over the world thrilled her to no end.

Once Emma left, Tom double checked the stock of sweets on the table he’d put by the door, flipped on the porch light, and finished feeding Lilly while they waited for the Halloween festivities of children trekking through the neighborhood for sweets to begin.

The first trick-or-treaters at the door seemed too old in Tom’s opinion, a few young adolescents barely bothering with costumes, out looking to score free sweets, but he smiled, dropped one chocolate bar into each bag, and wished them a happy Halloween. However, the next ring of the doorbell didn’t disappoint, and Tom knelt, Lilly still in one arm, bringing him eye level with the two little girls, paying no mind to their wide-eyed mothers standing a few steps behind.

“Look at you, Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty, such darling princesses in my presence surely makes me the most fortunate king across all the kingdoms,” he said, gesturing widely with his free hand.

The girls giggled, Cinderella, clearly the bolder of the two, pointing to the baby. “Is she the princess in your kingdom?”

“Indeed. Princess Lilly Grace is my daughter.” Tom beamed with pride, showing the girls Lilly, watching closely as Cinderella reached out, touching her hand, grinning when Lilly grasped her fingers.

“Careful, Chelsea. Be gentle with little babies,” one of the mums reminded her daughter as she played with Lilly’s hand. “How old is she?”

“Three weeks come Wednesday and keeping me busy round the clock, but I don’t mind.”

Sleeping Beauty finally joined in, touching Lilly’s cheek with one small finger. “Does the queen have a pretty dress too?”

Tom’s smile faltered as he hesitantly determined a reasonable response. “I’m sure the queen does have a pretty dress, but she’s not here. She had to go far, far away to be an angel watching over us.” Blinking away the threatening tears, he plastered on a bright smile. “Now I believe you darlings came to my kingdom in search of sweets.”

After doling out generous amounts of sweets to each of them, Tom stood and watched the girls run down the walkway, Sleeping Beauty’s mum quickly following after, but Cinderella’s mum hung back. “I’m Kim Shelley from four doors down, and that was Karen Aberdeen from that yellow house,” she gestured across the street a few houses away. “We’re part of a neighborhood mums group, all with children too young for school. Everyone gathers together once a week or so, and the children play while the mums talk, share recipes and advice on parenting, and usually drink wine… I don’t know if you’d be interested, and I know we call it a mums group, but it’s really for parents, just there’s never been a dad in the neighborhood who… Well, I don’t even know how you’re going about this, your work schedule, if you’re even home during the day, or…” Getting flustered by the gorgeous man dressed in leather, looking like he came straight out of an erotic romance novel, Kim stopped talking.

“Ehehehe. It’s alright, Kim. I’m Tom, Tom Hiddleston.” He paused, letting that sink in. Many in the neighborhood didn’t know he lived here, in this house specifically, though there were plenty of rumors that he lived in the area, and a few close neighbors knew him relatively well. Mostly, he kept to himself, not drawing attention, and lived a normal life at home. “Until June, I am home during the day, actually, home most of the time. I could definitely use parenting advice, and I love cooking, so I’m open to recipe sharing, and far be it from me to ever turn down wine.”

The way Tom laughed so freely, wide smile, dimples and laugh lines showing, Kim nearly swooned right on his front porch and decided she wouldn’t mention anything to her husband about the newest member of their mums, and now dad too, group. “Great. We usually coordinate whose house we’re meeting at and when through email, if you don’t mind sharing that, I can just add you to the group.”

“Of course, not a problem. I actually set one up for all the parenting sites and newsletters I’ve subscribed to, so you can use that one. Hold on a moment, and I’ll write it down.”

When he returned with a slip of paper, she read it, and a chuckle escaped. “DaddyHiddles. Very cute. I’ll add you to the group email when I get home and send out a welcome email to let everyone know you’re joining us.”

“Great. I look forward to it.”

As Kim left, trick-or-treating really picked up, the peak hours hitting and bringing carloads of children from smaller neighborhoods to the more affluent neighborhoods where the better sweets could typically be found. But seemingly as quick as it began, the holiday festivities ended, Tom closing the door with good-byes to the last children, turning off the front light, and carrying the empty sweets bowls into the kitchen, Lilly starting to fuss with feeding time near.

“What did you think, my princess? Was it fun dressing up and giving out sweets? I liked it… And now we’re part of a neighborhood parents with young children group. It’s all very normal and exactly what we both need right now, the typical home life… Or as normal and typical as this single dad thing can get.” Tom gently kissed Lilly’s nose. “But we’re making it work.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some chapters may seem a little random, but that's part of parenting. There are seemingly random moments and events which stand out to you that others may not see as important. You can also expect various time jumps of different lengths as Tom is getting far more settled into this whole fatherhood thing, other people become part of the normal routine for he and Lilly, and significant events unfold at times. Look forward to more adorableness, humor, and yes... angst. I hope you continue to stick with me, comment, and recommend this story to others. Thanks for reading! <3 -Mel

“I’m just saying not to forget your Twitter audience. Since the ELLE interview and photos went live on their special digital edition, they posted their behind-the-scenes video, we posted the snippet of you singing to Lilly then you sent Instagram into overdrive with all those Halloween posts, you own the internet, Tom. Tumblr bows at your feet, and #LillyHiddles continues to trend across the board. But while you’re active on Instagram, you mustn’t ignore your following on Twitter and still need to promote the work you have out and upcoming.”

Luke was in full PR mode, but Tom was barely listening, too busy doing some last minute cleaning around the house, setting out hor d'oeuvres for the adults as well as healthy snacks and juice boxes for the children, while keeping an ear out for Lilly, who was due to wake from her nap any time now.

“Tom, are you even hearing a word I’m saying?”

“Hm? Sure… Yeah. Yeah,” he replied, distracted as he set eight wine glasses on the kitchen island and perused his wine collection for a few good choices before turning his iPod stereo onto a playlist that made for excellent unobtrusive background music.

“No, you are not,” Luke huffed. “What are you doing?”

“Now’s not really a good time to discuss anything, Luke. I’m expecting guests shortly. Could we do this tomorrow?”

“Guests? At two o’clock on a Wednesday?” His publicist didn’t sound as if he believed that then the doorbell rang. “You’re serious.”

“It’s a parent thing. Gotta go. Call you tomorrow.” Without giving Luke an opportunity to argue, Tom hung up, set his phone to silent, and slipped it in his pocket as he answered the door, a bright smile on his face at the sight of everyone from the mums group. “Welcome to my home. Please, come in.”

The past few weeks of meeting with the neighborhood mums had been enjoyable for Tom, no talk of his work or fame, just every day topics of parenting, cooking, cleaning tips, frank discussions and various conversations he found both interesting and surprising at times given how open the mums were with him as part of the group now. When discussion turned to who would host the next ‘meeting’ last week, Tom felt comfortable offering, inviting all seven mums and nine children in the group to his home.

He couldn’t help but note that in the past weeks, everyone sort of trickled in until the whole group had arrived, but they showed up en mass at his door, making him wonder if there was a bit of nervousness on their side just as on his. It was admittedly a big leap of faith to invite them all into his home, his private sanctuary from the public eye, and they’d already established he was the only celebrity any of them knew, asking that he let them know if any of them said or did something to make him feel awkward or uncomfortable. If anything, the fact none of them treated him like a celebrity made Tom feel less awkward and more comfortable with the group.

“I didn’t have toys for older children since Lilly obviously hasn’t reached that stage quite yet, so I bought a few things for the kids,” he said, gesturing into the lounge where there was easily a small fortune worth of toys for both boys and girls. “Hopefully they’ll find something among what I picked up. I wasn’t quite sure what they’d like.”

“Tom, oh my god,” Kim exclaimed, mouth agape. “You didn’t have to do that. We figured you wouldn’t have anything, so we brought coloring books and such to entertain them.”

“Nonsense. I offered to host, and that means hosting the children as well… Though if they’d like to watch a movie, the only ones I have for such young children are _The Jungle Book_ and _The Pirate Fairy_.”

Four-year-olds Chelsea and Faith immediately started begging for ‘the fairy movie,’ quickly joined by Willow, whose fourth birthday was the next week, and three-year-old Becca. Willow’s mum Beth snickered before asking, “Okay… I can _maybe_ accept without question a grown man having _The Jungle Book_ , but I have to ask what would possess you to buy a Tinkerbell movie.”

Tom looked hurt. “Of course there’s no reason to question why I’d have _The Jungle Book_. It’s my favorite Disney movie. How could I _not_ have it? … And to be fair, I didn’t _buy_ a Tinkerbell movie. Disney gave me some free copies since I voiced one of the characters.”

“Well, now we all need to see this.” Wendy, Becca’s mum, glanced around the house. “First, which way to the food and wine, Tom? And please tell me you’re one of the pirates… one of the pirates who sing.”

Tom said nothing, popping in the DVD for the girls while the toddlers and four-year-old Will, the only boy of the older children, were occupied with the various toys. As soon as the movie began playing, he hopped over the back of the sofa, the quickest route around everyone toward the kitchen, not noticing the eyes on him, how his muscles flexed beneath his fitted tee, the deep appreciation for how well he wore those black jeans.

“Kitchen’s this way, ladies. Follow me.”

“Any time, Tom,” Heidi snickered, right behind him, enjoying the best view of his ‘assets’ as the ladies called Tom’s ass and essentially everything about him when not in his presence.

It was agreed upon after the first group meeting he attended that, though none of them were fangirls, they found him to be the most swoonworthy dad in the neighborhood, knocking David Winston out of the top spot, despite his habit of going for runs shirtless every weekend. David had an ego the size of a double-decker bus and knew women looked at his body when he went running. Tom seemed unaware they looked at him that way or blushed like an awkward schoolboy if he caught any of them eyeing him. And the more they got to know him, the sexier Tom was in their eyes.

Just as Tom finished uncorking the first bottle of wine, and Cecelia made Tom turn bright pink by asking if he had a specific exercise routine to keep his arms so buff, Lilly began crying. “I apologize, my darlings, but I must be a terrible host and ask that you pour your own wine while I tend to my daughter.”

“…so I’m out of ideas. No book. No tickets. Nothing. He always comes out with something amazing, and I thought for once I could outdo him… or at least match his gift.” Tom overheard the tail end of Rose’s frustrations as he returned, Lilly in one arm while he moved about the kitchen preparing her bottle. “After ten years, you’d think for once, I’d come up with something better than a lame pair of cufflinks or some shit.”

“What did I miss? Ten years of what?” Tom asked.

“Michael and I are celebrating our tenth anniversary on Tuesday, and I’m a failure at gift-giving. Every year he gives me something incredible, and I can never think of anything inspired,” Rose explains. “I thought I had it this year but ran short on luck.”

“Hm… What were you looking for?”

“I’ve been searching for a first edition print of _Moby Dick_ since it’s his favorite book, but when that wasn’t panning out, I thought I’d try getting tickets to the premiere of that new movie about the inspiration for the book. Couldn’t get those either.” She sighed, refilling her wine glass. “Tom, this Merlot is amazing. I’ve never seen it at Tesco before. Where’d you get it?”

“That one?” Tom glanced at the bottle and grinned. “I picked it up in Napa Valley.”

“God, don’t tell us we’re drinking some crazy expensive shit you’ve bought in all your world travels when we’re serving you Tesco’s mid-level finest at our places.” Karen stared wide-eyed at her glass. “Seriously, Tom.”

He shrugged casually, watching Lilly as he fed her. “I have a nice collection of good quality wine for when I have guests, and you’re guests in my home. I’m certainly not going to drink all of it by myself… Anyway, when I drink alone, I tend towards whiskey, not wine.” Tom thought of the bottle of Jameson in the cabinet, likely collecting dust with him needing to be clearheaded and sober every night to care for his daughter. Hard liquor tended to make him emotionally vulnerable, and if he opened that door, he knew thoughts of Julianne would leave him a wreck at the bottom of a bottle, something he couldn’t do to Lilly. “So about this anniversary dilemma, Rose,” Tom began, more than ready to change the subject, “I believe I can be of assistance.”

“How could you possibly—”

“Ehehehe… The premiere you’re talking about, it’s the one for _In the Heart of the Sea_.” A wide grin split across Tom’s face. “Chris Hemsworth is in that.”

A chorus of ‘oh my god’ and ‘are you kidding’ along with a few more expletive-filled remarks of stunned disbelief filled the kitchen, realization hitting them all at once as Tom balanced Lilly’s bottle against his chest to continue feeding her and pulled his phone from his pocket. Dialing Chris, Tom put the call on speaker, and set the phone on the island where he and the mums could all hear.

“Bro! Five more days, man. Can’t wait to see you. Elsa just wants to see the baby, but I won’t ignore you, not completely,” Chris started teasing right off, answering after the second ring.

“I see how it is. Never come visit until I have a baby, and _now_ you can’t wait to see me.”

The Aussie laughed. “Mine are growing up too fast. I’m coming to cuddle yours while she’s still tiny. I’m telling you, man. Don’t blink. She’ll be walking and talking and having you chase her ‘round the house in no time.”

Rolling his eyes, Tom grimaced. “Nooo… Don’t say that! Look, I called to ask a favor… About the premiere.”

“Tom, if you wanna come, you sure don’t need me to hook you up…”

“Not for me, for a good friend.” Rose blushed at hearing Tom Hiddleston call her ‘a good friend’ to Chris Hemsworth. “Her husband’s an English Lit professor and quite the Herman Melville fan. She had hoped to get tickets to the premiere as a gift for their tenth anniversary Tuesday, but that didn’t work out.”

“Hey, no problem. What’s the names? Let me write ‘em down, and I’ll set it all up. VIP list, after party, the works.”

Once the phone call had ended, Rose was nearly vibrating with excitement, the other women not much better. “Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Tom, did you just… Oh my god. You just… Bloody hell. Oh my god. Michael is going to just die… Thank you, Tom. I mean it. I can’t thank you enough. This is beyond anything I’d hoped to do for our anniversary.”

Tom’s smile couldn’t have been brighter. “It’s nothing, Rose. Chris is taking care of that. I simply made a phone call.” He was already concocting his own plan for a gift now. A few phone calls and Tom intended to arrange for both Michael and Rose to be made ‘red carpet ready’ by a stylist friend of his.

Faith came running into the kitchen excitedly. “Mummy! Mummy! The pirates are singing!”

Blushing a lovely shade of pink, Tom put Lilly up to his shoulder and headed into the lounge. “You wanted to know what part I voice, ladies... Perhaps we should join the children…” Seven giggling women following, he entered and picked up the remote, rewinding the DVD back a bit to the beginning of ‘The Frigate That Flies’ then moved to stand beside the huge flatscreen television, careful to hold Lilly so he wouldn’t be too loud in her ears, blushing brighter as the mums stood watching, and his part was about to start.

Still, he couldn’t stop grinning and tapping his foot in time with the music, to the point of almost bouncing as the rush of excitement and joy he felt knowing he was part of something these children loved took over.

“Oh, how high we will be,” Tom began singing, much to the amazement of the children, the little girls giddy, and their mums in awe.

The hottest dad in the neighborhood managed to up his sexy factor monumentally. He sang adorable children’s movie songs with glee. And _oh could he sing_. Indeed, there was further proof to support their belief that Lilly Grace Hiddleston was the most fortunate little girl in the world, and it was a heartbreaking fact for women around the world that her father had no intention of changing his ‘single’ status.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so excited to see that What to Expect has over 1000 hits now. I really never expected that for this little plot bunny that bugged me into writing it, but I'm thrilled to know anyone is actually reading this! Currently, I'm a few chapters ahead in writing for this, and the story has taken a turn I hadn't planned. Sometimes characters just get their own ideas about how things should work, and you have to go with it... Thanks for reading, leaving kudos, and for the great comments letting me know what you think as the story progresses.

Since Lilly started sleeping through the night and a more regular schedule of daytime naps developed in the Hiddleston household, Tom discovered using a baby monitor gave him the luxury of using some of that time to accomplish tasks without devoting part of his attention to listening across the house for her cries. One of the first things he did was turn the guest room into a small home gym, nothing fancy, but he had a personal trainer advise him on the best equipment to invest in for the space available, providing a fully functional gym to keep in shape.

It wasn’t that Tom held any particular vanity regarding his body, but he wasn’t ignorant to the fact he didn’t land roles on acting skills alone. His physical appearance played a significant part in making jobs available and ensuring he could provide the best for Lilly.

“Fuck!” An hour on the treadmill, and the stats showed his pace a full forty-eight seconds off from his time nearly two months ago… before he’d slacked off… before fatherhood. Frustrated, he yanked his shirt off, wiping the sweat from his face, storming towards the kitchen for more water, tossing the shirt into the laundry room as he passed.

Halfway through a second water bottle, the doorbell rang, and Tom stalked off to answer it, still grumbling to himself about being out of shape. Pulling the door open, in his foul mood, he’d forgotten he wasn’t wearing a shirt, just a pair of shorts slung low on his hips and his trainers, beads of sweat rolling down his torso. “Hey, what’s up?” he tried to ask casually, not liking others to see his temper if it could be helped.

Beth paused, taking in the sight before her eyes. Those pecs, those abs, that glorious happy trail… Tom certainly never revealed those assets at the mums group meetings. If this was how he answered his door before seven every morning, she’d need more excuses to come over. “Um… An egg. I need an egg, and since you live closest of everyone in the group, I figured I’d check with you first. I’m making Willow’s birthday cake and accidentally dropped one of the eggs, so I need a replacement quickly.”

“Yeah. Sure. Come on in.” Tom stepped aside, welcoming her inside. “Sorry if I seemed a bit short with you,” he said, assuming that’s why she hesitated at the door. “The treadmill and I are at odds. My run didn’t go so well this morning… Seems I’ve a lot of work to do if I intend to get back in shape.” Talking as he leaned into the fridge to retrieve the needed egg, Beth couldn’t see any room for improvement and couldn’t imagine what he was worried about. “Here you go, two eggs. In case you drop another, you’ll have a backup egg.” With a friendly wink, Tom grinned, his fingers lightly brushing her wrist on accident as he handed the eggs over carefully.

“Mhmm… Thank you.” Beth felt surprised she could still speak. The wink, the grin, the touch, added to the visual of Tom’s sweaty, half-naked body sent heat and tingling to places her husband hadn’t touched in months.

“I hate to rush you, darling, but I need to shower before Lilly wakes.”

_Oh god._ The way Tom often called the mums ‘darling’ so sweetly and the image of him in the shower made Beth hurry to the door. “Yep. And I’ve got a cake to bake.” …and stupid things she might do like jump the hot single dad across the street if she didn’t get out of his house immediately.

Fresh out of the shower and in jeans, Tom heard Lilly cooing in the bedroom while he finished styling his hair, deciding it was good enough to do and joining her instead of messing with it further. As was their routine, he quickly peeled her out of her sleeper and changed her diaper then laid on the bed, laying Lilly atop him to give her a bit of ‘belly time’ yet allow them to spend time together. She couldn’t do more than make lots of sounds, but using that version of talking, she kept up with Tom, and he loved conversing with his daughter even more now that she was interactive about it, responding to almost anything he said with her own noises, expressions, and reaching to touch his face. His daughter was every bit like him conversationally, more than capable of holding her end, yet listening with rapt attention when being spoken to.

“Today’s an exciting day, Lilly Grace! Are you excited? Daddy’s friend Chris is in London with his family, and we’re going to see them. Daddy doesn’t have any real brothers, but Chris is very much like a brother, so this is like you meeting more family.” Tom made exaggerated expressions of excitement, laughing at Lilly’s responses and kissing her hands when she reached for his mouth. “Uncle Chris and Aunt Elsa can’t wait to see you, and they have children too, your cousins India Rose, Tristan, and Sasha… When Daddy has to go back to work, we’ll go down where they live in Australia.”

Rolling over, Tom smiled wider and wider, laughing as he tickled her chin with his nose and blew raspberries on her belly, covering her face with kisses as she filled their room with her coos and gurgles, trying to laugh and smile back at him. He would never have thought it possible, but Tom loved Lilly Grace more with each passing day.

“Personally, I think this is the outfit for the day. What do you think?” Tom held up the pink jumper, ‘Daddy’s Girl’ embroidered across the chest and two cream-colored bunnies below the words. With the help of Emma and Tom’s mum, he was relatively sure Lilly owned every item of clothing that existed in Britain referencing a father/daughter bond, not that Tom had a single complaint about it.

Soon, Tom and Lilly were both dressed, Lilly fed, the diaper bag packed, and they were on their way. Neither Chris nor Tom had any qualms about being seen in public with their children, and Tom hadn’t been out much since returning to London with his daughter, so they’d decided to meet at Fire and Stone in Covent Garden, a family-friendly restaurant they could all enjoy.

Debating on simply taking a cab, Tom couldn’t get over his fear that it wasn’t safe enough. No cab could compare to the safety of Lilly Grace in her car seat in the backseat of the Jaguar F-Pace, not in Tom’s mind.

And when he realized all-too late the truck running the intersection’s red light was on an unavoidable collision course with them, Tom could only hope and pray he was right as he let go the steering wheel in a desperate attempt to reach his daughter, his hands his only means to shield and protect her from what was happening.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know there was some upset over the cliffhanger ending to the last chapter given the particular subject matter, and I want to apologize to those sensitive to such a situation and promise this chapter doesn't leave anything unanswered. Thank you for continuing to read and comment. -Mel

“I am asking when my son will be awake, and I expect a straight answer,” Diana stated demandingly to the doctor. “If one more person tells me to ‘just be patient,’ I will show you what I look like when I’m impatient.”

The young doctor looked at the serious woman in front of him, glanced behind him at Tom’s room, and turned back to Diana. “Mrs. Hiddleston, your son has been in a traumatic accident and sustained serious injuries, because of which, he’s heavily sedated. He could awake in the next couple of hours or several hours from now, depending on how his body tolerates and processes sedatives.”

“Lilly!” came the heart-wrenching scream from Tom’s room, followed by the sounds of crashing, cursing, and expletive-filled demands to get him out of there.

“Or now. He could wake up now,” the doctor said sheepishly, following two nurses into the room. “Just wait here, while we get him settled, ma’am.”

Tom had already yanked out his IV, knocking over its pump, and tore off the blood pressure cuff previously on his arm, awkwardly continuing to pull at anything attached to him while one arm was in a cast, clearly determined he would not be on any monitors restraining him to that bed. “Don’t touch me,” he ordered the nurses who tried stopping him. “Where is Lilly? Where is my daughter?” Tom winced as he turned to get out of the hospital bed, unable to stand on his own.

“Mr. Hiddleston, please, calm down. I’m Dr. Carlisle, and if you’d give me a chance, I could try explaining what’s happened, at least, as best as witnesses, first responders, and the police investigators have put together from the scene of the accident.”

Tom leaned back in the bed, saying nothing, staring at the wall rather than looking at the doctor or nurses, tears streaming down his face, recalling the accident, the impact, the horrifying sound of metal on metal and Lilly’s screaming cries, searing pain tearing through him… then an eerie silence before he woke up in this room. He didn’t know if he wanted to hear what happened, if he could bear the outcome.

If Lilly were gone, he’d rather go with her. Losing her would kill everything left of him anyway.

The doctor moved to sit in a chair beside the bed, turning it to face Tom. “I’m sure you’re under a lot of stress and in a great deal of pain, so I’ll try to make this brief… You were found in a rather contorted position, turned with your hands on your daughter, causing you to suffer a fractured right ankle with a few torn ligaments and tendons, three broken ribs on your left side, a compound fracture of the left ulna, requiring our emergency orthopedic surgeon to set it with a rod and screws, and you have several contusions and lacerations of varying significance… As for your daughter, Mr. Hiddleston,” Dr. Carlisle began, Tom closing his eyes, clenching his jaw in an effort not to scream at the pain he felt in his heart, the utter terror of hearing the words he dreaded most. “None of the first responders have seen anything like this before, a parent reacting quite so immediately in such a crisis situation. The percentage of infant fatalities due to head and neck trauma, especially among very young infants with limited muscle strength in their neck is incredibly high. No one working an accident like that expects the child to survive, and they’ve learned to prepare for it. When they found you turned with your hands on her head, the immediate assumption was that you had done so after the crash then passed out from the trauma, but they’ve since discerned that the support you gave during the impact is most likely what prevented her head being jostled in a manner which would have almost inevitably led to fatal injuries, Mr. Hiddleston. Lilly is upstairs in the PICU being monitored, but the neurologists and other doctors who’ve examined her and all her test results believe your actions saved her. You sustained the only reported injuries from the accident. Monitoring Lilly is simply standard procedure… The man who hit you was driving drunk and walked away with barely a scratch.”

He could hardly catch his breath, crying with relief and joy, washing away the fear he’d felt moments before, but still… “I need to see my daughter. I need to be up there with her, and she _needs_ me.”

“Now that you’re awake, if you feel up to it, we can arrange a wheelchair, and someone will take you to the PICU.”

“Of course I bloody well feel up to it,” Tom snapped. “Get me to my daughter _now_.”

“I’d advise you get my son to his daughter before I do lose my patience,” announced Diana, stepping into the room, arms crossed, leveling a glare at the young doctor that left no room for argument.

Mumbling apologies, Dr. Carlisle hurried from the room with promises a wheelchair would be sent in shortly. One nurse left with him, the other staying long enough to pick up the IV pump and dispose of the IV line Tom had pulled free of his arm then departed as well.

“Have you seen her?” He didn’t need to explain for Diana to understand exactly what Tom wanted to know.

“Yes. I went to check on her before I came to see you, knowing your first concern would be Lilly.” His mum sat on the end of the bed, resting a hand gently on his leg, worried over how much pain he may be feeling and refusing to acknowledge. “She’s on a few monitors, tracking brain activity, pulse, and respiration, nothing unusual given the potential injuries with this sort of accident, but she doesn’t show any sign of harm done. However, the nurses said she’d been crying inconsolably since arriving. Emma and I both tried calming her, Emma having the better luck, so she’s still with Lilly, but I’m afraid she won’t be quite alright until you’re with her, Thomas.”

Tom nodded. To be honest, he knew Lilly didn’t take to many people, preferring him over anyone else, but with Emma spending more time around since first meeting her niece, his daughter and sister were building a relationship. It wasn’t such that Tom could leave Em to babysit quite yet, but she could at least hold Lilly if her brother left the room for a short while, once even long enough to shower when he’d missed his window of opportunity two days in a row. There was some relief in knowing his sister was with Lilly while he was stuck waiting to get to her.

“Did you call anyone?”

“Don’t worry. I called Luke. He’s preparing a statement. Emma mentioned you were supposed to see Chris today, so I called him as well and am keeping him updated. He and Elsa are extending their stay a few more days until they’ve had a chance to see you both and are sure you’re alright.” Diana mostly stayed out of her son’s career affairs; however, she was well-informed and had contact information for everyone of importance in case of an emergency like this. “Olly is packing an overnight bag for you and bringing it… The doctor already said it wouldn’t necessarily be required that you be admitted, but I predicted wild horses couldn’t drag you out of here without Lilly.”

He would’ve laughed at how well his mum already knew him as a father when he’d taken longer to see it in himself, but his ribs hurt too badly to laugh about anything. Moving at all made him wince in pain, not that he’d admit it for fear of the doctor stopping him from seeing Lilly in order to treat him further.

Though it took longer than Tom liked, finally reaching the PICU and laying eyes on Lilly gave him a sense of relief no one’s reassurances of her well-being could. Emma handed her over to Tom’s one good arm and helped arrange the various monitor leads to make them comfortable, Lilly still crying, quieter than she had been since arriving, but still crying nonetheless.

“Lilly, sweetheart, Daddy’s here now. Daddy’s got you, baby. It’s okay.” Despite the pain, Tom held her close in his arm and leaned down to kiss her nose, smiling as she quieted further, opened her eyes to see the comforting familiarity of her daddy’s face, and completely relaxed into him before soon falling sound asleep.


	16. Chapter 16

_On Thursday, 3 December, 2015, 34-year-old British actor Tom Hiddleston and his 7-week-old daughter Lilly Grace were involved in a motor vehicle accident, traveling from their home in Hampstead to Covent Garden. A large truck collided with the driver’s side of Hiddleston’s car after its drunken driver (name unreleased) ran a red light, illegally entering the intersection. The actor and his daughter were transported to a nearby hospital for emergency treatment._

_Representatives of Hiddleston released a statement requesting the public “respect Tom’s need for space as he recovers from serious injuries and copes with the terrifying near loss of his child.” This comes less than two months after the unexpected death of Hiddleston’s longtime partner Julianne Keaton, as a result of delivery complications._

_Hiddlestoners remain faithfully supportive, but many question if fate will ever allow their beloved Hiddles peace and happiness in his personal life._

_These events leave us asking, has Loki’s luck run out? Sound off below!_

“Emma, why do you read that trash? You know how much I hate those internet gossip sites, and that’s all it is, some gossip site trying to get hits by discussing my personal life.” Tom set the bottle on the end table beside him on the sofa and moved Lilly to his shoulder, wincing at the pain still in his side. “Daddy needs this to heal, sweetheart. You keep getting bigger, so I need to be stronger… Em, would you please fetch the ice pack.”

She swiped the bottle off the table, looking down at him with concern. “Want some pain meds? You’re well overdue for them.” The stern shake of his head didn’t come as any surprise. “Alright. Suit yourself… One ice pack, coming up.”

“Mum’s expecting us at five?” he asked, loudly calling across the house from the lounge to the kitchen. Lilly lifted her head off his shoulder and patted his face as if telling him to be quiet. Tom kissed her hand, whispering an apology.

“Yes, Tommy. Christmas Eve is always five… not that you’ve always been here,” she added under her breath. But he was here now, and with Lilly in his life, Emma believed her brother when he said family would come first, apologizing for forgetting that over the past few years. “The last of the gifts are wrapped, bags are packed, and car’s loaded. I finished everything while you two were napping.”

Tom bit his lip until he thought it’d bleed as Emma arranged the ice pack against his broken ribs, still weeks from being healed, and wedge a pillow in place to hold it there then checked the pillow under his ankle, propped on the coffee table. “That’s doing fine. Won’t be running on it anytime soon, but I’ve been getting around a bit, putting my weight on it without much pain at all.” He smiled too widely, and his sister knew he was lying about the pain. “I don’t know what I would’ve done without you, Em.”

“You’d have to deal with Mum more than just a couple days a week. That’s what you would’ve done. And as much as we all know you love her, Sarah and I both know you’re her baby boy, her favorite, and she would have driven you absolutely mad.”

He shuddered, rolling his eyes. “You’re right.”

“Oh, and while you were asleep, Beth brought over a peppermint pie and Rose dropped off a tin full of homemade Christmas candies. Pie’s in the fridge. Candy’s on the counter by the cookies from Kim and Karen.” Emma slumped onto the couch beside Tom, a bit tired from the day. “Heidi and Wendy’s casserole dishes are clean, so whenever they drop by again, you can give them back. I also put half of Cecilia’s homemade soup in the freezer. With Christmas, there’s no way you’ll eat it all before it spoils… Seriously though, Tommy, is this really just a parenting support group or some sort of Club Mum, swooning over the hot single dad? I swear at least one of them has been over here with something for you every single day.”

“Don’t be silly. It’s a very supportive parenting group… Okay, and maybe a bit of the latter… But… Hey, stop laughing, and listen to me.” He swatted her leg lightly with his good hand, Lilly excitedly gurgling and carrying on with all their antics. “It’s not like that, Em. Stop acting like such a little prat. They’re all married, and I’m not interested, nor will I be, so stuff it.”

Sobering up and watching her brother seriously as he focused on his daughter, Emma couldn’t drop it. “You say that now, and maybe you really believe it, but one day–”

“No.” Tom took a heavy breath, clenching his jaw to keep from wincing at the pain in his side. “No, Em, there is no ‘one day’ for me. Julianne was it, and with her gone, I’ve committed to raising our daughter alone. Lilly will have my undivided attention, never feel as though she’s competing with another for my love, always knowing she comes first… You do realize I’ll be fifty-three when she begins university, don’t you? I’m not starting over then. Mum does just fine on her own. So will I.”

“God, Tommy, that might possibly be the most depressing thing I’ve ever heard you say.”

“I don’t think it’s depressing at all. I have all the love I need right here in my arms. I’m perfectly happy,” Tom replied, kissing Lilly’s cheeks and grinning as she touched his face, cooing and gurgling in response.

Although Emma smiled at the sight of her brother and niece, her heart still broke for him. “I’m not just talking love, though. What about intimacy? I mean, you’re not _that_ old yet,” she teased.

“That’s what men have hands for, one for a steady relationship and another for a little action on the side.” Tom laughed loudly at the incredulous expression on his sister’s face.

“Oh my god, I can’t believe you just said that. Talk about gross things I never want to hear my brother say… You sick fuck.” Emma jumped off the sofa, squealing and half-running to the kitchen.

“Actually, I’m told I’m an excellent fuck,” Tom yelled toward the kitchen, laughing harder as he heard her cursing him. “And if you don’t want to hear me say these things, don’t be so nosy about my sex life.”

When Emma parked Tom’s new Land Rover Discovery in front of their mum’s house, she noticed Tom didn’t make a move to get out from where he sat beside Lilly’s car seat in the back. “You okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah…” He stared out the window at all the houses decorated for the holiday, so bright and cheery. “I just… What we discussed before… Just don’t mention to Mum that I want to be alone. She’ll worry. Or worse, she’ll try playing matchmaker with her friends’ daughters in some misguided effort to make me happy regardless of my personal feelings on the matter… I suppose what I’m really asking is for you to respect my choice in this, Em.”

“You should know better than to have to ask. I’ll respect it, doesn’t mean I have to like it.” She turned in her seat and reached out to him, squeezing his hand when he took hers. “You’re hurting, Tommy, and I get that, I really do, but it doesn’t have to last forever.”

Inside, the house was abuzz with holiday cheer and the usual insanity of their typical family get togethers. Emma quickly rounded up some assistance in unloading Tom’s car since he still couldn’t get around well, though he stubbornly insisted he could carry Lilly on his own, refusing to acknowledge just how much pain wracked his body.

Lilly clung tightly to her Daddy’s shirt as they entered the lounge, turning this way or that towards the noises and voices of his aunt, uncles, and cousins in her Nana’s house. She’d never heard it in quite such chaos.

“Aunt Mary on a direct route to baby,” Emma whispered as she pulled Tom’s casted arm free of his coat and helped him get Lilly out of her snuggly fleece coveralls. “I hope Mum warned her, not that it’d do any good.”

“Oh, there you are, Tom, finally. I thought you’d never get here with that baby of yours. My sister talks nonstop about that little doll, yet two months go by, and I’m just now seeing her. Shame on you.” Tom stiffened as she approached them and reached for Lilly. “Let Auntie Mary see this little angel.”

Tom held Lilly closer, his daughter still clinging to his shirt with the best death grip a two-month-old could muster. “My apologies, but Lilly Grace needs to acclimate first. There are too many new faces and voices, and a great deal more noise than she’s used to, all quite stressful for her.”

“Nonsense. I’ll introduce her to everyone, and she’ll be fine,” his aunt insisted, infuriating Tom as she put her hands on his child against his wishes.

“I am trying to be polite,” Tom ground out through clenched teeth, Emma watching and waiting for the fireworks. “My daughter does not like strangers, and despite the fact you are family, she does not know you; therefore, to her, you are a stranger. You. All. Are.” His voice had grown increasingly louder as he spoke, silencing everyone with his three final words.

“Thomas, is everything alright?” his mum asked, popping out from the kitchen. One look shared between them told Diana everything she needed to know. “Mary, you best leave Lilly Grace alone. I won’t have you causing my granddaughter to wail like a banshee in my house. As much as I love the little dear, she’s not keen on anyone but her daddy, Aunt Emma, and sometimes me, if she’s in the right mood. So meet Lilly, let her get familiar with you if you like, but what _her_ father says goes unless you’d like to tangle with _his_ mother.”

Exhausted, relieved, and unable to stand on his ankle any longer, Tom took a seat at the end of the sofa, Emma saying she’d get him an ice pack and cup of tea without him needing to ask. Lilly stayed curled against him, head on his shoulder hand gripping his shirt, and he was sure she felt his tension.

“Lilly, my princess, one of these days, someone will ask me if everything is alright, and I’ll be able to honestly say that it is.” He kissed her nose and closed his eyes for a moment, trying to focus solely on her, blocking out the pain and everyone else in the room. “It will be, sweetheart. Everything will be alright for us.”


	17. Chapter 17

Turning thirty-five seemed like it should be a big deal of some sort, but Tom didn’t have any particular plans and didn’t care. It would be a typical Tuesday at home with Lilly like any other. If he decided he wanted to go out later, they might hit his favorite café for a bite then peruse a bookshop for some new reading material.

For now, at not-quite eight in the morning, Tom was more than satisfied to relax in his favorite chair with a cuppa while watching Lilly bat at the toys dangling above her on the activity mat they’d picked up over the weekend. He snapped a quick photo of her smiling, looking at him as he made silly faces while talking to her.

“That’s Instagram-worthy, Lilly.” He had a tendency to think that about every photo of his daughter, but managed to control himself to usually posting no more than one, sometimes two or three photos of her per day.

_That smile. Best birthday gift ever. #LillyHiddles #proudpapa #daddysgirl #happybirthdaytome #babylove_

Setting his phone down, the doorbell rang before he could reach for his tea again. “Who could that be, Lilly? We’re not expecting anyone.” Their typical days included a great deal of relatively one-sided conversations, though she was developing her language skills quite well, just as he’d read that talking to her would encourage.

“Beth? What are you–”

She held up a cake carrier with a smile. “Happy birthday, Tom!”

He shook his head, grinning, and stepped back, gesturing for her to come in. “I told all of you not to make a fuss over my birthday. Really. It’s not necessary… Where’s Willow?”

“At my mum’s in Harrow. I took her Friday, and she’s spending the week,” Beth answered quickly then headed right for Tom’s kitchen. “I hope this satisfies your sweet tooth, mister.”

“I’m sure whatever you baked is delectable, absolutely scrumptious.” Tom moved Lilly from the activity mat to her bouncy seat with the grab and play toy bar on it, ensuring she was safe and entertained before joining his friend in the kitchen. “You’ve never failed to satisfy me, Beth,” he said lightheartedly as he entered, only to find her leaned against the island, face in her hands, clearly crying. “Beth, darling, hey, what’s wrong? Did I say something to upset you?”

“No. No… It’s not you… But apparently I failed to satisfy Robert. He left Thursday night. Been having an affair with his secretary for damn near a year and said he couldn’t live a lie anymore, that he’s in love with her and wanted a divorce. The bastard had papers drawn up and everything. All I had to do was read and sign… Now it’s over. Six years together, over that easily.” Unsure what to say, Tom pulled her into his arms, holding her as she sobbed uncontrollably, running his fingers through her long, honey-colored hair soothingly until she quieted. “Why do men cheat, Tom?”

The question caught him off-guard, striking him silent at first. “I don’t honestly know. I’ve made mistakes in relationships, been the one who caused their failure by my own stupidity, but I’ve never cheated, never felt the slightest desire to do so.”

“Well, I suppose when you have the means to snag the perfect woman, some beautiful, blonde-haired, blue-eyed, leggy supermodel then you’d be satisfied enough not to fuck around on her,” Beth remarked bitterly.

Tom sighed. “I don’t see what makes _that_ the perfect woman. Lilly’s mother had blue eyes, but she also had dark brown hair, was five foot three and an author, definitely not a supermodel. I loved Julianne for her intelligence and sense of humor, her generosity and spontaneity. She didn’t fit your idea of the perfect woman, but I loved her, and even though our careers meant spending a lot of time apart, I was faithful.”

She wiped at her face with the sleeve of her shirt and looked up at Tom. “Yeah, but look at me.”

“Despite whatever it is you think I should see, I look at you and see a beautiful woman whom I’ve learnt has more than enough good qualities to be a truly satisfying partner, Beth.”

Much to his surprise, she threw her arms around his neck and kissed him, though more to his surprise, Tom found his hands on her waist and back, holding her closer, deepening the kiss until she pulled back.

“Oh my god, Tom, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking… You said… and I just… Oh, I’m so embarrassed. Please forgive me. I should go.” Beth was red-faced and teary-eyed, hurrying to put her coat back on before heading to the door.

For a minute, Tom was too stunned by what had just happened to move then pulled himself together and ran after her, blocking her path to the door, and taking hold of her arms with a firm but gentle grip. “Don’t. Don’t apologize, and don’t be embarrassed. There’s nothing to forgive, Beth. You may have kissed me first, but in case you weren’t paying attention, I didn’t exactly hesitate to kiss you back, nor did I hold back. So what are you running from? Do you think I’m upset with you?”

“Come on, Tom. We all act like there’s nothing different between you and the rest of us, but let’s be real. You’re Tom fucking Hiddleston, international movie star and sex symbol.”

Tom frowned. “For the record, my middle name is William. And my sisters would argue the validity of anyone calling me a sex symbol, international or otherwise… And more to the point, I don’t see what any of that has to do with the fact that you kissed me, I liked it, and I kissed you back. Hell, Beth, thoughts of doing far more than kissing you ran through my mind… Does that make you feel less embarrassed? Or do you need me to admit that if my daughter weren’t awake in the next room, I’d possibly be fucking you against my fridge, making you come and scream my name.” Licking his lips, Tom steadied his breath. “Just don’t leave here and never come back, thinking you started something wrong. Because I would have gladly made you finish several times over and left you satisfied in ways Robert hasn’t cared enough to in a long time… if he ever did.”

He stood so close, Beth could feel his breathing, hot and heavy on her skin as he loomed over her, eyes darkened with lust. All the weeks she’d spent gathered with the other mums and Tom, always admiring how handsome he was, she never imagined he’d look at her that way. But he was right. She simply pressed her lips to his on an impulsive whim. Tom pulled her flush against his body and took it further, exploring her mouth with his tongue, leaving her shocked, elated, and confused, afraid he was merely teasing her with what she couldn’t have before demanding she leave his house.

Testing his claim, she put a hand on his chest and leaned in, pleasantly surprised how quickly his hand was cupping her cheek and his lips were on hers. “Beth,” he whispered. “You should know I’m not looking to fall in love or get into a relationship. I want to be up front about that. It’s only fair to you.”

“Neither am I, Tom. Not now. Not for a long time.”

“But we’re both lonely.” He kissed her again, and she nodded. “And we’re good friends… Perhaps we could take care of one another, be there for each other in the ways we both need.”

“I’d like that, Tom.”

“Would you come over for dinner tonight? I have no one to spend my birthday with, and I’d like it if you’d come over. We could order take away and watch a movie. Something simple.”

Beth smiled against his lips. “Instead of take away, how about I cook for you? What do you like?”

Slipping an arm around her, Tom smiled back. “Anything. Just knowing someone other than my mum cared enough to cook for me will make anything wonderful.”

Tom knew this wasn’t what Emma meant in their talk of him having a ‘one day’ in his future, but he hoped she could understand and accept that this was what he could live with, a compromise between her wanting him to move on and his decision to be alone. He’d have to tell her. She was too much a part of his daily life now to keep such a significant change from her. And as close as he was to both Sarah and Emma, Emma was really his best friend and closest confidante of the two, the one who learned everything… eventually, one way or another.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just an FYI, this story will remain "Teen" rated. There may be some 'off-screen' sex, but nothing anyone should get too tore up about. This story really is about Tom as a father, not about romantic relationships, but shit happens that complicates everything in life sometimes... Please trust me.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I blame the direction this chapter took on my sister. Before I started writing, she sent me the song "Cake by the Ocean" by DNCE, which led to a chapter involving Tom dancing and snake hips...

At their Wednesday meeting, after a rather depressing conversation regarding everyone’s lackluster plans for Valentine’s Day, which Tom would be spending with his mum and Emma to celebrate Lilly turning four months old, it was decided the mums needed a night out. The problem was, none of them wanted to leave Tom out since he’d become such an integral part of the group, so he suggested an alternate plan, and that’s how it came about Lilly would spend her first night away from Tom, staying with her Aunt Emma Friday night, the mums in the group making their own arrangements for childcare. Tom, being the only one who lived alone since Robert still came and went as he pleased from Beth’s while moving out, would host their shindig.

For an adults-only party on a Friday night, Tom went all out for the ladies, spending the whole day preparing hor d'oeuvres, including a rich chocolate mousse, hand-dipped chocolate-covered strawberries, and caviar. He laid out wine glasses and champagne flutes, along with bottles of the finest wines from his collection and Moët et Chandon Dom Perignon. Dressed in the blue suit, white shirt, and blue tie he wore to the London premiere of High-Rise, dance music turned up on his iPod stereo, Tom was prepared to treat his friends like the beautiful women they were.

It irked him endlessly to hear the tales of how their husbands took them for granted, forgetting their needs, leaving them too-often feeling ignored. As Beth had pointed out, they may treat Tom as just the dad next door, but the mums were keenly aware of who he was, his status, and the millions of women who fantasized of receiving his attention. And for one night, his frustrated housewife friends would have his attention, certainly nothing inappropriate, but his attention would be theirs.

They were all meeting at Beth’s house then going for their ‘Mum’s Night Out’ from there, only instead of getting cabs to go into the city like was assumed they’d do, they were running across the street to Tom’s house, showing up at his door breathless and excited for the night. Tom answered the door looking drop-dead sexy, holding seven long-stemmed red roses.

“Darlings, welcome, and happy early Valentine’s Day to each of you… Please, allow me.” One-by-one, he took their coats, hanging them on the rack he’d cleared off earlier, presented them with a rose, and kissed them on the cheek, taking a moment to truly look at them with appreciation and compliment them. “Fantastic… Amazing… Gorgeous… Superb… Lovely… Incredible… Beautiful… My darlings, you’re absolutely exquisite tonight.”

“It’s a good thing you don’t look and act like this at the group meetings, Tom,” said Heidi, blushing and fanning her face. “We’d be unable to speak with our jaws on the floor. Seriously. Wow. Just wow, Tom. Photos don’t do you justice dressed like this.”

Tom smirked, brow arched. “Has someone been Googling me? You naughty girl,” he purred low in her ear, feeling her shiver as he slipped past towards the dining room. “Champagne, ladies?”

“Fuck, Tom. Dom Perignon?” Kim exclaimed, spotting the four expensive bottles chilling on the table. “You did not!”

“Indeed, I did. My darlings deserve to be spoiled for one night, treated like queens, but let’s be clear before the night goes any further, ‘Fuck Tom’ is not on the menu and will not be served.” He gave a sly wink to Beth who tried to hide her grin. “I want each of you to know how beautiful and special you are, not to feel cheap or make a mistake you’ll regret.” And with that declaration, Tom popped the cork on the first bottle of champagne, kicking off their hours of free-flowing alcohol, food, and dancing.

He’d carefully arranged a playlist of upbeat dance songs to keep the party hopping and discourage romantic overtures, but with everyone buzzed on champagne and wine, the atmosphere took on a nightclub feel. Dancing happened in close proximity, bodies grinding against one another, Tom remaining sandwiched between two different ladies at any given time. It hadn’t taken long for him to shed his jacket and tie, shirtsleeves rolled up, top few buttons undone.

“Snake hips! Do snake hips, Tom!” Wendy yelled over the music.

“Have you been on YouTube, darling?” he teased, taking her by the hand and pulling her closer, leveling his gaze intensely on her, smirking when she blushed and bit her bottom lip.

She shook her head. “No… Just Alan Carr,” she replied breathlessly.

“Snake hips for you, baby.” Tom’s voice was loud enough to draw everyone’s attention to him.

“Oh, my… There is a god,” Karen breathed, leaning over to Heidi as they stood by the table, refilling their glasses, watching Tom dancing in the lounge with Wendy, Kim, Karen, and Rose, working those dangerously sexy snake hips.

Heidi and Cecelia both shook their heads. “That man is pure deliciously tempting sin.” Cecilia licked her lips. “And I’d ride that train straight to hell any time.”

“Keep dreaming. He’s not the adulterous type.” Beth commented, biting into another juicy strawberry.

“Then what about you, Beth? Robert’s living with his whore girlfriend, paperwork’s filed… It’s all but officially over and another six weeks, it’ll be that too.” Heidi cocked her head. “For all intents and purposes, you’re fair game.”

Beth looked over to see Tom heading their way now, unsure where he stood on whatever they were doing being known by the group, and said nothing, trying to act like she always had with him. She took the last bite of the strawberry instead.

A few feet away, Tom started dancing the rest of his way toward them, eyes on Beth, and she couldn’t stop from smiling at the sexy look in his eyes as he reached her, wrapping an arm around her waist till she was flush against his body, moving with him. Considering the dancing they’d all been doing with him, though none this directly physical, Beth hoped he wasn’t giving away more than he intended. But when he leaned down and kissed her, she knew he’d blown that, not that she could muster a fuck to give while in Tom’s arms, fingers in her hair, lips on hers.

One arm still around her, Tom reached for his champagne glass, topping it off, not noticing or possibly just completely ignoring Karen, Heidi, and Cecelia staring, drop-jawed after what he’d done. “Tom you’re drunk,” Beth said as an excuse for him.

“Nonsense, darling. Relaxed? Very much so. Tipsy? Admittedly, yes. Drunk? Definitely not.” He looked around at everyone then back to Beth. “Wait. You think I have to be drunk in order to be free of embarrassment that we’re involved in some way? Sweetheart, these are our friends, and I trust them not to run off gossiping about my private life. I wouldn’t throw you to the wolves of the public eye and such scrutiny, but I intend to tell Emma, my mum, and my elder sister Sarah… I’ll need to inform my publicist Luke as well in case anything should happen.”

Beth nodded. “I guess I just thought you’d want to… I don’t know.”

“Want to keep you hidden away like some dirty little secret of mine?” Tom frowned, brows furrowed. “I have more respect for you than that. Quite honestly, I’m disappointed you would think I might treat you as carelessly as Robert.” Lowering his mouth to her ear, Tom dropped his voice to a husky whisper. “Stay with me tonight. Your body won’t recall his touch again, and you won’t forget how beautiful you are to me.”

Once Tom closed the door behind the last of the guests, he joined Beth in the dining room where she busied herself picking up the mess left from the party, carrying dishes into the kitchen and putting away the few leftovers that didn’t need to simply be thrown out after sitting out for so long. “Good thing there weren’t more of us. This’ll take long enough to clean up,” she sighed.

Taking the champagne flutes from her and setting them in the sink, Tom turned back to cup her cheeks in his hands, fingertips in her hair, and pressed his lips to Beth’s gently. “This is nothing that can’t wait until tomorrow. I want you now… I _need_ you,” he whispered softly.

Beth swallowed, still nervous despite all Tom’s reassurances. She wasn’t the kind of woman you saw in magazines or on the red carpet. She wasn’t elegant, didn’t have a size two body or perky tits, and she couldn’t imagine what he’d think of her stretch marks. But before she could overthink it, Tom swept her off her feet, into his arms, and it made her feel absolutely giddy. Robert had barely carried her over the threshold when they married, complaining about the ridiculous tradition the entire all of less than one minute it took to do. Carrying Beth from his kitchen to his bedroom, Tom seemed further aroused in anticipation, not the least bit burdened by the effort.

As if he could read her mind, all her worries, he set her down and stepped behind her, holding her roughly by the hips and thrusting his body against hers. “Do you feel that, darling?” She nodded, feeling his impressively hardened cock pressed against her lower back. He roamed his hands over her body from her hips over her stomach, attentive to every inch he could reach, palming her breasts, running fingers along her collarbone, touching her sensually, still clothed before reaching the top of the back of her dress, slowly unzipping it, sliding the sleeves off her arms, and pushing it to the floor. “Trust me when I say I don’t want anyone else this way. Trust me, and open yourself to what I’m willing and able to give you, Beth. Let me pleasure you like no one has before.”

She turned to face him and began unbuttoning his shirt, a silent acceptance of his offer. In the back of her mind, Beth knew there were no guarantees he wouldn’t ultimately reject her for disappointing him, but men like Tom don’t proposition you every day. By hell, she wasn’t going to miss the chance to be with him… even if it only happened once.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should have added this manip pic of Beth and Tom at the end of the last chapter, but I didn't think to create it until this morning, so you get it here at the beginning of this one instead.
> 
> It seems like comments on the story are dwindling away as things progress, and I'm not sure if I'm losing readers or what the deal is with that, but if there's less interest in this than there once was, I'll change to posting less often instead of daily Monday through Friday. I'm juggling multiple stories and doing other things, so I keep up this current pace in great part because of reader interest. If you're still out there and reading, signs of life are greatly appreciated.
> 
> Also, if you haven't already seen it and are interested in reading a romance Tom fic I'm writing, please check out "Hours to Infinities" when you get a chance. :-)

 

Emma parked Tom’s Land Rover in front of the garage, shaking her head. “Your daddy’s so silly, Lilly. Aunt Emma’s car is perfectly fine. He’s just a silly goose.” But in truth, she couldn’t blame him after the accident for being so overprotective of Lilly’s safety in a car, studying crash test ratings before coming to terms with Jaguar that he would drive a Jaguar Land Rover Discovery or end his contract with the company. Under no circumstances would he compromise his daughter’s life for the sake of product placement.

“You ready to be home, pumpkin?” Lilly smiled and laughed at her aunt while Emma retrieved her from the car seat and slung her bag over her shoulder, thankful she was just the aunt and didn’t have to tote a baby and all her necessary accessories on a regular basis. Assuming Tom likely had a late night with his friends and was having a lie in, she didn’t bother with the doorbell, entering the keyless doorlock’s passcode to let herself into her brother’s house.

As soon as she entered, she had second thoughts about her decision not to call first…

“Oh, god… don’t stop.” That was definitely a woman’s voice, and it was definitely coming from her brother’s bedroom.

A deep, primal, near-growl followed, and Emma’s eyes widened. “Ah, fuck… Fuck, yes, darling. That’s it,” Tom encouraged, voice straining with desire. “Ahhh, that’s it… Fucking come on my cock, baby. Come for me!” he commanded, and the way the woman screamed out, clearly in ecstasy, Emma could only guess his lover must’ve done exactly as Tom ordered, but she could have gone her entire life without hearing the explicit and carnal release of her brother that followed.

“Bloody hell, I’m gonna be sick, Lilly, and you’re definitely too young to have heard any of that. In fact, you should never hear your daddy like that… It’s just disgusting. He’s… Ew gross… My brother… Ewwww… I need to bleach out my ears.”

Trying to block the memory of the sounds from her head, which was not working, Emma got Lilly out of her fleece winter coveralls, shed her own coat, and put Lilly in the bouncy seat to play while she busied herself cleaning up the mess she saw was still out, hoping the distraction would help. It didn’t. The mortifying sounds of her brother fucking somebody, _loudly_ , were quite possibly permanently burned into her brain, traumatizing her for life.

Emma heard footsteps in the hall, most definitely Tom’s, and focused intently on scraping food that had been left out into the rubbish bin, not turning around when she heard him enter, messing with the coffeepot.

“Hey. Good morning. When’d you get here?” he asked casually, as if it were any typical morning, nothing unusual about a hard fuck to start the day.

She rolled her eyes at the thought, a bit nauseated by the idea. The whole family knew his only relationships had been Susannah and Julianne, but now she wondered if her brother was perfectly comfortable with casual sex, one-night stands, if he wasn’t the man she’d admired and respected all these years.

“Not long ago… A few minutes or so,” she lied.

Moving to put the dish into the sink, she ran right into a wall of Tom. He wore a faded blue tee, black sweats, and smelt distinctly of sex and very… masculine… not like her stupid brother, the source of her lifelong torment, receiver of her worst teasing, and her best friend by blood. Emma’s cheeks burned, and she tried to side step him to no avail.

“Your face says otherwise, Em. I’d daresay you’ve been here longer, too long for your liking given that lovely shade of red, my dearest sister.” He smirked, and she wanted to slap it off his face but was too mortified to move. “I’ll venture a guess you entered my house without my knowledge or permission and overheard things that are none of your business… Although, I do recall you being quite keen on making such matters your business, so you should be happy to know my lack of intimacy is no longer lacking.”

“Ugh, I think I just threw up a little in my mouth, Tommy… I really don’t wanna hear about your random conquests. Okay? One-night stands and casual fucks weren’t what I meant, and you know it.”

Tom took a step back, staring at his sister, and she dared a look, seeing the hurt in his eyes. “W-what the fuck, Emma? All these years, everything we’ve shared, and _that’s_ what you think of me? I’m just womanizing manwhore, fuck ‘em and leave ‘em type in your eyes?” His sister watched the hurt swell and burst, fueling the unpredictable Hiddleston temper he hated. God, she wanted a redo, to never have said such an awful thing to him. “Well, fuck you, Emma. I wanted you to meet her, but now I can’t even stand to fucking look at you… Fucking fuck you, and get the fuck out of my bloody house.”

His voice trembled, tears flowing as he said it, each word cutting him as deeply as it cut Emma, but they both knew, for now, he meant every word. She couldn’t take back what she said, and he couldn’t unfeel how much it hurt him. They’d reached an impasse only time could resolve, not the first between the siblings, though perhaps the most painful.

Upon hearing the front door close behind her, Tom crumpled to the floor, sagging against the cabinets, sobbing regretfully. Legs folded in close to rest his head on his knees, he made himself as small as possible, his whole body shaking as he cried. This was how Beth found him, leaving her unsure the best way to approach him or if she should at all, not knowing if perhaps it was her fault he was like this. She’d been showering and missed the explosive conversation.

“Tom?” Hesitant, she remained in the doorway.

Wiping at his face, he half looked at her, not quite meeting her eyes. “I’m sorry, so sorry, Beth. Truly I apologize… But I’m not up for talking at the moment.”

“Did I–”

“God, no!” Tom shook his head, clenching his jaw. “Fucking hell, Beth, just stop it!” he roared, slamming his fist against the cabinet. “You aren’t an embarrassment to me, and you aren’t what’s wrong with my life, so stop fucking passing judgement on yourself where I’m bloody well not.” Taking a few deep breaths to calm down, tone gentler, more the Tom she knew. “This isn’t about you, Beth. You’re absolutely perfect, and a tosser like Robert shouldn’t convince you otherwise.”

Beth nodded slowly. “Mhmm… Okay.”

“Honest, it’s not you… Emma and I got into a huge row, said horrible things to one another… Worse than we ever have before.”

He was so sullen, and Beth couldn’t imagine how he felt, being an only child herself. Robert had three sisters, but they rarely spoke aside from family gatherings at the holidays. Tom’s relationship with Emma was beyond puzzling to her.

“All siblings fight, don’t they? Even as adults, I suppose,” she offered with a half-hearted smile. “I’m sure it’ll all work out just fine.”

Hanging his head morosely, Tom seemed unconvinced. “Emma’s more than just a sibling, more than my sister. She’s my best friend, the person I’ve always been able to trust… And now…” Silence filled the room, dark and weighted by his misery. “Please just go… I need to spend time with Lilly and time to think… I’ll call you.”

It wasn’t exactly how Beth had hoped things would end after their night and morning together, but all she could do was nod, mumbling that it was fine. Maybe he’d call, maybe he wouldn’t. Perhaps a one-nighter was all she’d ever get, but she couldn’t complain. Tom had been true to his word. His touch, his taste, his scent, everything about him remained etched in her memory as if her body knew nothing else. He’d been slow and tender, passionate and dominant, rough and carnal, and pleasured her beyond her wildest fantasies.

Closing the front door behind her, Beth refused to be embarrassed and held her head high. She’d never felt sexier in her life. Robert could have his little whore secretary. Good riddance to him. After spending much of the night and all morning being gloriously fucked by Tom Hiddleston, Beth couldn’t bring herself to care anymore.


	20. Chapter 20

_“Lilly and I aren’t feeling terribly well. I’m afraid we won’t make it over today.”_

With a simple lie to his mum, Tom avoided plans for Sunday, Valentine’s Day, and a small dinner to celebrate Lilly turning four months. She might not have been suspicious had Emma not phoned barely fifteen minutes earlier with a similar tale, excusing herself from attending as well. Diana said nothing of her mother’s intuition to her son, but she had the distinct sense her two younger children were avoiding each other.

Regardless of the mess of his relationship with Emma and the questions he now felt haunting him in every thought of carrying on anything with Beth, Tom determined Sunday was about his daughter, no one else. No matter what he decided about Beth, Lilly would always be his favorite Valentine, and today marked one-third of her first year behind them quicker than he imagined it could pass.

“Oh, look at this, Lilly!” Tom said in an exaggeratedly excited voice, tickling his little girl’s belly as they sat on the lounge floor, him cross-legged with her seated in his lap, using his legs and stomach to keep herself sitting upright. “What did Daddy get you, sweetheart?” She couldn’t unwrap anything yet, but he’d carefully wrapped gifts for Lilly and unwrapped them for her, enjoying how excitedly noisy she got, a laugh escaping here and there, making him smile so big it hurt… Hurt to love anyone as much as he loved Lilly. Hurt to experience every part of his daughter growing without Julianne. Hurt to know how close he came to losing her as well. Hurt to think of the day Lilly would one day leave and no longer need him.

Revealing the pink, heart-shaped rattle stating ‘Daddy’s Girl’ in a darker pink script, he handed it to her, unsurprised it went straight in her mouth… just like everything she got a hold of now. That included his fingers, shirts, jacket collars, nothing was safe from Lilly exploring the world around her via her mouth, while drooling and teething.

Tom had kept his gifts Valentine-themed and didn’t go overboard this time; the rattle, a pink teddy bear with heart-shaped nose and paws, a jumper embroidered with ‘Daddy Loves Me’ and pink and red hearts, a set of three pink bottles decorated in various heart patterns, and a pink, microfleece blanket that had satin trim and ‘Daddy’s Valentine’ custom embroidered on one corner.

Still, the mums in the group had previously pointed out that most parents didn’t celebrate every month of their children’s first year with gifts the way Tom did.

He bit his tongue and said nothing at the time, not wanting to offend anyone. But he disagreed with anyone telling him what he should or shouldn’t do for Lilly. For one, he wasn’t most parents, more than capable of affording whatever luxuries he wished to give her and the intelligence to decide what those would be. Besides, they all spoke of ‘children’ as if Tom would have a lot to live up to once setting precedence with Lilly.

They didn’t understand. No one seemed to understand. His mum could sometimes be the worst of them, seeing Lilly as the first of her grandchildren he would father… But Tom knew that would never be true.

His phone rang, pulling him out of his own head again, a place he found himself often of late. Luke. Tom sighed and answered. “What?”

“Hello to you too, Tom. Did you get my email? I haven’t received a reply, and this is important.”

“No, I didn’t” He pulled a piece of wrapping paper out of Lilly’s reach. “You do realize it’s Valentine’s Day, don’t you? I’m spending the day with my daughter, not doing anything work-related, Luke. You have thirty seconds then I’m hanging up and turning off my phone.”

“Contractually required promotional appearances. The Night Manager’s premiere at the Berlin Film Festival Thursday,” Luke said quickly. “Ring any bells?”

“Fuck,” Tom breathed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Nice language in front of your daughter. I can hear her right there… Anyway, the point of my call… Hotel’s already booked. The network kindly allotted you a two-bedroom suite, assuming you’d have a nanny or someone assisting you with Lilly. I need to know details to arrange flights. We’ll leave sometime Tuesday, the evening if you prefer, and get settled in. Wednesday will basically run as a press junket for the cast, a few low-key photo shoots, Thursday being the actual red carpet event. Then we’ll return Friday morning. I’m emailing you the full itinerary of events right now and CCing Olly.” He finally took a breath. “Is this going to be a problem, Tom?”

“Um…” He didn’t know how to tell Luke it could be a very big problem. Asking Emma to come with was out of the question given their falling out, and asking his mum would only bring about too many questions regarding why he didn’t ask Emma. And Beth… Tom closed his eyes and shook his head. Beth, Willow… Robert… Emma… That led to more complications than assistance. “Let me make a few calls then call you back. It shouldn’t take long.”

Luke wasn’t thrilled with how hesitant Tom sounded, but agreeing to wait on hearing back from his client was the best he could hope for unfortunately.

He either had to get creative or risk harming his relationship with the BBC, which didn’t seem like a wise move with a long future ahead and a daughter to raise alone. First, he sent a quick text _‘Mind if I call?’_ instead of disturbing his friend as Luke had him.

His phone ringing in his hand less than a minute later nearly made him jump off the floor. “Hey there. You startled me, calling like that.”

“It was just as easy to call you straight away than to text a reply and wait for your call,” Hugh laughed, and Tom relaxed. They’d become fast friends while filming The Night Manager, and Hugh was an experienced father, someone Tom trusted he could turn to for advice.

“I appreciate it, but I’ll keep this short. I’ve promised Luke I’d call back as quickly as possible.”

“What’s going on? Everything alright with Lilly?” He sounded genuinely worried, and that was a great deal why Tom knew Hugh was someone he could call.

“I need to make arrangements for someone to care for Lilly Wednesday and Thursday, but the one person I could leave her in the hotel with when I need to be out isn’t… available at the moment. If I have her there on site with someone, keeping her near me, but letting us, hopefully, do what we need to do, I just want to know if you’ll stand resolutely on my side should anyone take issue with the necessity of my doing so.”

“Tom, you’re a father, making that little girl first and foremost in your life, more so because you’re a single father. Raising Lilly is the most important thing you’ll ever do, and I guarantee if anyone harasses you about having her there, I won’t be the only one standing on your side.” Hugh’s fatherly tone and forthright determination left Tom wishing his dad ever showed such support, that James Hiddleston were anything like Hugh Laurie as a father. Perhaps this wouldn’t be where he was in his life were that the case.

They chatted a few more minutes, Hugh ‘talking’ with Lilly on the phone until she tried to eat Tom’s iPhone then said their good-byes until Tuesday night.

The next call would definitely be trickier… and possibly not as promising in results. “Olly, how are you?” His personal assistant’s hesitancy in responding concerned him. “No… I don’t need anything at the moment… You get on quite well with Lilly, wouldn’t you say? And you’ve always said if there was anything I needed, just to let you know, right?” Tom feared he was grasping for straws with this, but he didn’t know what else to do. “I need you to tend to Lilly during the film festival this week, just keeping her occupied in the baby carrier and remaining as near to me as possible while staying out of the way… I know it’s asking a lot, and I know you may feel ridiculous wearing a baby strapped to your chest for much of two days, but I’ll double your salary during the festival and give you a significant bonus for the rest of the baby-related assistance you’ve been providing of late… You will? You really don’t mind? Oh… Well, the salary arrangements still stand. It’s more than I should ask of you, and you deserve appropriate compensation… Alright then… I’ll see you Tuesday?”

“Lilly, Daddy has very good friends.” Tom leaned back against the sofa, rubbing her belly as she lay on his stomach. “But I miss your Aunt Emma.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you, like me, have children, I'm sure you remember the days of drooling, teething, and EVERYTHING going in their mouths. I couldn't get the idea out of my head of Tom dealing with Lilly grabbing at his designer Ralph Lauren sweaters, expensive iPhone, etc and gumming them, leaving baby drool everywhere. These are the realities of parenting that I just NEEDED to have play out in his life because you don't necessarily find them funny when it's happening to you, but it's HILARIOUS when happening to someone else.
> 
> This brings me to a question I'd love to hear back from you on... What early childhood experiences would you most want to see Tom suffer through or get to enjoy? This isn't a promise they'd be written in, but I'm curious. I have three children, ages 12-20 (and a 2 month old granddaughter), so I have lots of ideas from my experiences but would love to know what coincides with reader hopes and expectations.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update today. I've had things going on. Just an FYI, I'm on deadline for line edits on my latest novel with my publisher, so updates may have a mild break. Line edits aren't honestly that difficult to deal with, but still, I thought I should warn you all because I have to meet a publication deadline as a priority. However, my deadline is March 31st, so even worst case scenario, if it took the entire time (which it shouldn't), I'd be back at it then.
> 
> As an actual chapter-related note, I got really hooked on listening to "Ashes of Eden" by Breaking Benjamin while writing this chapter. I felt as though it connected well with Tom's frame of mind and emotional state at this point. Between his fall out with Emma, the awkward way he's left things with Beth, and his long-unresolved daddy issues, I'm feeling a bit guilty for the vulnerability I've caused him emotionally. Hopefully you all enjoy this chapter though. Tom needed it.

Taking Lilly on a commercial flight made Tom more than a tad uncomfortable, worrying over the multitude of unknown illnesses an entire plane full of passengers would expose her to, but Hugh arranged for them to be on the same flight, offering much-needed support and a buffer to the pressures of Luke trying to do his job.

However, the greatest relief to Tom’s stress was Lilly’s reaction to his friend. “Well, hello there, princess. Absolutely precious. Just look at that little nose… Boop,” he grinned, tapping a fingertip to her nose, laughing with her as she laughed, smiling, and reaching for his finger. “You want this.” Hugh let Lilly have his finger, completely nonplussed by her immediately pulling it into her mouth, gumming it, and drooling everywhere. “Her gums are swollen on the bottom. Definitely teething. Look forward to some misery when those really start surfacing. I never found teething to be a very pleasant experience.” Tom cringed. While everything else had been falling down around them, at least Lilly hadn’t been a difficulty in his life lately. “Do you mind if I hold her… assuming she doesn’t mind?”

Much to Tom’s surprise, his daughter didn’t balk at Hugh taking her from him, chatting with her the same way Tom did, clearly at ease with a baby in his arms. “It seems she likes her Uncle Hugh,” Tom remarked jokingly.

“Uncle Hugh?” He laughed, not minding Lilly grasping his shirt collar and leaving her mark on it. “I’m old enough to be her grandfather.”

Although the comment had been lighthearted enough, a pang of heartache hit Tom, watching the two of them together. “My dad hasn’t seen her yet.”

“His granddaughter, his only son’s only child, and he hasn’t managed to find time in the last four months to see her?” As gentle and playful as he was with Lilly, the thinly veiled anger in his tone couldn’t be missed. “I don’t understand how you do that. I mean, I’m not a grandfather yet, so maybe I’m completely blind to something only a grandparent could understand, but I don’t think I am.” Hugh was putty in Lilly’s hands, kissing her little hands as she reached up to pat at his mouth. “I may just have to claim you a my own, Lilly. Instead of Uncle Hugh, would I be a good Pops?” he asked, eyeing Tom when laying open the possibility.

“From what I see, Lilly Grace thinks you’re quite fantastic… Certainly fantastic enough to be Pops.” Tom couldn’t contain his enthusiastic grin at the turn of events. All his closer friends saw themselves as some measure of uncle or aunt to Lilly. She was overrun with them. But his father seemed to disappear when the opportunity to be his daughter’s grandfather arose, leaving an absence in her life she didn’t recognize, but Tom was all-too keenly aware existed.

The flight itself went relatively smoothly, though Lilly didn’t sleep at all as Tom had hoped. Hugh had a seat across the aisle from Tom and Lilly and jumped right in to hold and entertain her when she got a bit fussy in her daddy’s arms after a while.

Once in Berlin, Luke attempted to stand his ground, which rarely worked with Tom, but he felt it necessary to at least make the effort. “It’s the middle of a film festival, and you think no fans will notice you at a restaurant. Add Hugh, and anyone excited about The Night Manager sees prime targets. But then you want to take Lilly out with you? I just…” He didn’t even know why he argued. Tom was Tom and would do what Tom wanted to do.

He thought they were fine. Hugh and Tom both did. No one stopped them as they entered the restaurant. They’d eaten in peace. With the film festival, there was certainly no shortage of celebrities in the city to keep people occupied.

“Mr. Laurie, Mr. Hiddleston, we believe your presence has garnered some attention. There’s a significant gathering out front. Would you like me to call a car for you?” asked the restaurant manager who’d introduced himself earlier and welcomed them to the establishment.

The men exchanged a tense glance across the table, both looking to Lilly with concern. “Yes, please, Mr. Lehmann,” Hugh replied.

“Fans seeing her doesn’t worry me.” Preparing Lilly to go back into the carrier where she’d be snuggled safely against his chest, Tom reminded himself of this and tried not to worry. “They all love her. Luke says no one’s been anything less than positive toward Lilly.”

“I know. I follow your Instagram.”

Tom’s head shot up. “You what? I didn’t know you were on Instagram.”

Hugh shrugged. “It’s an incognito account I started when you joined to post baby pictures. I don’t post anything, just follow you to see Lilly. You’ve had your hands full, quite a lot going on, so I didn’t want to add more stress. Mine may be grown, but I haven’t forgotten how hard it is when they’re that young, the sleepless nights and days when the last thing you want is to deal with entertaining guests… But I wanted to see her, try not to miss anything. It goes by fast.”

Struck speechless, Tom finished getting Lilly Grace settled into the carrier, a lump in his throat, making every effort to keep his emotions in check. He couldn’t find the words to express that his admiration for Hugh wasn’t merely as a friend but as a father figure, and learning the interest he took in Lilly from the beginning, seeing how easily Hugh hit it off with his daughter who would have nothing to do with anyone she didn’t know tremendously well, having him say he wanted to be a grandfather to Tom’s little girl served to further raise Hugh in Tom’s esteem.

“Are you ready? Lehmann’s heading over again. Car’s probably here.” Tom nodded as he grabbed the diaper bag, not trusting his voice. “Hand that over. I’ll get it… And chill… Hey. Tom. Look at me, Tom. You’re not in this alone. I told you I’m on your side, and I mean that literally as well. We’re not letting anything happen to Lilly.”

The car called for them arrived with a driver and one burly personal security guard. Hugh insisted he’d go out first, directing Tom to stay close behind him, Lilly remaining shielded between them, the security guard following to watch Tom’s back. What had begun as a few fans and photographers gathered out front had quickly grown once word spread regarding exactly who was inside the establishment.

“Damn Twitter,” Hugh grumbled. “One hundred forty characters with the proper hashtags, and everyone with a smartphone knows where to find us.”

Tom tried to appear natural, smiling at fans, one arm around Lilly, holding his jacket mostly closed over her in the carrier, while waving, but she quickly began crying, and he was sure she sensed his tension. He quit waving to rub Lilly’s back, holding his arm around her reassuringly as a group of young fans grew louder, begging him to come over, wanting autographs and selfies with him.

“As much as I’m sure he’d love to another time, Tom’s being a dad, not a celebrity. Lilly’s ready for bed, so we’ve gotta go. Sorry, guys,” Hugh dismissed them all with a shrug, taking Tom by the shoulder and gently pushing him into the car first. “Don’t feel guilty,” He said the moment the door shut behind them. “When you weren’t a dad, sure you could stop and do that shit whenever you felt like it, but your life has changed… So have you. There’s nothing wrong with that, nothing wrong with being who _you_ need to be, who life has led _you_ to become.” The older man offered in hope it helped. “We grow up. We get older. We evolve. Stagnancy in life is a far worse suffering than death.”

He knew when he called Hugh, it would be a good thing, getting advice and support from an experienced father, but Tom hadn’t expected that so much would come from a seemingly simple phone call between friends. “Thank you… I’ve had people tell me what I should do, how I should do this, how this should affect me…” He’d relaxed as Lilly calmed in the car, away from the intense noise and stress, both of them at ease with Hugh. “I needed to hear that. I needed to know it’s okay, I’m okay, being affected the way I am, differently than what others expect of me.”

“Your life. Your daughter. Your feelings. I’m not about to tell you it’s wrong… But I will say you’re not allowed to be angry when Pops steals her away to hold her and play,” he added with a wink and a grin.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I had said in my notes on the last chapter, I'm on deadline, so posting will not necessarily be on its regular schedule. This is a short chapter, but I hope you feel happy and satisfied with it by the end. Comments are greatly appreciated! <3 -Mel

Berlin hadn’t been the nightmare of juggling being a father and an actor as Tom had feared. Luke pulled through better than he’d given the impression he would at first, keeping everything moving on time, ensuring breaks between interviews for Tom to spend feeding Lilly and reassuring her he was nearby. General ‘nanny duties’ were filled by Olly without complaint, the personal assistant seeming to have a bit of fun doing something different for a change, and certainly didn’t mind the female attention that caring for a baby earned him. But in the moments of stress, when the pressures of what he was really doing hit Tom the hardest, Hugh was there, offering encouragement and words of wisdom in the easy conversation of good company, Lilly’s ‘Pops’ making silly faces and getting on the floor to play at her level much to Tom’s amusement.

Lilly developed a family from the friendship they’d forged, a connection Tom needed… Still, while he’d pushed the anger of his father’s emotional distance further and further into the recesses of his mind with Hugh’s presence, Tom became more aware of the bridge he’d left burning between he and Emma, and couldn’t help worrying whether or not it was strong enough to withstand the damage done.

And so the day after they’d returned from Berlin, Tom stood outside Emma’s flat, waiting for her to answer the door, Lilly in one arm and a large bouquet of flowers in the other. She opened the door slowly, eyes downcast, the regret of every word she said no less than the moment she saw the hurt written on her brother’s face.

“Em…” The awkward silence wasn’t helping anything, so he moved closer, offering the flowers.

Violet hyacinths. Emma burst into tears, dragging Tom in, and closing the door behind them. “Tommy, you shouldn’t be the one apologizing. I said such horrible things. You had every bloody reason to be furious.”

“No, Em.” He leaned down, kissing the top of her head. “I’ve hardly been around the last few years, haven’t kept in touch the way I should’ve…. Then everything with Julianne, with Lilly, admitting I knew damn well she was pregnant when I broke it off… I’ve not exactly given great affirmation I’m the same person I was before, and to be honest, I’m not.” More insistently this time, he held the bouquet to his sister. “Just let me apologize. Let me be sorry for disappearing and shutting you out for so long, I gave you reason to doubt me.”

“Okay.” Emma gave a small nod and smile, not wanting to cause any further argument between them. “But you take the flowers, and I’ll take Lilly. Go put those in water. You know where to find a vase.”

Relieved, Tom handed his daughter over to her aunt. “I can do that.”

Emma eyed the flowers fondly, recalling the various spats they’d had over the years and the bouquets of violet hyacinths that accompanied her brother’s apologies for the past seventeen years, though the first would always be most memorable. Tom spent a weekend home whilst at uni, and they’d gotten into quite a row, him yelling and calling her an obnoxious little prat, only to learn from their mum later that his baby sister was distraught over having her first period. He went directly to the local flower shop the next morning, asking which flowers were the best to give in apology, and after the florist explained violet hyacinths were symbolic of asking forgiveness, Tom bought the first of many bouquets he’d hand-deliver with a sincere apology as the years passed.

In a way, it made her feel far worse to have said the wretched things she did about him, to think the same brother who could be so caring and understanding at age eighteen when she was an emotional wreck of a thirteen-year-old girl could possibly have grown into the womanizing cad she made him out to be in her flippant accusations.

“I got something for Lilly… still in my room,” she said, changing the topic rather than drive herself further to tears. “Would’ve brought it Sunday last, but I’m sure Mum told you I wasn’t feeling well, not quite up to a big dinner.”

“You didn’t!” Tom’s face was a picture of horror as he reentered the lounge, placing the vase of flowers on the coffee table. “I called and told her the same thing. Can’t believe she didn’t say a word. You know she caught on those lies quick. Mum’s too swift to miss that.”

“Yeah, well, wouldn’t be the first time she left us to sort ourselves. Won’t be the last, I’m sure.” They exchanged a knowing glance before he headed down the hall toward Emma’s bedroom. “It’s in a gift bag by the door. There’s something for you too.”

Tom returned with a pink, floral gift bag in one hand and a box wrapped in shiny, blue paper for him. He found himself at a total loss for what it could possibly be, roughly the size of a shirt box, only square, not rectangular, and heavy like a book. “Is there a particular order to opening them?” he asked as he took a seat on the sofa beside Emma and Lilly.

Turning Lilly to watch her daddy with the gifts, Emma shrugged. “Not really, but go ahead and open hers first.”

After more tissue paper than was honestly necessary, Tom pulled out a beautiful, blue, baby dress, the first clothing item of Lilly’s that wasn’t pink, red, white, cream, or generally the girliest of girlie baby clothes anyone could find. It coordinated perfectly with Tom’s own wardrobe preferences.

“Lilly has your eyes… I thought it’d be nice if she matched you a bit more. There’s nothing wrong with your daughter wearing blue and looking like you.” Emma ran her fingers through her niece’s fine hair. “I see so much of you in her, Tommy… Your smile and laugh, even those curls of yours are starting to show as her hair’s getting longer… Open your gift now.”

Tom set the dress aside and read the small tag on his present before tearing into the wrapping paper. _To Tommy With Love, Em._ Square and leather bound, it appeared to be a scrapbook of some sort, and he gave his sister a curious look then opened it, revealing page after page of the photographs he’d posted on Instagram, printed on high-quality paper, carefully arranged in order with dates and comments below each one. There were additional photos taken by Emma and ones he knew she must’ve gotten from Luke and Marianne, placed wherever they belonged in the timeline of events, some that Tom had seen, some he hadn’t.

Along with the official birth announcement their mum had printed in The Times, the scrapbook held a beautifully crafted record of Lilly’s first four months of life, leaving her father in tears by the last page. “Em, I… I… Thank you.” Wrapping an arm around her, he pulled his sister into a tight hug, kissing her cheek. “I love you, Em.”

“I love you too, Tommy… And I missed you,” she whispered, sniffling against his shoulder. Their fallout lasted a mere week, but having grown closer than ever, the distance hurt more than ever as well.

Lilly squealed, demanding attention, and Tom pulled her into his arms too, hugging both his girls. Daughter and baby sister, they were his, his family, and he couldn’t risk losing either of them, not if he were keeping his priorities in the order he swore he would.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluffy fluff fluff and feels.

He hadn’t thought he would, but with Beth standing in the doorway, waiting to be invited in, Tom felt nervous. “Hi…” She seemed nervous too, nodding rather than saying anything. “Come on in. Hello there, Willow. How are you, sweetheart?”

“I’m good, Mr. Tom. Can I watch the fairy movie again?”

Beth giggled softly, not terribly surprised by the request. ‘The fairy movie’ had become Willow’s new favorite, especially all of Tom’s parts.

“Of course, dear.” He offered her his hand, and she took it excitedly, letting him lead her into the lounge, plopping onto the floor beside Lilly’s bouncy seat, and playing with the baby while Tom set the movie to play for them.

Watching television wasn’t something he did much with Lilly, but she seemed fascinated by the bright colors, playful voices, and songs of Disney movies from time to time, so he’d expanded his collection of Disney movies to include every variation of animated fairy tales and princesses he could find. Personally, he’d become rather partial to Finding Nemo, understanding the motivation of a father to never give up, never lose hope, overcoming all obstacles for their child.

Once he had the girls set to watch The Pirate Fairy, Tom found Beth in the kitchen, waiting for him by the island. Neither of them spoke as he approached her, gently placing an arm around her, hand on her lower back, and leaned down to kiss her cheek in greeting, lingering far longer than customary or necessary. “I’m so sorry it took this long to call, Beth. I promise I didn’t forget you.” The words were breathily whispered in her ear.

Softening into his hold, she grasped his shoulder to keep him near. “Where have you been?” she asked quietly.

“Here thinking then in Berlin promoting my work then spending time with Emma, setting us to rights… But I’m back now and want you here.”

Beth leaned back to look him in the eye. Despite the easy smile on his face, his eyes told a story of pain and heartbreak, a man looking for solid ground, something with which she was all-too familiar. “And what does that really mean, Tom?”

“That I can’t just be friends who casually fuck when mood strikes, Beth. I thought I could, but it’s not who I am. I need something more than that. I’m not asking for a commitment or saying I’m in love with you because I’m nowhere near ready for anything of the sort… but I do care about you.” His hand remained splayed across her lower back, holding her close, his forehead resting on hers as he leaned down, speaking low and gentle.

She slid her hand along his shoulder until her fingertips were in the hair at the nape of his neck, doing maddening things to Tom. “I’m not ready for love again either, but I definitely care for you as more than a friend. I can be something more if you aren’t pushing for too much yet.”

“More than friends, like dating only without plans to take it further, no plans for the future,” he breathed against her neck.

A small gasp escaped her as Tom squeezed her arse with one large hand before running it up her back and tangling his fingers in her hair. “Simple. Status quo. No complications.”

“Exactly.”

“But if either of us ever wants more than the other is ready to give, we agree to go our separate ways amicably.” He looked down at her as she spoke, face barely inches from hers, so close she felt his every breath, could almost taste him from the memory of his scent alone.

“We’re adults. We can behave as such, I’m quite sure.” His voice was so low, it hit her right in the stomach with a fluttering sensation, spreading warmly downward.

“Alright then.”

Tom took those words as all the permission he needed, meeting his lips to Beth’s, stealing her breath away, and consuming her with the passion built over the past week with every passing thought of her. There’d been more of those than he’d admit to her, more than he admitted to himself.

“Mummy.”

The sound of Willow’s voice broke the moment, Tom jumping back a respectful distance from Beth since she was pressed against the island, unable to move away from him. Blushing scarlet, he too-widely smiled at the little girl standing in the kitchen doorway.

“Yes, sweetie. Did you need something?” Beth asked, her voice too chipper and too high.

Willow looked to her mum then to Tom then back again. “Is Mr. Tom your special friend like Daisy is Daddy’s special friend?”

It disgusted Beth that Robert had introduced Willow to his whore girlfriend while having her visit him last weekend, but it was an odd relief that she wasn’t the first one to broach the subject of ‘special friends’ with their daughter. “Kind of like Daisy, I suppose.” _Minus the cheating cunt whore part._ She smiled. “Is that alright?”

Tom could only offer the near-manic grin plastered on his face, absolutely clueless how to handle the situation otherwise.

“Yes, Mummy.” Willow nodded, grinning shyly at Tom. “I like Mr. Tom. He’s a good daddy. He loves Lilly. He takes care of her real good all alone. And he doesn’t yell at her when she cries.”

Swallowing hard, Beth blinked back tears, knowing her daughter referred to the few times she’d seen Tom calmly manage Lilly crying at the mums group meetings and the many times Robert had exploded over the slightest hint of tears from his own daughter, calling her a crybaby and demanding she stop it and shut up.

“No, he doesn’t, does he,” she replied once she trusted her voice not to betray her.

Kneeling to bring himself down to her level, Tom addressed Willow kindly. “Since your mum and I are special friends, Willow, perhaps, if she doesn’t mind, you could just call me Tom from now on.”

Beth nodded permission to her daughter, and the normally shy little girl bound across the kitchen to throw her arms around Tom’s neck. “Thank you, Tom. Now will you come sing the pirate song, please?” She tried grabbing his hand to lead him into the lounge but could only get her little hand around two fingers, though Tom played along and was willingly dragged out of the kitchen.

“It’s not even time for the pirate song. Don’t you want to wait for it?” he asked patiently, taking Lilly out of the bouncy seat to hold her once Willow let go of his fingers.

Beth joined them, slipping into the room quietly and taking a seat on the sofa to watch Tom interacting with the four-year-old while juggling his own four-month-old, seemingly at complete ease with the two girls.

“Can’t you make it time to sing?” she pleaded, tugging at his shirt.

“Alright. Alright…” Remote in hand, Tom got comfortable on the sofa, Lilly on one leg with an arm around her, and to both his and Beth’s surprise, Willow climbing onto his other leg, leaning back against him and pulling his arm around her as if he wouldn’t otherwise know what to do with her in his lap. “Everyone comfortable?”

“Yes!” Willow was positively ecstatic. “Let’s sing!”

Tom led the raucous singing with Willow doing a fair job as a backup singer and Lilly babbling her own tune along with them. By the seventh and eighth times through (at Willow’s insistence), Beth finally plucked up the courage to join in, moving closer to Tom and the girls on the sofa as she did… And as they sat there together with their girls, singing and spending time like the family Beth always imagined she would have with Robert, she wondered if it were even humanly possible not to eventually fall in love with Tom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and feedback always appreciated.
> 
> In case you're curious, I was listening to "Rise Up" by Andra Day while writing this chapter and have decided that it's really meant for Tom and Beth. These two are killing me. Tom is NOT supposed to fall in love. This is NOT supposed to get romantic. They need to cut this shit out. *sobs* My characters have gotten completely out of hand.
> 
> Also, I've posted the first two chapters of a new Tom romance story I started thanks to plot bunnies attacking. You can find it under the title "Once Upon a Cuppa" if you're interested. It's very different from this and from "Hours to Infinities" if you're reading that one. I'd like to know if there's actually interest in it before I bother to continue on with it. Please comment if you check it out. Thanks!


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To my Tom/Beth shippers, I give you another chapter of Tom, Beth, and the girls. I also give you a challenge brought on by the fact that I have been made aware that Tom/Beth shipping is a thing among some readers: Come up with a good ship name for Tom Hiddleston and Beth Camden, and I may just keep them together. ;-)
> 
> I apologize that chapter updates will not be daily, Monday-Friday at this point, but I'm doing regular writing work plus juggling three fics on here at this point, so I'm trying to keep everyone as happy as possible. My goal is to update at least one of the fics each day (except weekends), and try to update more than one when possible. In good news though, this chapter is relatively long.
> 
> As always, thank you for taking the time to read. Comments, feedback, and kudos are greatly appreciated! You're all amazing for following my work! :D <3<3<3 -Mel

Tom stopped messing with his hair, resting his hands on the sink counter, and stared at his reflection. _“More than friends, like dating only without plans to take it further, no plans for the future.”_ That’s what he’d said to her three weeks ago, and in these past three weeks, they’d seen each other for some part of every day, if for nothing more than a morning cup of coffee, either while Willow played with Lilly on the activity mat or as they sat together watching Willow try teaching Lilly about colors or shapes or some other such thing to no avail.

He’d kept Willow when Beth had to attend the meeting for the finalization on her divorce, Robert being ordered to give her possession of the house as well as half of all his substantial liquid assets, thanks to a female judge taking none too kindly to his adulterous and abusive ways. Tom didn’t mention to Beth that her daughter slipped and called him ‘daddy’ while she was off dealing with the end of her marriage, not sure how she’d feel about it and not willing to lie if she asked how _he_ felt about it.

If he were honest, he would have to tell her it felt so natural that he’d thought nothing of it and only actually noticed because Willow apologized when she realized what she’d said. He’d simply shrugged with a smile and told her it was alright, not to be sorry. He did notice she gave him hugs _and_ kisses in her greetings and goodbyes since then rather than just hugs as she’d done before.

Today, Lilly was five months old. It also marked a year to the day the last time he’d had contact with Julianne before the unexpected call in October. She’d shipped back some clothes he’d left at her apartment in New York, and he’d sent a text saying he’d received them, the final act in the termination of their relationship. For whatever wishful thinking he held onto the idea that her contact for Lilly’s birth would lead to reconciliation, there was no guarantee. He’d burned that bridge quite thoroughly and felt fortunate to have recovered his daughter from the ashes of what he’d left of them.

 _“But if either of us ever wants more than the other is ready to give, we agree to go our separate ways amicably.”_ That part of their arrangement worried Tom. He didn’t know what he wanted anymore, but he knew something shifted in how he felt about them once her divorce was final. Something ‘real’ was no longer an unrealistic expectation. He could write it off as impossible so long as the potential for Robert to keep divorce and custody proceedings prolonged existed, giving an excuse for keeping her emotionally at arm’s length to be safe.

But Tom ran out of excuses eleven days ago when she returned to pick up Willow, officially divorced, single, available, any future Tom wished to imagine fully realistic and possible to be had with Beth.

The doorbell rang, and Tom ran his fingers through his hair quickly, grabbing his favorite blue button-down off the bed and buttoning it as he headed to the door. “Lilly,” he called over the back of the sofa to his daughter who was busily entertained by her new activity chair. “We’re going to the zoo today, sweetheart. You’ll like lots of animals, won’t you?”

He and Beth had decided to take advantage of an unusually warm spell to take the girls to the London Zoo for Lilly’s five-month birthday. _He and Beth and the girls._ Smiling, he couldn’t help but think how much they sounded like a family to him, spending family time together, making plans for their first family outing together.

Swallowing hard, composing himself before his emotions got the best of him, Tom pulled the door open, catching Willow in one arm as she ran at him, throwing her arms around his neck, leaving a big kiss on his cheek. Beth came in and closed the door behind her, smiling at the sight of the two, though Willow with Tom was everything that worried her.

If Tom on his own or Tom as a dad to Lilly weren’t enough to keep her fighting to hold her head above water and not break their deal, the deal she was so adamant about, not wanting things to get serious, not wanting to fall in love, this wasn’t helping by any means. She’d long fallen out of love with Robert, despite believing she was being the good wife and mother by turning a blind eye to his shortcomings, all in an effort to keep their family in one piece.

But Tom was nothing like Robert; tall, lean, and fair with classically handsome features to Robert’s five foot ten, middle-age paunch that wasn’t much better in his early twenties, jet-black hair, and squared face with deep set eyes so dark the pupils barely differed from the irises. As well, they were opposites in personality, Tom’s kind generosity, polite consideration for others, loving nature with his daughter, sisters, and mum, and genuine, heartfelt caring ways were all in sharp contrast to everything Beth had grown to know of Robert over the years.

They’d agreed this wasn’t going to be anything more than it was, nothing serious, nothing with a future, no expectations, but she hadn’t expected Tom would be so open to this non-relationship of theirs including Willow the way he did. She hadn’t thought ahead to what would come after the divorce was final, how she’d look at him when it wasn’t with the restraint of unfinished paperwork holding her back.

Having let Willow down to run over and play with Lilly, Tom leaned in for a kiss, sweet and loving as always, though Beth had to remind herself love wasn’t part of the equation. “Are you sure you still want to do this, Tom?”

“On about that again?” She’d worried he’d be exasperated by now, but he was patient as usual. “If you’re concerned about being seen with me or Willow being photographed then we can do something else. We don’t have to go out. I won’t drag either of you into the public eye, or even risk it without your certainty. However, if you’re afraid of how I’ll react if we were seen out together, if it were to make it to the tabloids and spread across the internet, everyone finding out I’m seeing someone… someone with a child, I’ve told you I’m not embarrassed by you… not by Willow either.”

Beth dropped the subject, having no choice but to believe Tom, a grown man capable of making his own decision regarding his career and reputation.

For March in London, the day was plenty lovely to spend at the zoo, and being a Monday, it wasn’t terribly busy. Tom had Lilly in the baby carrier, facing forward to see everything, while Willow insisted on holding his hand, though it was actually him holding her hand or her tightly gripping two of his fingers for fear she might lose ‘her Tom’ as he’d become. _“Mummy, can I have ice cream? If you say yes, my Tom says he’ll buy it for everybody ‘cept Lilly. She’s too little.”_ It was a little something Tom and Beth had both noticed started after the first mums group meeting when Willow was allowed to just call him ‘Tom’ rather than ‘Mr. Tom,’ causing Chelsea and Faith to try doing likewise. Both Kim and Karen chastised their daughters for being disrespectful, and Tom went from ‘Mr. Tom’ to ‘Tom’ to the decidedly possessive ‘my Tom’ whenever Willow spoke of him.

However, after a fair bit of walking and over an hour spent in the aquarium doing a great deal of standing, the four-year-old did as most four-year-olds do. “I’m tired of walking. Pick me up,” she whined, tugging on Tom’s hand more than holding it, and he had to hold her by hand and wrist to keep her from dragging on the ground as played ragdoll. “I ca-an’t w-walk.” Her complaining grew louder and slightly more dramatic, wrapping her free arm around Tom’s wrist as if she might climb up his arm, and lifting her feet off the ground so he had carried her a few steps before stopping and looking at Willow, more carefully considering the situation. With his attention fully on her, she jumped as high as she could, grabbing at the sleeve of his jacket, screaming, “Daddy, carry me!”

Quickly, Tom had her in his arms, mindful of Lilly. “Watch Lilly’s head. Don’t kick her,” he warned gently as he lifted Willow onto his shoulders, much to Lilly and Willow’s amusement, both girls laughing and smiling. “Willow, stop wiggling, or I’ll put you back down.” Tom tried to remain stern, but realizing she was shifting positions to reach down and hold Lilly’s hand as they walked, he said nothing more of it, simply keeping hold of her legs so as not to let her topple off his shoulders.

Beth came up close beside him, gently bumping his arm to gain his attention on the side Willow wasn’t leaned down on. He turned, smiling at her, looking so paternal with the girls, she thought her heart might burst, and it took her a moment to speak. “I’m sorry about that… I’ll talk to her about it.”

Confused, he was slow to reply and hesitant in his response. “I shouldn’t think there’s need for that… She got a bit tired and needed a break. I don’t mind carrying them both, and they’ve become quite content together.”

Indeed, Willow and Lilly were chattering away, holding hands, Lilly turning as best she could to see Willow, and Willow leaned precariously over to see Lilly, though Tom held her in a firmly gentle way, ensuring her absolute safety with him.

“That wasn’t what I meant,” she started to explain, but Tom had already started riling the girls up talking tigers, the next exhibit they were off to see, first growling like a tiger then doing his best Shere Khan impression, which Willow was quite familiar with after watching _The Jungle Book_ at her Tom’s house at least a half dozen times or more.

“Ah, you have spirit, little one, and such spirit is deserving of a sporting chance,” Tom said in his Shere Khan voice, sending Willow into a fit of giggles, in turn making Lilly laugh, bringing out one of his biggest and brightest smiles, the kind Beth always saw when he was playing with one or both of the girls. She liked to think of those as his ‘dad smile,’ brought on by the joy fatherhood gave him.

Beth didn’t broach the subject again until they were heading home in Tom’s Land Rover, the girls fast asleep in the back, which took all of five minutes on the road. He held her hand as he drove, his thumb caressing her sweetly. “Did you hear Willow call you ‘daddy’ today?” she asked quietly, concerned she might be treading on thin ice to bring attention to it, not entirely prepared for how he might react.

Her concern seemed fully founded when his thumb immediately stopped moving over her hand, and she felt him tense. “Yes… Why?” His tone gave away nothing. Damned his acting skills.

“I just think I should probably talk to her about it. You don’t need that happening in public and someone hearing, all the questions and problems it could create… or her getting confused about your place in her life.” She looked over in time to see Tom blinking rapidly, biting his bottom lip for a moment before swallowing and taking a deep breath.

“Of course. You’re her mum. Do what you think is best.” Again with the frustratingly level tone.

She only had one more comment she’d wanted to make all day about the incident and hoped it would get an actual response from him. “You didn’t even flinch when she did, weren’t fazed in the slightest, that’s why I thought you didn’t hear her or didn’t realize what she said.”

Tom said nothing for a long while, the quiet in the car giving way to awkward silence until they’d parked at his house. He squeezed her hand and resumed running his thumb over it, turning to look her in the eye as he spoke. “It’s not the first time she’s called me that. It didn’t bother me then, whilst in the privacy of my home, and it didn’t bother me today whilst in a very public setting. To be honest, Beth, I can’t say there’d be a time nor place in which it would make me uncomfortable, and the only thing that scares me about feeling this way is not knowing how it makes you feel to hear her say it.”

Beth felt the weight of his eyes on her, his expectation of a response. Somehow, they’d come to a crossroads in their relationship all-too quickly, and it wasn’t just the two of them affected by where things went from here, but their daughters as well. “I… I don’t know.” She shook her head, tears in her eyes, not ready to answer such a question yet. “I’m just gonna take Willow home, and I’ll… I’ll call you later.”

By the time he fell asleep after midnight, she still hadn’t called. He’d drafted several text messages but didn’t send them, respecting her need for time, and hoping she would call.

 


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't updated in a few days, but I hope you enjoy this chapter and the return of Pops. ;-)
> 
> As always, comments and feedback are appreciated. Thanks for reading and following the story!

Rain pelted the window as Tom held Lilly, looking across to Beth’s house where miles may as well separate them rather than the width of one street. The London weather had taken a turn from the beautiful Monday they’d spent at the zoo to a dismal, grey, and rainy Saturday, mirroring how Tom felt after hearing nothing from her all week.

A car pulled up to park in front of his garage, bringing about a half-hearted smile, and he kissed his daughter’s cheek. “Look, Lilly!” Tom pointed to the figure dashing from the car to the door. “Pops is here!” She smiled and laughed, though he wasn’t sure if it was at his silly tone and exaggerated excitement or if she remembered ‘Pops’ from their trip to Berlin.

Tom opened the front door before Hugh had a chance to ring the bell, and he entered swiftly, shaking out of his jacket right away. “Blasted rain. Let’s take Lilly and go on a family holiday somewhere with sunshine and beaches. I’ll text Jo and tell her to start packing,” he said with a wink and a grin, hanging his jacket on the coat rack. “Now hand over the baby, and nobody gets hurt.” Hugh held his hands out to Lilly, her daddy internally sighing with relief when she went right to him, laughing and smiling. “I told you she’d remember Pops… I’ve got something in the car for her. You can run out and get it in a bit, ye young laddie.”

Despite the continued dismal weather, Tom’s mood began to lift with Hugh’s presence, his lightheartedness. “I’ll do that… Come on it. Have a seat. Can I get you anything?”

“Thanks… Tea later, but for now, I’m keeping hold of this little sweetheart, so no hot beverages. Right, Lilly? Wouldn’t wanna burn the baby, would we?” Sitting on the sofa, he held her so she pushed against his legs with her feet as if trying to stand. “How have you been?” Hugh asked Tom, concern in his eyes, seeing the way the younger man sunk further into the overstuffed chair, face falling contemplatively forlorn. “That bad, eh? Tell me about it.”

And after a few minute’s silence, Tom poured out the entire story of his relationship thus far with Beth, what he feared would inevitably be a tragic tale as it seemed life would have all his attempts at love. Beginning with how he’d met her through the mums group, striking up a friendship due to their proximity in the neighborhood, telling of what happened on his birthday then the catastrophe of Valentine’s Day weekend. Tom added a side note of his disastrous Valentine’s Day with Julianne and growing dislike for the holiday after two dramatically failed years in a row.

Hugh listened attentively, making eye contact when responding with even a slight ‘hm’ or ‘uh huh’ as Tom unloaded the weight of all he’d held inside, what he hadn’t shared with anyone else, knowing it wasn’t advice he sought so much as a sympathetic ear, though advice might be needed as well. Hearing Tom explain the new relationship parameters they’d set after Berlin tore at his heart though. He couldn’t imagine being so young yet to have faced such deep pain as Tom had, deep enough you’d want to lock your heart securely and throw away the key. But the way his friend described the three weeks leading to Monday gave him hope.

“And now I’m waiting. I don’t know how long to wait, not that there’s anyone else… It’s just that when I needed time because of everything with Emma, she gave it to me, but this seems different. If I let this go for too long and don’t try calling or something, I’m afraid Beth might assume I don’t care as much as I do,” Tom said, picking at the arm of the chair. “And I can’t let that happen.”

Nodding, Hugh bounced Lilly on his knee with a sigh. “I can’t say with any certainty since I don’t personally know the young woman in question, but it sounds as if she’s had a lot of doubts about you, or at least your feelings toward her. Can you honestly blame her? You’re an international film star, huge celebrity. Sure, you’re also a single father, but you’ve never been married, not even engaged, and the longest, most serious relationship you’ve had is also the biggest secret you’ve ever kept.” Tom frowned, and Hugh cocked his head. “What? Are you saying I’m wrong?” Tom opened his mouth to speak then shut it and shrugged noncommittally, frowning still. “Beth’s a freshly divorced former schoolteacher turned housewife and mum with a real bastard of an ex, not exactly a woman full of reasons to think someone like you’d take an honest interest in her, and considerable reason to doubt your sincerity regarding a committed relationship. If it were just her, perhaps she’d take a leap of faith more easily, but she’s a mum. From what you’ve said, Willow’s quite enamored with the idea of you as her daddy, and a good mum will protect her child from getting hurt no matter what the personal cost. She’d rather suffer the heartbreak now.”

“Because she thinks I’ll break Willow’s heart later.” Tom’s voice was barely a whisper, heavier in pain than volume. “How do I change that?”

Hugh had to give Lilly’s hand kisses as she covered his mouth before he could speak again then played at biting it until she pulled her hand away, laughing, becoming distracted with trying to pull the buttons off his shirt. “There’s no guarantee you can, but I do think you shouldn’t keep waiting for her to call. Don’t expect Beth to make up her mind sooner than she’s ready, but put yourself out there. Tell her what you want, what you’re willing to give. Be clear in how far you see this going… Just remember that continuing on with her isn’t just about how you see each other. Lilly’s going to see Beth as her mum without a doubt, and you’ll only solidify the position of dad that Willow clearly sees you taking in her life.”

“I know.” Running a hand through his rather untidy hair, he sighed heavily. “Believe me, it occurred to me when she called me ‘daddy’ the first time, and I’ve thought about it quite a lot since then.”

“And what do you think?” Carefully moving off the sofa to the floor with Lilly, Hugh pulled her activity mat closer to let her play on it while he tickled her toes, grinning as she laughed.

Tom watched Hugh with his daughter, unable to stop the teary-eyed smile from spreading across his face. “I think I’m no more Willow’s father biologically than you are Lilly’s grandfather, but I daresay I feel just as much the part as you… I know where I went wrong in all this. Whilst constantly reminding myself not to see a future for us, not to fall in love with her down the road, I forgot to guard against falling in love with Beth in the present… Now I’m too far gone and can’t turn back. I can’t _not_ see a future for us, for the four of us.”

He turned the conversation to other things, Hugh’s music taking up the majority of their time, a growing interest of Tom’s as he’d dug deeper into his own musical abilities during is preparation for and portrayal of Hank Williams. The fact playing his guitar for Lilly whenever she was fussy had turned out to be the best way to calm her kept Tom playing more often than he expected he’d have time for after her birth.

“But have you been practicing on the piano? You can’t tell me you want to get better then not do it,” Hugh commented, referring to a long discussion had during filming The Night Manager regarding musical talents and regrets over what they’d let slide. He didn’t feel he’d ever worked as hard on the saxophone as he could have, and Tom felt rather lacking in his skills as a pianist despite taking lessons when he was younger and still being moderately good.

“Beth had been giving me lessons. It’s been over four years since she’d last done so, but she’d started when she was sixteen, and motherhood hasn’t prevented her from keeping her skills quite sharp. She’s already teaching Willow… Although, she says I can be quite the problem student at times,” snickering, Tom blushed, and Hugh had a fair idea the kind of problems Beth’s student caused. “However, if I’m well-behaved and leave her be to play, she’s outstanding. You should hear her play Tchaikovsky’s Concerto No. 1. I believe I could take years of lessons and not move my fingers with the required speed and dexterity across the keys. It’s truly no wonder she graduated with a First in Music from Middlesex.”

Hugh paused shaking a butterfly-shaped rattle for Lilly. “I thought she was a primary teacher?”

“Hm… Well, her father convinced her music wasn’t a realistic career pursuit, despite her talent, and she earned her degree in Primary Education at Kingston, First Class there as well… Unfortunately, that’s where she met Robert.” Tom stopped for a moment, pushing aside his anger toward the traitorous bastard who broke every vow made to Beth and their daughter. “Her father had a massive stroke during her second year, didn’t survive to see the damage wrought by the direction he pushed her in an effort to improve the life she’d have.” He’d meant to turn the topic away from Beth, yet somehow, it came around to her once again. “The rain’s finally stopped,” he said, glancing out the front window. “I’ll run out and get your gift for Lilly from the car.”

When Tom returned with the enormous, wrapped box, Hugh had his phone out, taking photos of Lilly on her activity mat, neither of them paying any mind to him until he set the box down near her with a rather heavy ‘thud,’ gaining her attention quickly. “Bloody hell, what did you get her, a box of bricks?” he teased. It wasn’t that terribly heavy, just a tad unwieldly.

With a smug grin, Hugh kept taking pictures. “Just open it, and quit your whining. You’re lucky Lilly’s not older and my car’s not bigger. What I wanted to buy was much larger and far heavier. It's no fun being Pops if I don't get to spoil her.”

Shaking his head and smiling, Tom sat on the floor, pulling Lilly into his lap, and tore off the wrapping paper with Lilly’s rapt attention, babbling and reaching towards the box, her daddy carefully keeping the paper out of her reach. The habit of putting everything in her mouth hadn’t improved any, much to his dismay. “Little Tikes DiscoverSounds Activity Garden… Well, look at that Lilly! You’ll have so much fun playing with this… Right after Daddy has all sorts of fun putting it together,” he remarked with a hint of sarcasm.

“It says it’s ‘easy assembly’ right on the box.”

“Mmhm… Yes. I see that. Forgive me if I fail to take that at face value. I’ve yet to find anything for Lilly requiring assembly to be nearly as simple as the instructions claim it is.”

He had to admit, taking care of Lilly’s needs had been what he’d worried about most of all from the moment he realized they were alone in this, but she’d yet to be any difficulty compared to some of the complications arising from changes he’d made due to having her. He’d heard enough parenting ‘war stories’ from Chris and Elsa to know he had it good, and sighed, opening the box, considering if assembling things were the worst problems he had raising Lilly, Tom would count himself beyond fortunate.

 


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Traumatic event ahead. Sorry.
> 
> Thank you for following this story and leaving comments, feedback, and kudos! You guys are great! <3

Despite Tom pretending he could ignore all matters of work until time to film Ragnorok, in truth, scripts were piling up, awaiting his review, and each week he pulled some out of the pile when notified someone else got the part since casting directors heard nothing back from him and had to move forward on various projects.

In truth, he knew it was perfectly reasonable from a financial standpoint to simply call it quits and be a father instead. He’d employed the services of an investment banker to manage his money wisely, didn’t live outlandishly by any means, and had more than enough tucked away to require very little on his part to continue a satisfactory income between a bit of enjoyable theater work and the investment returns on his previous earnings.

But he’d dreamed of becoming an actor for too long and refused to burden his daughter with the guilt of him giving it up for her then force her to watch him grow old, bitter, and full of regret.

Because of this and the fact Lilly wouldn’t settle for the night, insistently screeching each time he tried turning off the lamp on his bedside table, Tom sat propped against the headboard, glasses on, pen in hand, reading over a particularly interesting script, making notes whilst his daughter babbled and chewed on her fingers in the co-sleeper beside him. Growing more exhausted by the minute, he looked at his watch. 1:13 am. “Lilly, _how_ are you still awake?” he groaned, tossing the script and pen on the bed, yanking off his glasses and dropping them as well.

She wasn’t exactly fussy, just refusing to sleep, constantly drooling, fingers in her mouth. Everyone told him she was teething, to expect crying and low-grade fevers, gave him all sorts of advice on home remedies and pediatric medications to help relieve her suffering. But she wasn’t crying or running a fever of any sort, though she was undoubtedly teething, two front bottom and two front top teeth all presenting at the same time. He expected screaming, crying, howling, something that would have exhausted her into finally sleeping, not this mild fussiness lingering into sleeplessness at all hours. And this was Night 4 of this… or maybe Night 5… Tom wasn’t sure anymore.

“Don’t go anywhere, Lilly. Daddy will be right back.” Dragging himself off the bed, Tom went into the en suite to retrieve the numbing medicine for her gums, taking time to scrub his face, strip out of his dirty t-shirt, and brush his teeth while he was there, hoping for sleep soon, feeling more than a little like something out of a bad zombie film.

As he reentered the bedroom, he rummaged through his dresser for a clean shirt and pulled it on as he made his way around to Lilly’s side of the bed. “Lil—”

Tom’s heart stopped, blood running cold as his brain processed what his eyes could plainly see and none of him wanted to believe was real. Her eyes, usually so bright and excited to see him didn’t gaze up in lively recognition, rather laid open in a dull, unblinking stare. Mouth slack-jawed, her nose and lips were tinged blue.

“Oh, God… Lilly, no… No. No. No… This can’t be happening.” Tom dropped to his knees beside the bed, shuddering in fear, and carefully opened her mouth, searching for the problem since nothing appeared amiss externally. “Fuck… Lilly, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he cried at the sight of the pen cap lodged deep in her throat. After a few unsuccessful attempts, he managed to gently remove it, hoping she’d simply start breathing again… without such luck. “Please, Lilly, don’t do this… don’t… I can’t lose you. You can’t leave me,” Tom sobbed, pulling her into his arms, remembering the lessons in infant first aid and CPR he’d been given at the hospital before being discharged with her after her birth and laid her on the carpeted floor, administering CPR with tears streaming down his face, hands shaking, pleading for her to come back.

Finally, she coughed and took a ragged breath, Tom immediately scooping her into his arms, holding her for dear life as he grabbed the phone from the bed and dialed 999, anxiously giving all the pertinent details then collapsing on the floor against the bed, exhausted and frantic, waiting for the ambulance to arrive and afraid to let go of Lilly ever again.

She was sluggish, too quiet, not at all her normal self, but holding her gave him continual confirmation that she was indeed breathing, her heart beating. “Oh, my princess, I’m so sorry… I love you so much. I never meant to hurt you.”

But the guilt loomed large.

He’d always been meticulously careful, never left anything near Lilly that wasn’t safe, nothing she shouldn’t put in her mouth. Yet in his frustration, Tom had thrown everything haphazardly on the bed, paying no mind to the fact he’d left papers, pens, paperclips, his glasses, and his phone all within relative reach of her now that she’d become perfectly capable of rolling over and stretching to reach things previously safe from her grasp. He hadn’t given it a second thought and was left now to wonder if it were a lack of forethought out of sheer exhaustion or if he reached a breaking point in which, at that moment, he didn’t care, something he couldn’t forgive of himself.

Hours later, sitting beside Lilly’s tiny bed in the PICU, after countless emergency workers, doctors, and nurses had told him what a hero he’d been, saving his daughter’s life, Tom knew they were wrong. Yes, he may have saved her, but he had also been the cause of why she needed saving in the first place. One moment of carelessness, and he’d nearly lost his heart, for surely as the sun rose in the east, Lilly Grace was his heart. Tom may go on existing without her, but he couldn’t live.

The mere thought of such a thing sent him dry-heaving once again into the rubbish bin, nurses casting pitiful glances in his direction. He’d been a wreck since arriving with his daughter, insisting he was fine and needed nothing, didn’t want to be a bother to anyone so late in the night and would call family in the morning.

“Mr. Hiddleston?”

The sound of his name being called jarred Tom awake, and he sat up suddenly in the chair, rubbing his hands over his face, slightly disoriented, heart sinking again once he realized none of it was a nightmare. He’d fallen asleep at Lilly’s bedside, still in the PICU, and she was still hooked up to monitors, a machine assisting her breathing due to cardiopulmonary trauma, the doctor saying it would be best to give her system a little rest for a few hours or so, explaining the machine would provide deeper breaths to prevent pneumonia and supply more oxygen to her body after its _relatively_ brief oxygen deprivation.

No one would tell him exactly what ‘relatively’ meant in terms of that brief deprivation, nor would they say anything regarding a prognosis for recovery, what harm he’d truly done to her.

“Mr. Hiddleston?” repeated the nurse standing over him, and he looked up, nodding and blinking away as much exhaustion as possible. “There’s a Mr. Windsor on the phone for you. He said he couldn’t reach you on your phone and called the desk as a last resort.”

He dug in his pocket to find his phone, battery dead. Better his phone than his daughter, he thought grimly, watching her little chest rise and fall with a few breaths before he stood. “Thank you…” Glancing at her name badge, he blanched and felt sick. _Julianne_. Unable to bring himself to say it, he smiled weakly. “Thank you, miss.”

Tom took a deep breath before picking up the line, unsure how it could possibly be good if Luke had gone to such lengths to track him down. “Hello?”

“Tom? Thank God. How are you and Lilly?” Luke sounded genuinely worried, and that left Tom more disconcerted than his publicist’s usual obligatory conversational inquiries regarding Lilly.

“You found us in the pediatric intensive care unit, Luke,” Tom snapped. “How the fuck do you think we are? They say Lilly’s doing well, but she doesn’t seem at all herself… and to be honest, I’m nearly unhinged. So, yeah, great… just great. Everything’s fucking fantastic. Why are you calling?”

Luke didn’t even react to Tom’s outburst. “Because you pay me to handle your personal PR, and currently, the media is a bit worked up over the news of a near-fatal accident involving your daughter that required you to make a 999 call from your home last night. And if we’re going for direct honesty, I should tell you there are people trying to piece together some link between this and some photos taken of you at the zoo with Lilly in her carrier, a blonde woman on your arm, and an adorable little girl on your shoulders, looking very much the part of a happy family. Feel free to correct me on whatever I have wrong here, but it seems you went more public with Beth and Willow than you said you would when you told me not to worry about their part in your life.” He took a deep breath. “Look, it’s not that I’m upset that you have a personal life. By all means, have a life, but you hired me to do a job, and every person you bring into your life this way becomes part of that job, part of my responsibility. If you won’t tell me what’s going on, how am I supposed to be properly responsible for them? How do you expect me to take care of Lilly and Beth and Willow, Tom?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know… _I don’t know._ ” Tom’s voice grew from a whisper to a roaring yell. “ _I don’t know how to do it._ ” With that, he slammed the phone down, all the energy escaping him like air from a balloon, and he sank to the floor, sobbing into his hands.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somewhat less angsty chapter update...
> 
> Comments and feedback appreciated! Thanks for reading and following along! You guys are awesome! <3

Respiratory distress.

That’s what the doctors labeled it, the reason Lilly remained hospitalized four days, much of that spent with a machine doing the greater work of breathing for her, a machine Tom could barely bring himself to look at and hated the sound of rather than the soft breaths he’d grown used to hearing as he drifted off to sleep each night for more than five months now.

His mum and Emma had come and gone throughout Lilly’s stay, one of them sitting with Tom each day, asking if he needed anything, which he always said he didn’t, bringing him food he mostly ignored, and chatting to distract him with one-sided conversations he never heard. Only caring for his most basic needs, brushing teeth and changing clothes, when prompted by one of them, Tom didn’t shave, didn’t sleep so much as he dropped out of consciousness for brief periods of time, and cut himself off from the outside world, leaving his phone dead in his jacket pocket.

“Tommy, are you sure you’ll be alright?” Emma asked again as she closed his front door behind them and set the car seat by the coat rack.

Back to her, he hung his head, lips trembling as he traced the curve of Lilly’s cheek with a fingertip while she slept nestled in his arms. “You don’t think I can do this anymore? Don’t trust me to take care of my own daughter?”

She reached a hand to his shoulder, the way he recoiled from touch bringing tears to her eyes. “I know you’ll take care of Lilly just fine… It’s taking care of you I’m worried about.”

“Mhmm… I’m fine.”

_I’m fine_. Emma had heard those words too many times to count over the last four days. Her brother was fine. He didn’t need anything, didn’t want to be a bother, and apologized repeatedly for being such… when he spoke at all. Tom was fine, yet one mention of what happened Thursday night sent him into shutdown mode, falling utterly silent with the most heartbreakingly grief-stricken expression, horrifying memories haunting his eyes. Some spells would last mere minutes, others hours, most often ending in tearfully whispered apologies and promises to Lilly.

“Go home, Em… There’s nothing more you can do for me.” She started to protest, offer to stay or make lunch or something, but he was gone, leaving her standing by the front door alone.

Tom stood out of sight in the hallway, waiting for Emma to leave before proceeding to his bedroom. As much as he loved his sister, he needed to be at home alone with Lilly, needed to show her that he truly was a good father, capable of caring for her and protecting her, needed to prove it to himself.

Even knowing his mum had come to the house and ‘tidied up’ the day before, Tom expected some unmistakable sign of the events that unfolded last he’d been in his room, but it appeared different and completely normal. Diana had cleaned it top to bottom, not a speck of dust to be seen. Tom’s spare bedding set was on, altering the entire room’s aesthetic. She’d placed the script he had been reading on the bedside table, a click-action pen replacing the previous capped pen, his glasses set neatly atop, no signs of paperclips anywhere, all the better for Lilly’s sake.

For Lilly, the co-sleeper was arranged with fresh blankets and her few favorite bedtime toys, settled nearly to the center of the bed, slightly to one side that Tom deemed ‘Lilly’s side of the bed’ despite the fact she essentially slept in the middle with him sleeping around her… And that’s what he did. Laying Lilly down, Tom slipped out of his jacket, dropping it on the floor, kicked off his shoes, and climbed onto the bed, one arm curled under his head, the other around his daughter, so weary from stress he was sound asleep within moments of closing his eyes.

Tom awoke some time later to Lilly fussing and an incessantly ringing doorbell. “Alright, alright, sweetheart, let’s see who’s bothering us then get you changed and fed.” His stomach growled, and he gave a half-hearted smile as he scooped her into his arms. “And maybe feed Daddy.”

Peeking out the window first, his expression turned stony, and an icy pit of dread filled his stomach. He took three deep, composing breaths then opened the door. “What are you doing here?” he asked the man in a low, emotionless tone.

“I heard you’ve had quite a lot going on and thought maybe I should visit,” James Hiddleston remarked affably. “Is that a problem?” he asked, trying to step into the house, but his son stood firm, not allowing him past.

“Yes, actually, it is. I haven’t seen nor heard from you in over two years, but that I could live with… certainly wouldn’t be the first time.” Gone was the emotionless tone, every word brimming with pent-up anger as Tom spoke. “For the love of God, _Dad_ , my daughter’s almost six months old and doesn’t know who the bloody hell you are,” he finished, nearly yelling at his father.

“Well, here I am… I can get to know her now. What’s her name? Libby, isn’t it?” With a blasé smile, the elder Hiddleston reached toward Lilly, and Tom swiftly turned, hiding his daughter behind him, so furious, his response resembled that of an animal protecting its young.

“No, it is _not_ , and _no_ , you most certainly _cannot_. You may think it’s fine to do this to your own children, come in and out of our lives as you damn well please, but you will _not_ do it to _mine_. I won’t have her believe in you only to be crushed when you disappoint her, and I know you will. You _always_ do. _I will not have it_. If you’re always going to disappoint then stop giving me false hope, and _go_. Go now. Leave, and don’t come back. _Never_ contact me again.” Seeing how Lilly watched him, wide-eyes glistening with tears, unused to hearing him speak in such anger, he paused, kissing her cheek and holding her closer, voice quietening but no less enraged. “I don’t need you, and I most definitely don’t need what you do to me… It’s bad for me, and it’s bad for my daughter Lilly.”

James Hiddleston drew himself up straight, still far shorter than his son, and replied firmly. “I’m your father, Thomas, you can’t mean such things.”

With a derisive laugh, Tom turned to look his father right in the eye. “I can, and I do. Now get off my property before I call the police. You’re trespassing.” He stepped inside, shut the door, locked it, set the alarm, and kissed Lilly’s forehead as he headed to the nursery to change her. “I’m sorry, Lilly. If I’m a real lout of a father, it’s because I learned from him. I try to remember he’s the ‘what not to do’ guide and hope I do better.”

Tom waited until Lilly Grace fell asleep for the night to let his tears flow, to release his pain, grieve the loss of his father, and feel the weight of what decision he’d made to protect Lilly… and himself.

 


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for my long absence, but I've had a lot going on and have been sick. However, in return for your patience, you finally get a generally angst-free chapter with some humor and sweet fluff to enjoy!
> 
> Thanks for following along, reading, leaving comments and kudos, and letting me know you're still alive and reading this! :D

Tom stared suspiciously at the mush in the pan, rechecked the recipe on his phone, and stirred it a few more times, feeling no less convinced he’d somehow failed. The recipe didn’t show a photo of the final product, but the mixture in the saucepan certainly did not appear appetizing.

At the follow up appointment with Lilly’s pediatrician after her hospitalization, the doctor had told Tom he could start supplementing the formula with infant cereal. After a great deal of research into the subject, Tom determined the only reasonable option for his daughter would be homemade, organic, rice cereal. Organic foods kept in line with what he’d deemed his general style of parenting given his choice of co-sleeping and use of baby carriers rather than strollers; he felt quite comfortable stating he preferred intuitive and natural methods of caring for Lilly.

And so he found himself faced with the organic, mushy, rice concoction he’d made whilst Lilly sat in the highchair he’d purchased and placed in the kitchen to let her watch him, though she’d been mostly busy with the teether and butterfly rattle he’d put on the tray for her. Still, he didn’t know much regarding infant cereals and had to assume that having followed the recipe exactly, it was supposed to look like this, so he dished some into a small bowl to let it cool and retrieved one of the special spoons he’d bought for Lilly’s use.

Standing in the kitchen, blowing on the cereal to help it cool more quickly, Tom heard the front door open then close, shortly followed by Emma’s entrance. She gave Lilly a kiss on the forehead and her brother a kiss on the cheek, inspecting the contents of the bowl in his hands. “What the hell is that?”

“It’s supposed to be rice cereal for Lilly,” Tom explained, adding a bit more formula to thin it further as the doctor had instructed for first introducing the food.

Emma pulled a face, clearly unconvinced what was in the bowl was edible. “Where did you get it?”

Tom heaved a great sigh of exasperation. “I didn’t _get_ it anywhere. I made it, hence the problem… I _know_ I can cook, never had difficulty following far more complex recipes than this, so why does it look so disgusting?”

Shrugging, his sister took another look. “Maybe it tastes better than it looks?” she offered.

Considering that for a moment, Tom scooped a spoonful, eyed it suspiciously then hesitantly took a bite. He quickly turned and spit into the sink, coughing and gagging, rinsing his mouth out with water before turning back to Emma. “No. It most definitely does not. How am I supposed to feed this wretched stuff to her? I’d never eat this.”

“You also think her formula smells horrifying, but you give it to her all the time, Tommy.”

He couldn’t think of a valid argument against Em on that point and pulled one of the island stools in front of Lilly’s highchair, taking a seat with the bowl and spoon in hand. “Here we go, Lilly, sweetheart, your first solid food. Daddy made it special, just for you. It’s absolutely terrible, but Dr. Lawrence says it’s terribly good for you,” he said in a cheerful, sing-song voice, smiling throughout as he put a small amount on the spoon and held it up to her giggling mouth, surprised she took it rather easily with minimal dribbling onto her bib. “Good girl, Lilly! Let’s see how much you’ll eat. We have a very long day ahead of us, princess… a very long couple of weeks.”

“Speaking of, are you packed yet?” asked Emma.

“Almost, Em. Everything I need is settled, but I have to double check Lilly’s…” Reaching for his sister’s hand, Tom stopped her from heading towards the bedroom. “Hey,” he started, voice soft. “In case I haven’t said it enough already… I appreciate you coming with me… with us on this trip, Em. I don’t know what I’d do without you, and I don’t tell you as often as I should that I love you.”

Emma blinked back tears and squeezed her brother’s hand. “I love you too, Tommy… and I’m glad to have you home again… or at least home more.”

Letting Em go tend to the last minute packing, Tom returned to feeding Lilly, suddenly feeling the weight of responsibilities his career choices put upon him. Sony had been great in working with him in respect to Lilly’s hospitalization, rescheduling appearances and forgiving his inability to attend certain events, but they still expected him to put in at least a full two weeks promoting _I Saw the Light_ in the US once Lilly was cleared by the doctor for travel, accepting Tom’s stipulation that he would not travel anywhere without his daughter. Strings were pulled, hoops jumped through, arrangements made, and in a few hours, a car would retrieve Tom, Lilly, and Emma, taking them to Heathrow for their flight from London with the final destination of Los Angeles… only to travel on to NYC and a few other stops Tom couldn’t recall from his ridiculously hectic itinerary.

The doorbell rang, and Tom went to get it, but Em was already running past the kitchen, yelling that she had it. He heard Emma speaking with someone but couldn’t quite make out what was being said until Beth’s distinct voice called out, “Willow!” However, she was too late, and the little girl had run into the kitchen to find Tom and already climbed into his lap, sitting happily on one leg with his arm steadying her as she watched him feeding Lilly.

Beth stood awkwardly in the doorway, not quite as willing to intrude. “I’m so sorry, Tom… She shouldn’t have… Willow, I told you to wait until you were invited inside,” she scolded.

Wrapping her little arms around Tom the best she could, Willow shook her head. “But, Mummy… I miss my Tom.” Looking up at Tom with her wide, teary, forest-green eyes, Willow frowned. “I miss you.”

Tom nodded to Emma who lingered behind Beth, silently dismissing her from the conversation, and she hurried back to the bedroom, curious what would unfold but not enough to stay around and find out, having learned her lesson about interfering with her brother’s personal relationships.

Neither Tom nor Beth spoke for an eternity of a minute, Tom feeding Lilly and holding Willow until he found his composure and a voice he thought might not break. “I’ve missed you too, Willow… you and your mum, very much so.”

Clearing her throat, Beth shifted on her feet, and finally made eye contact with Tom. “I heard about Lilly… I’m glad she’s alright… I had wanted to do something for you, but I didn’t know what would help.”

“What would have _helped_? Honestly?” Tom gave a curt, humorless laugh. “ _Being here_ when I needed you would have been a good place to start, Beth… Don’t you understand? I’m not trying to be your Prince Charming, sweeping you off your feet to land on the red carpet and _away_ from all of this… I want a _partner_ in all of this. I want to love you and be loved and raise our children together and live as normal as possible despite the red carpet I can’t bloody well escape if I’m going to continue working. I’ll work less to prioritize my family. I’m already doing it for Lilly… But I love what I do and won’t quit completely. I can’t.”

Positive he was on the verge of tears, Tom felt Willow’s small hand on his cheek and looked down to see her gazing up at him with a hopeful smile. “I love you. Does that help?”

The tears broke through, and he gathered the four-year-old into a hug, holding her tight yet gently. “Yes. Yes, it does. I love you too, Willow… No matter what happens, know I’m still here for you. I’ll always be your Tom if you want me to be. Nothing has to change that.”

Beth’s hand rested on Tom’s shoulder, and he leaned into her, wrapping an arm around her, pulling her closer. “Maybe we could talk more over dinner tonight? I’ll cook.”

Tom shook his head, resettling Willow on his leg, and gave another spoonful of rice cereal to Lilly who had started fussing in the midst of all the emotional upheaval distracting her daddy from feeding her. “Unfortunately, I can’t.” Sighing, he grimaced, hating the timing of this. “I’m leaving for America in a few hours. That’s why Emma’s here. She’s coming with me to help with Lilly… I have a two-week commitment to promoting one of my films. They’ve been quite gracious regarding Lilly’s hospitalization and the time I needed for that, but I can’t put it off any longer. Lilly’s doctor cleared her for travel, and I have television appearances scheduled starting tomorrow night in LA… I’m sorry, but it’s part of the job.”

Nodding, she rubbed his shoulder reassuringly. “That’s okay,” Beth replied softly. “We’ll do it when you get back. We’re not going anywhere.”

Gaze firmly affixed on hers, he had to ask. “Are you _sure_?” He needed to know he’d come back to her in this same place in their relationship, the same possibilities, the same openness to move forward, the same discussion they’d be having if he wouldn’t be gone for two weeks. He had to know they were finally on the same page.

“Yes, Tom… Do what you need to do then we’ll talk about where we’re going from here.”

Beth smiled at him with a happiness that reached her chocolate-brown eyes, and for the first time in months, Tom truly felt hope for himself, not just his daughter.


End file.
